What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

An Excellent idea.

He’s a narcissist and this is all about teaching you a lesson .. his outburst was designed to undermine and erode your confidence so that you completely doubted yourself possibly to the point of withdrawing your promotion application .. make no mistake .. he will be back .. in an attempt to pull you back into the relationship .. he wanted to cause you maximum hurt but hopes that you’ll forget about his cold outburst and realise his much you need him. Be prepared for him to switch tactics if you tell him where to go ..

That sudden switch is sinister. Be prepared for him to try to hoover you back. He sounds like he was scared of losing you to the new job, ie, losing control over your world. Definitely make it clear to him that it's over for you. Don't let him mess with your head, you need to focus on the promotion

You asked @IfIHadAHeart ...any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

Nothing caused this except the abusive man he is was finally shown to you. He hasn't changed. Nothing caused this. People can keep up a pretence for so long and then the act is up and the curtain opened.

He has show you who he is. Before you are a shadow of your former self, doubting everything, walking on egg shells and being further emotionally abused, believe him.

It will only get worse. Though in the after math of all this he may be apologetic and tell you he was stressed at work etc etc, and then try to wine and dine you. But his true character will appear and re-appear and it will get worse and worse.

Protect yourself and protect your kids. Let his 'act' be the end of the relationship.

Ditto.

Treating you like a princess while being able to monitor your movements and interests by having eyes on you (who don't know they are being his eyes).

Yes hes jealous and he feels now you are better than him more money more intellegent and its pressed all his insecurity buttons as hes not doing so well in his career, also his embarressment that his princess should be home and not doing better than him, know your place woman and how dare you do this to me who the hell do you think you are, he also feels insecure that you will leave him and also im sad to say men who accuss are usually being unfaithful, thank god you are rid of him

Spot on

He could be a narcissist. Treated you like a princess. That could be the love bombing stage then what you just went through sounds like the devaluation stage and a mini discard. You'll know for sure if he tries to hook you back in with more love bombing.

An ex of mine did a similar thing when he knew I was off to an important work meeting. He totally sabotaged it and really upset me an hour before the meeting. Then refused to speak to me for 3 days.

There was absolutely no reason for any of it.

I eventually realised that the idea of me doing something for myself absolutely enraged him. I finished with him at the end of the 3 days silent treatment. My brain just clicked, and I thought 'no-one is ever going to drive me to tears with nastiness, ever', and ended it. It was such a relief.

Never looked back.

On a positive note you have clearly dodged a bullet

He is worried that you are going to find something out about him and as hes ended it hes very sure you will find out something , hes ended it to save face when you find out and hes having space as its all your fault and hes punishing you for upsetting him(narcasistic rage)

Agreed, he sounds like he was love bombing you (treating you like a princess) and now you're moving up in the workplace he cannot control you.

I agree with those posters that say hes a narcissist. He's emotionally abusive and he won't change. So keep well away from this man who wants to control you.

He sounds very controlling and this sounds like jealousy. It's 'little boy' behaviour. He thought he might lose you and now has.

I agree with the posters upthread who speculate that there is another person involved. My instinct is that he has met someone else and wanted to end the relationship with OP for some time. However he was too cowardly to do so in a forthright way. Instead he latched upon some trivial event that is not to his liking. I dont think it has to do with jealousy that you were considered for a management role. More that this was a convenient excuse to end things. That would explain how the anger seemed to come suddenly from a hidden place that you do not recognise.

Ive been through this before and was utterly blindsided. I realised afterward that the other party had wanted to end the relationship for some time. They simply did not know how. They lacked the backbone to tell how they felt. Instead they latched onto an apparently trivial difference and asked me not to contact them for "a few weeks". I took them at their word, left it about 2 months then gave them a call. We chatted like old times and even shared a joke. I felt relieved that the argument was over. Then they mentioned that they were moving house. I said "Oh let me get a pen and take your new number". They said "Lets leave it shall we" and hung up. We never spoke or saw one another again. I subsequently received a letter in which they said. "I realise Ive been a hypocrite. I went on seeing you when I should have spoken up. I can see no point in our meeting. Our differences are fundamental. "

Its still unfinished business.

My first thought.

Some of what he’s said about me being weak and not management material is unfortunately playing on my mind. I am an overthinker and I do struggle to stick up for myself at times. So I guess he could be onto something there.

Don't listen to that horrid kernel of self-doubt that he's nurturing with his vitriolic rant. You are strong! You are strong enough to leave him behind because you won't be trapped in the Prncess Box that he prepared for you.

(Over-)thinkers have the potential to make excellent managers who care for and develop their team. Stand up and be strong. You know you have it in you.

And kick this hateful excuse for a man to the kerb (metaphorically speaking). He should want the best for you, for you to grow and succeed in life. He clearly doesn't. He just wants to feel a sense of superiority and control. Ironic, isn't it, that the moment that he feels threatened by your professional ambition, he loses all control of himself and shows you who he really is?

Block him and move on, OP.

Good luck with your application

You're asking the wrong question, OP.

It does not matter "why he changed".

The only thing that matters is that this man is not a good partner for you, and he has shown his colours.

Get out, pronto.

Don’t let this guy into your head! What he said was abusive and cruel. Bringing flowers and kissing you on the his is psychological warfare. He needs the bin.

I agree. Sounds like the old madonna/whore dichotomy that many men harbour deep down. And then sometimes not so deep.

He’s insecure.
He knows he’s punching above his weight, being with you.
He knows you’ll fly in your new job, your confidence and self worth will flourish, and your chances of meeting someone who is worthy of you will massively increase. So prove him right. Smash the job, live your best life and assign him to the past.

Nope. He is not onto something. He just knows your insecurities and is therefore able to gaslight you. Most people would feel the same as you after being treated the way he has treated you.

This is who he really is.

It has taken this long to reveal itself as you don’t live together, and it was easy for him to wear a mask.

If you stayed in the relationship this side of him would become dominant. He is not a good man at all, and has told you exactly what he thinks of you - and women generally. This is him, not you. This is his problem.

Look after your heart. Keep going with the promotion. Be glad you remained living separately, and your children are protected and allow yourself time to recover.

Yes, it’s all quite ‘put on a pedestal, then devalue, then discard’, isn’t it? The work of a manipulator.

What a nasty piece of work he turned out to be. Saying he needs an STI check because you’re applying for a new job - ffs that’s unhinged.

He doesn’t deserve to sneak back in after making such stupid, cruel, crude allegations like that. He should get in the bin and stay there.

No one needs a saboteur in their life.