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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this? Heartbroken

350 replies

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

OP posts:
Seeyouincourtyoufool · 19/09/2025 20:13

I agree with PP that he is threatened by it for some reason and it has triggered an insecurity that made him act in this way, either that or his head has been turned and he is playing you.

As heartbreaking as it is it is good that you know your boundaries have been crossed and it is over. He is not the man you thought he was and that is really tough.

Has he tried to get in touch with you since he ended it?

backslashruby · 19/09/2025 20:19

"Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies" is a famous quote by the author Gore Vidal. Plain and simple OP, he's jealous.

MoominMai · 19/09/2025 20:29

What you’re seeing now is not a “new” side of him; it’s the side he always had but hid while it suited him. The good news is this behaviour has shown itself before you tied your future even closer to him. Right now it hurts like hell, but down the line you’ll see it as the moment you were freed to focus on yourself and your success.

@VictoriaHelen has saved me the need to type out the above because that’s my exact experience. My ex also was exactly like this - treated me like an absolute princess. Both had our own homes, him 2 adult kids at home and me childfree. The first niggle came when for some reason he seemed to dislike the fact I was taking some professional qualifications and when I passed had very little reaction. I ignored it as it was early on on our relationship.

Thos man was gorgeous and only had eyes for me and I really thought as OP did he was my forever one. But anytime I spoke of bettering myself or talking about possible promotions and additional studying he changed into a different person. It’s like he had an idea of me just being like a cute clever little lady - but not too clever and ideally not meeting any new people and just having a humdrum ‘average’ job and life. It’s hard to explain except with time his jealousy would just show. And the horrible truth is that this is who he always was. If I had just been content to stick to and be who I was when I met him we’d probably still be together as I fit his expectations of a ‘suitable’ GF. I don’t have any answers though your situation same as mine is just to strange other than to believe him when he showed you who he was 😐

Whenthetimeisright · 19/09/2025 20:30

AnOldCynic · 19/09/2025 19:31

The bit about him treating you like a Princess raised a red flag for me. He feels threatened by you moving out of his sphere of influence as he won’t be able to keep tabs on you as much.

Yes i picked up on the treating OP like a Princess.
I would never trust any man who did this. It's so false and is done to hide the real person underneath.

Original poster
IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 20:35

Thank you so much for all the replies. For clarity on the “princess” stuff, it was things like moving to walk on the road side of the pavement so I’d be on the inside, bringing extra gloves/hats etc when we go hiking in case I ever forgot anything, bringing me my favourite chocolate bar/coffee if we were meeting up. Stuff that’s genuinely considerate, not things I’d ever see as a red flag if that makes sense.

He sent me a message today saying he needs some space and was sorry if anything he said yesterday upset me. So not a real apology if that makes sense. I haven’t replied.

I really don’t think it’s that he’s sleeping with someone where I would be working. The loss of control strikes more of a chord with me although I wouldn’t have ever described him as controlling. But a PP was right in that he “knows” my current role, where I’m likely to be, who I’m likely to be working with. The new job, if I was to get it, is an area he’s never worked or has any links to.

Some of what he’s said about me being weak and not management material is unfortunately playing on my mind. I am an overthinker and I do struggle to stick up for myself at times. So I guess he could be onto something there.

OP posts:
AgnethaF · 19/09/2025 20:38

He wants to take you down a peg or two, and put you back in your box.

Dont listen to him! Horrible nasty insecure little man.

Anyahyacinth · 19/09/2025 20:41

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 20:35

Thank you so much for all the replies. For clarity on the “princess” stuff, it was things like moving to walk on the road side of the pavement so I’d be on the inside, bringing extra gloves/hats etc when we go hiking in case I ever forgot anything, bringing me my favourite chocolate bar/coffee if we were meeting up. Stuff that’s genuinely considerate, not things I’d ever see as a red flag if that makes sense.

He sent me a message today saying he needs some space and was sorry if anything he said yesterday upset me. So not a real apology if that makes sense. I haven’t replied.

I really don’t think it’s that he’s sleeping with someone where I would be working. The loss of control strikes more of a chord with me although I wouldn’t have ever described him as controlling. But a PP was right in that he “knows” my current role, where I’m likely to be, who I’m likely to be working with. The new job, if I was to get it, is an area he’s never worked or has any links to.

Some of what he’s said about me being weak and not management material is unfortunately playing on my mind. I am an overthinker and I do struggle to stick up for myself at times. So I guess he could be onto something there.

