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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this? Heartbroken

350 replies

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

OP posts:
Francestein · 19/09/2025 23:25

He sounds utterly poisonous. It sounds like he needs you to be weak and soft and dependent on him. I would assume that this nasty side would keep reappearing and he would be a Jekyll and Hyde kind of partner, becoming increasingly more abusive. That whole dialogue was designed to wound you psychologically and keep you “in you place” when he should be naturally inclined to support you and respect your goals. His inability to apologise properly is very telling also.

PickyTits · 19/09/2025 23:25

Trallers · 19/09/2025 23:22

You can tie yourself in knots trying to make sense of bad behaviour, but it's not always understandable. Something within your job situation has triggered something in him, he may not even understand what, and he's revealed a side to him that didn't exist previously as part of your relationship. I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your previously lovely relationship, it's sounds like a kick in the gut. The crap apology is another kicker. I'd have accepted genuine remorse and perhaps parted on friendly terms, but that was a real cop-out.

This is such a good point! Does it matter, really, why he's acting like a complete prick? the reasons are probably irrelevant; just know that he is acting that way and respond accordingly.

outerspacepotato · 19/09/2025 23:27

He needs space so his horrid outburst seems less and less real and you might let it go.

Don't do that. He deliberately tried to undermine you and play mind games to screw you over.

Going to someone's house the night before a big exam isn't supportive. You needed your mind on that, not distracted by him and thanking his and so on. So he does have prior history of this.

allmymonkeys · 19/09/2025 23:29

"So I guess he could be onto something there."

I smell gaslighting. He is NOT onto something, he has shown you what he is like, and you should give thanks for a lucky escape. Be very careful not to let this one back in - every time he seems nice, remember last night and just quietly smile inside.

Best of luck with your promotion application x

Piccolomaforte · 19/09/2025 23:29

I wonder if this is a scenario he’s encountered before with an ex. Perhaps she got a job and left him and he’s been triggered by hearing you’re going for a promotion.
Don't let his obvious insecurities rub off on you. To have said those things to you is unforgivable. Our argument and conflict managing styles rarely change without help, so it wouldn’t be a one off. He can’t regulate himself.
Run for the hills and good luck with your application!

MumWifeOther · 19/09/2025 23:31

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

Yes this. It’s probably his wife or something…

DBD1975 · 19/09/2025 23:34

He was looking for an excuse to end the relationship and this has given it to him.
He has been unreasonable so you don't contact him.
Horrible thing to do, don't think you are in any way at fault, he is just unkind, selfish and not the person you thought he was. Better to find out now than later and good luck with the promotion.

Horsie · 19/09/2025 23:35

I just want to add, him coming to your house the night before a big exam, putting flowers on your desk, sitting with you while you studied...my God, he sounds like a complete pain in the arse!

Sorry OP, but these are manipulative, controlling behaviours. All his princess treatment is the other side of the same coin - a belief that women are inferior to him. Which you found out when you dared to go for this next level at your job. I highly recommend the Freedom Course and reading the book Why Does He Do That? in order to help you recognise these early signs in future relationships. All women should use these resources. There are an awful lot of controlling people out there, and an awful lot of men masking a deep dislike of women, and we all need to be aware of the signs.

Other excellent books that all women should read:
If He's So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad?
Living with the Dominator
Men Who Hate the Women Who Love Them

OP, I think you will recognise your ex in any of these books. I can tell that this has been a nasty shock, and I think any of them might help you make sense of what happened. Four years is a long time to spend with someone, and I think you should dig into the issue so as not to fall into the same thing again. If you can afford it, a therapist might well have some valuable insight that will also help you come to terms with this event and not let it affect future relationships.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.

Original poster
IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 23:37

NotToday1l · 19/09/2025 23:21

He sent me a message today saying he needs some space

Little confused, did you end it last night and today he seems to be saying he is the one who needs space

Why would he say he needs space if you ended it?

Show quote history

He ended it yesterday, I made no attempts to persuade him otherwise as I was honestly too shocked. I didn’t contact him at all last night or this morning because I know I can’t forgive him for some of the things he said. He then text this afternoon saying that he needs some space. I’m as unsure as you as to why HE would be the one needing space.

The exam thing…I had been waiting for a date for a scan for some health concerns I’ve been having and, Sod’s Law, it was the same day as my exam. I had been on the phone to him having a bit of a wobble about it. He showed up with the flowers etc, said he wasn’t staying long but just wanted to make me smile. He didn’t come inside, just gave me a kiss and the gifts and left. It really did come across as caring and sweet rather than sabotage. But I’m doubting it now, or my judgement!

OP posts:
Horsie · 19/09/2025 23:45

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 23:37

He ended it yesterday, I made no attempts to persuade him otherwise as I was honestly too shocked. I didn’t contact him at all last night or this morning because I know I can’t forgive him for some of the things he said. He then text this afternoon saying that he needs some space. I’m as unsure as you as to why HE would be the one needing space.

The exam thing…I had been waiting for a date for a scan for some health concerns I’ve been having and, Sod’s Law, it was the same day as my exam. I had been on the phone to him having a bit of a wobble about it. He showed up with the flowers etc, said he wasn’t staying long but just wanted to make me smile. He didn’t come inside, just gave me a kiss and the gifts and left. It really did come across as caring and sweet rather than sabotage. But I’m doubting it now, or my judgement!

