What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

Every message you don't send,
Every message you don't reply to,
Every phone call you don't answer,
Gets you closer to healing.

The opposite, only prolongs the pain.
The reasons, excuses, apologies don't matter, what matters is your future.
He did what he did because he has a nasty streak in him.

Once the doubt starts setting in, you need to nip it in the bud, before you become a shadow of yourself.
Don't let him control your feelings or worth.

Been there twice, different men.
First time, grieved for ages for what we had/who I thought he was.

Second, missed him but accepted the breakup, moved on and met my now DH withing 6 months.

Don't let him hold you back.
be thankful he didn't deceive you long enough to have kids, a house and blended families involved.

You can walk away with your head held high.

You need time out from this fellow. I’m sure given time he will be back with apologies for over reacting etc but you need to think about the mean streak he has displayed.

my advice would be to take a step back from where you thought the relationship was at, when he turns up. And he will.

These sides always come out of nowhere. It sounds like he was very content with you doing what you were doing as it soothed some of the jealous niggles he has in his head. Changing work changed his comfort zone and the real him came out. There is of course the chance he is a cheat and these are the sort of changes where he's cheated before.
Regardless I'm glad he's shown you the real him so you can have an exciting new start at a new job that you deserve without this fake dead weight dragging you down. He showed who he was and that side of him won't go back in the box now

I understand. I get it, I really do.

You are still very shocked and feel destabilised. I’m so sorry he put you through such a horrible, malicious onslaught that you did not deserve.

Stay strong OP - you deserve better!

Time to say goodbye!
you seriously deserve better than that git!!

I wonder if you'd be working alongside his wife/partner who you don't know exists. Sounds like he's trying to put you off going there! Or maybe there's someone there who will have dirt to dish on him?

I feel for you, because it is a shocking change of behaviour and apparently it really doesn't make any sense.

He must be a control freak, he felt safe when you were his little pet to cuddle,now that you're growing in your career he feels threatened that he won't be enough for you.

Whatever the reason, please dry your tears as someone who truly loves you will be happy if your life improves, will encourage your growth and be there to support you for even a bigger step ahead if you happened to fail.

Who truly loves you believes in you and wants the best for you.

He must be really unhappy with himself (or, as others have said, there is something that he doesn't want you to find out).

Best wishes for your career and I hope you find someone who sincerely appreciates you 💗

Will update as to how the job application goes. It’s a fairly short turnaround til the start date so hopefully have an answer soon. Under the circumstances I hope more than ever that I get it, as it will stop me having to cross paths at work til the dust has settled and I’m more in control of my emotions.

Still no word, and I’ve managed not to reach out either. There’s a few admin bits that need sorting but I think the longer I leave it the better.

Do you need his help and support? Celebrating your wins in this context makes it seem that you needed his help and support to ‘win’. Not that was down to you and your hard work.

And that now he has withdrawn his help and support and discarded you, you will fail without him.

He revealed that he believes you have no merits as a person but will have to use sexual favour to succeed. How understood does that make you feel? He used the things you had shared that made you vulnerable because you trusted him to hurt you. Does that make you feel safe?

You don’t need to understand his behaviour. So what if he’s insecure about his educational background. You move on by understanding nothing can make this OK. He’s not the man you thought he was. You’ve been conned. It’s not on you. You’re a good person who takes people at face value and gives the benefit of the doubt but he’s of a different order. That’s why you feel the need to reach out to him. Stamp down hard on that. He will perceive it as weakness he can exploit.

Stay strong. At the moment his discard, needing space is still on the table and you have not responded or blocked. The ball, and control, is still in his court. If you are not able to tell him it is over or block him - take control - you are in limbo seeing what his next move is. Take control.

Can't believe he hasn't reached out!

Please don't contact him, stay strong x

Gosh. Snap. Mine ran off with someone else as well once he sensed he was losing control of me. It's all so textbook isn't it? Although I didn't understand what was happening at the time /didn't understand the relationship dynamic and I was utterly heartbroken (having invested all those years from 17yrs old to 31!)... although at the same time I relieved and felt like I'd escaped a prison. My ex is also still with the long suffering other woman lol

I have recently realised that things you would have never believed about someone you thought you knew well are possible. He has kept this part of his personality well under wraps and something has triggered it in your application for the promotion. I suspect you will eventually realise what it is. It may suprise you even more than his recent outburst. For now, be grateful he has shown you he really is before you were in too deep. You may have dodged a bullet!