You aren’t weak and ARE management material…your first enthusiasm for the new role is right. There is a not a word of what he said that’s true. Please don’t let him sabotage your life…he is frightened of your strength and potential.
Connect to your anger and fight for the new job 🔥❤️‍🔥🔥🫶

Wallywobbles · 19/09/2025 20:48

You know you can learn to be management material don’t you? Know one’s good at it to start with. So take it as a kick up the arse to be great at it. Read Radical Candor for starters.
Yoo can also learn to stick up for yourself too.

HarrisonsHair · 19/09/2025 20:49

I'm sorry that your relationship blew up, it must have been quite a shock coming out of the blue like that.
I'd be intrigued to know what it was about, it must be something he has an "issue" with to trigger such an extreme response.
Thinking back, has he been supportive of your career and happy when things are going well for you?
It might be that with time you realise that the relationship was actually not as good as you thought. We can all have rose tinted glasses when it comes to love.

Wallywobbles · 19/09/2025 20:50

You know you can learn to be management material don’t you? Know one’s good at it to start with. So take it as a kick up the arse to be great at it. Read Radical Candor for starters.
Yoo can also learn to stick up for yourself too.

tothelefttotheleft · 19/09/2025 20:51

Why not block him on everything? Don't give him any headspace. Work on getting that job.

CharismaticPelican · 19/09/2025 20:55

He's so jealous! What a nasty little man. How dare he speak to you like that. I'm sure you're absolutely awesome and you'll smash the new role. Like others said he wants to keep you under the thumb, where he can keep tabs on you. He's probably pathetically threatened by you working in the police too.

I know that when you're involved in policing it's easy to dismiss these behaviours and put up with them, because you've seen the horrors of what can happen with domestic abuse. And you think 'its not the bad' to yourself, even if you don't think that about victims you deal with. Or you try to keep strong because that's what you're used to doing. I've been there and I've known other officers that have put up with despicably controlling behaviour from their partners.

What a sad little man, I hope you're ok x

CharismaticPelican · 19/09/2025 20:56

Also good luck with the job 🤞

Dymaxion · 19/09/2025 20:59

Interesting that he has messaged you after ending the relationship like that. If you reply, he will probably come back, knowing that the bar is set very low for abuse !

What is his relationship with his ex wife like ? What's his story on the end of their relationship ?

outerspacepotato · 19/09/2025 21:09

He's nuts with jealousy and he's gone extremely verbally abusive.

He can't look at you as beneath him anymore and he's deliberately trying to tear you down so he can feel better about himself.

That rancid rant showed his contempt for you. It showed he's a nasty misogynist. It showed he's got a horrific abusive streak.

Never ever take this one back. He's got a mean streak and a bad temper and he will act on those things. He doesn't want you to succeed, he wants you to fail. Block him on all platforms.

Rhaidimiddim · 19/09/2025 21:11

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

He has a double life.

He's in a relationship with someone at that office, or with someone who knows someone at that office.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 19/09/2025 21:11

@IfIHadAHeart you've threatened him somehow.

Someone, at that new place, is someone he doesn't want you to meet. Maybe because he's shagging them. Maybe because he did something nasty to them. Maybe he beat up their brother/dad. Maybe the best mate of his ex wife works there.

When you get there, you'll discover what it is he's so desperate that you didn't find out.

the5thgoldengirl · 19/09/2025 21:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FeistyFrankie · 19/09/2025 21:16

How did his previous relationships end OP? This sounds like he was massively triggered. I wonder if something happened in a previous relationship which caused him some trauma. Still - that in no way excuses his appalling behaviour. I'm sorry it all ended up like this, but you deserve someone who is supportive and encourages you to better yourself. Sounds like, for whatever reason, he can't let you "out of your box", so to speak.

Springtimehere · 19/09/2025 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

the5thgoldengirl · 19/09/2025 21:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 19/09/2025 21:24

He needs space? What a fucking cheek.

Ignore, block, delete, dump.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/09/2025 21:27

Block the cunt.

LinedOverLatte · 19/09/2025 21:31

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

My first thought too. Now that he’s ended things with you, when it does all come out he’ll just claim it started afterwards.

If this isn’t the reason, you are honestly better off without him now you’ve seen - and been subjected to - his foul behaviour and the ‘other side’ he’d managed to hide until then. It was always going to come out. Better to know now than another 4 years down the line.

You’re not weak. A weak person would be begging him to come back and apologising for inadvertently upsetting him. You’re stronger than you realise.

OdeToTheNorthWestWind · 19/09/2025 21:32

This