Show quote history

But OP, you previously said he sat with you while you studied the night before the exam, putting flowers on your desk etc. That's not giving you a gift and leaving, is it?

Horses7 · 19/09/2025 23:45

He can’t control a successful, confident career woman so is on the back foot and is trying to undermine you in the nastiest way possible.
Treating you like a Princess was reeling you in.
At least you know where you stand, if you stay with him it will get worse not better.
Start again with your new job and forget this horrible man.

allmymonkeys · 19/09/2025 23:45

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 23:37

He ended it yesterday, I made no attempts to persuade him otherwise as I was honestly too shocked. I didn’t contact him at all last night or this morning because I know I can’t forgive him for some of the things he said. He then text this afternoon saying that he needs some space. I’m as unsure as you as to why HE would be the one needing space.

The exam thing…I had been waiting for a date for a scan for some health concerns I’ve been having and, Sod’s Law, it was the same day as my exam. I had been on the phone to him having a bit of a wobble about it. He showed up with the flowers etc, said he wasn’t staying long but just wanted to make me smile. He didn’t come inside, just gave me a kiss and the gifts and left. It really did come across as caring and sweet rather than sabotage. But I’m doubting it now, or my judgement!

Show quote history

People can do sincerely nice things without sinister motives and you don't have to discard every pleasant memory. But as PG Wodehouse put it about aunts: "it's always the same, sooner or later out pops the cloven hoof..."

Somebody asked, and I must say I wondered too, if he might have been high but reading on it doesn't sound like it. He just let the mask slip, didn't he.

fetchacloth · 19/09/2025 23:45

It's hit a nerve with him and he's jealous.
Yes I know it's the 21st century but there are still some men out there that think this way 🙄.
Good luck OP 💐

NotToday1l · 19/09/2025 23:46

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 23:37

He ended it yesterday, I made no attempts to persuade him otherwise as I was honestly too shocked. I didn’t contact him at all last night or this morning because I know I can’t forgive him for some of the things he said. He then text this afternoon saying that he needs some space. I’m as unsure as you as to why HE would be the one needing space.

The exam thing…I had been waiting for a date for a scan for some health concerns I’ve been having and, Sod’s Law, it was the same day as my exam. I had been on the phone to him having a bit of a wobble about it. He showed up with the flowers etc, said he wasn’t staying long but just wanted to make me smile. He didn’t come inside, just gave me a kiss and the gifts and left. It really did come across as caring and sweet rather than sabotage. But I’m doubting it now, or my judgement!

Show quote history

I would reply and tell him he can have all the time he needs to think as it’s over.

He ended it last night then today seems to have had a bit of a wobble, tell him it’s over

Himan · 19/09/2025 23:48

He is straight up panicking fir some reason. Inadvertently you have put him in a corner and he is lashing out. I dont know why but you are clearly better off out of that. Im sorry that happened to you

mylipsaresealed2025 · 19/09/2025 23:50

There is enough men in the job keen to tear your down let alone your partner ! What a prick

GoneAlready · 19/09/2025 23:53

He has supported me through some really difficult times

This, together with his reaction to your promotion, makes me wonder if he’s a “foul weather” partner - ie he’s loved it when you’ve needed him, and he’s been able to act the part of the big protector; but he really doesn’t like the idea of you moving on and coming into your own and not being the helpless rescuee any more.

He doesn’t want to see you in a management/leadership role; that doesn’t suit his agenda.

And I don’t think that he’s changed as such, just that the change in situation has revealed something you never saw before. This was who he was all along, but until now he was able to keep it hidden because your lower status posed no threat to his rescuer/protector identity.

That’s my thinking anyway, FWIW.

So sorry, it must have been an almighty shock for you to be blindsided like that. Hope you’re being good to yourself.

Pudmyboy · 19/09/2025 23:56

You can't make sense of his behaviour because it just doesn't make sense!
Agree with this 100%!

Catpuss66 · 20/09/2025 00:00

Now he has shown this side of himself might be good to put a Claire’s law request just to be sure.

RB68 · 20/09/2025 00:01

OMG thank your lucky stars - when someone tells you who they are you better believe them - and I suspect all the things he said are utterly untrue as well, some people can't stand to see others moving up and on.

Please dont waste any more time on him and good luck with the application

TooTooMuchEverything · 20/09/2025 00:11

He’s shown you his true colours. And you’ve been able to see them. He’s probably hoping to start drawing you back in, beginning with the text - and he might try love bombing next. Please don’t be fooled. If you take him back, you’ve shown him he can do this again, and again.

As the saying goes ‘when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.’

WeeGeeBored · 20/09/2025 00:12

“Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?”

This behaviour has not come from
nowhere. He is - and always was - a controlling loony. He broke up with you, which is a Godsend. Be grateful that you have dodged a bullet.

youlied · 20/09/2025 00:12

From my own experience, unhinged behaviour is usually caused by third party involvement.
when my ExH began his affair he would shout and scream over the slightest thing and turned every insecurity back on me. He also called me thick and stupid despite me being a graduate in a successful career.

Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:15

Catpuss66 · 20/09/2025 00:00

Now he has shown this side of himself might be good to put a Claire’s law request just to be sure.

This is a really great idea.