Dear OP, I've no doubt he supported you as well....that's how they draw you in....you wouldn't have fallen for him so hard if he wasn't an absolute charmer and seemingly everything you could have asked for. Mine was also incredibly supportive (at least on the surface)....and just absolutely lovely and perfect....so it's doubly devastating and utterly confusing and shocking when they go and spoil it all with their nastiness. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I also dreadfully missed what I thought we had. I missed the person I thought he was. They create this perfect illusion....and the end of that relationship was every bit like a bereavement. I was utterly heartbroken. By the time he left I'd stayed so long with him that I'd lost all my confidence and became a shadow of my former self and was an anxious wreck. They make you feel like you can't live without them, he made me feel like I was to blame for his behaviour......but once I got some distance and clarity I realized it was him with the problems/abusive issues and I felt relief that I no longer had to walk on eggshells. I could just be me without fear or apologies...I felt I could finally breathe....and eventually the thought of him made me feel sick.....
It might be that you go back to him....and things will be lovely for a while but you will eventually end up in the same place as you are now, only even sadder having invested more time in the relationship and becoming even more intertwined with his toxicity.....but at least it will help you realize/truly confirm that this really is not a healthy way to live and that you absolutely deserve better...but only you know when you're ready to finally walk away for good.
Btw, I'm now been happily married for 15 years (together for 19yrs) to a wonderful man who is kind, makes me laugh and had not once been nasty in all those years and we have 2 daughters....so it is possible to successfully move on from a narcissist. Good luck xx

I'd just like to say if he is a narcissist you won't be the only one he's in a relationship with. Or wouldn't have been. He would have more than one line of supply. So for all the people saying they think he has someone else if it is the case he's narcissistic then that's probably very true.

"But I really, really miss what I thought we had. The person I thought he was"

It is totally fine to feel like that, and totally normal. I remember reading some advice on a thread about someone who had finally cut a toxic relative out of their life, and they were told it is almost like a grieving process. You are grieving for what you thought you had, but that relationship does not exist any more.

Please remember, this is him and he will not (can’t) change - believe him and move on. You will be happy again.

Run, girl, RUN!! You've got this management thing! Don't allow such a fragile man to take up so much undeserved space!

Wow you're doing so well. Keep up the no contact and be so proud of yourself that you've been strong enough to see what he did was very wrong.
I hope you do get the job but even if you don't you have achieved something just by trying. Please don't let him in your life again. These things never never stop with just 1 incident

He sounds like someone went out with years ago who was definitely a narcissist, completely terrifying psychopath on very rare occasions and most times he got away with it because people only saw his nice generous funny side, me and another two ex girlfriends and a few very close friends saw him completely turn at different times, interestingly the friends stayed close to him whereas all the exes steered well clear afterwards.
he was great with words and manipulation

Good luck with the job, OP.

It’s understandable that you just want a break - it’s awful whrn yhd rug is suddenly pulled from underneath you.

Ivd been through this several times with men - I think it’s ingrained in most of them: need to control, cang stand a woman doing as well as of better than them and abod to stand on their own two feet. They like us barefoot, pregnant and strapped to the kitchen sink.

My gut reaction here is that he is extremely jealous of you! Enjoy your promotion and move forward with your life. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

@IfIHadAHeart how are you? Hope you're feeling a little better

@IfIHadAHeart how are you? Hope you're feeling a little better

Hi hope everything is ok with you. I just wanted to say sometimes the quickest way to help yourself is to realise you are grieving exactly what you said above. What you thought you had.

But if he's cut you off and discarded you just like that then you didn't have what you thought you had if that makes sense. It was an illusion.

I don't know if that makes sense or helps in any way but I found that helped me get over something similar.

Grief is very hard and it's different for everyone. Be good to yourself and I would also like to point out, although you think he helped you a lot, you are the one who worked hard and got this promotion. Onwards and upwards you've done well.