What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

You say you work for the police. Is there any way your new role may bring you into contact with something he has hidden about himself?
If it’s not jealousy, not another woman, never seen that side to him before - could it be that he was acting out of fear of you finding something out?

To be clear op. No one who is so vile and immature as to spout all that crap at you has ANY IDEA at all, about “management material”. He is a dumbass. I know it’s difficult, but do try to ignore. This is his issue, not yours. Go for the job and you will be fabulous.

He’s jealous, he doesn’t want you to progress. You are management material - prove him wrong!!
Dont go back to him. He’s showed you who he is now.

Truly horrible for you Op, especially when it’s come out of nowhere. Please don’t be tempted to get into a conversation with him about it. Time to move on

Walking on the outside of the road to 'protect you' and bringing hats etc in case you forget them doesn't sound entirely caring and sounds more infantislising. He sounds like he needs to be the supporter/provider/rescuer, and so this promotion doesn't fit with his idea of you being vulnerable and weak. It sounds very calculated that he's essentially said that you'll be no good or that you've got the role on a false premise. He's trying to undermine you and, regardless of the reason behind it, you need to run a mile.

How hurtful. Hope you’re okay.

I am very sorry that you have had this experience OP.
As painful as it is, he has shown who he really is.
I had a similar experience in the past where I met someone who I grew to love and trust. I confided in some really personal matters and he threw them all in my face.
You will heal from this.
Please take care of yourself

People eventually will show you their true colours he has showed you his and they are not good. I understand we can all have outbursts once in a while and none of us are perfect and make mistakes but he was particularly cruel.
You have made the right decision, whilst you will feel very hurt expecially when it's unexpected, you can now move on to better things.

Thank you - I really appreciate all the replies and kind words. They have made a really shit day just the tiniest bit less shitty. The sad part I suppose is that complete strangers have been so much more supportive than he was!

We are very different people in some ways, I am softer than him. I suppose maybe he saw that as weakness. He does manage a team, and I have no doubt that his approach is different to mine. It’s just strange because he was supportive before. When I sat the exam for my promotion last year he popped round the night before with flowers for my desk, snacks etc. (it’s a long exam and I was doing it at home). He sat with me while I studied, brought me things to make little flash cards etc. It really has come out of nowhere although maybe in time I will see signs if I look back. But at the minute it’s just a completely devastating nasty surprise.

Don't waste your time tying yourself in knots trying to work out why he's done this.
He had shown you who he is, believe him and move on.

And you will be AMAZING in your new job.

(Everyone has insecurities and fears, that’s normal, so don’t beat yourself up about this).

@IfIHadAHeart He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test.

I'm always in disbelief that people like this exist. This almost sounds like psychosis.

To the person who asked whether the new job could expose me to information about him - no not really. I already have access to any system that could hypothetically hold information on him. Obviously I would never access this, but the new job wouldn’t make any difference in that regard.

His marriage ended as they grew apart, or so he told me. Things are amicable with his ex wife and I’ve met her a few times so haven’t had any reason to doubt this.

That’s easy. He can have all the space in the world.

Nobody gets to talk to you that way, no matter what “reasons” he can come up with for doing so. Do not let this man back into your life.

Nailed it!🔨 If @IfIHadAHeart moves "upward", she might not need him as much, and he can't be the prince he thinks he deserves to be.

absolutely this

@IfIHadAHeart Sorry this has happened. Unless he’s having a severe mental health episode, profusely apologises, spends as long as you need rebuilding trust and never does this again, then I wouldn’t see a way forward with this one.

What stands out about the ‘princess’ thing is that he sounds very traditional. Obviously a man who walks on the traffic side of the pavement isn’t necessarily sexist/controlling (my lovely dad does this and he is so far from either of those things), but the nice things your partner does do sound like he has quite gendered ideas around what women like and need (chocolate, extra gloves in case they get cold). It could be that these ideas might tip into more controlling beliefs about women, e.g. not progressing at work - the benevolent sexism could be masking something worse.

I mean I wouldn’t buy into all these theories that he must have another woman… there’s no basis for that.

But something has struck a nerve for him to respond that way.

Dont buy into what he’s said, you’ll be great at management. Women typically are good at management due to being more emotionally intelligent.

Give him his space, undoubtedly you need yours too if he’s hurt you.

take care OP xx

As he accused you of sleeping with people and him needing an STI check I wonder if he likes it that he knows people where you work and feels he can check up on you - he feels that he won't be able to check up on you if you move. Obviously that is completely nuts and you are well rid of him.

It's true you will be better off without him but sadly that won't really help you at this shock initial stage. Don't reply. Ignore and then be prepared for the grovelling and changing his mind

He hasn't changed - that's who he is.

I am sorry, op but you have dodged a bullet.

If you get this job will you 'outrank' him, so to speak?

I hate reading these sorts of threads as it reminds me how manipulative some people can be.

Often there are loads of red flags and people just choose to ignore them but sometimes people can wear a good mask for a long time, and that is so scary.

Thank Goodness you found this out before you moved in together.

I would say it’s likely that he doesn’t like you doing too well for yourself and outshining him or you’ll have a life that he doesn’t know about and therefore out of his control,

It may be that he knows the new boss and doesn’t want you finding anything out.

I’m sorry he turned out to be a massive dick.
Good luck and I hope you get the job.

This is all about the core of him.
It is truly astonishing how long and how completely a person can mask how and who they truly are.

Should the OP have never been perceived by him, to be a threat by him, this part of him,may have lay dormant for years/ever.

Her real possibility of being promoted has cracked this wide open.

Forgive yourself OP, he hid it so well.

The most important thing is not to be sucked back in by him.
He will seek to excuse this.
But this is who he really is.
Get the fxxk away from him.
I'm so sorry.

He sounds controlling to me.

Can you look back and see if there were any red flags in hindsight?

Its so easy to get caught up in the moment in a new relationship and believe they are treating you well because they are nice guys when the reality is they are 'training' you.

I would be thankful this happened now and not a few years from now.