How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

We all live and learn.
Take the lesson, move on swiftly and don't mention the subject again. Be cool.
If his treatment of you declines or he becomes contemptuous, you know what to do.

Sorry OP but if everything was going well why did you need to "spice things up"?

Just smacks of desperation to me. And a perception that you thought the guy was only interested you for sex rather than you as a whole person.

I just don't understand why women do this.

Why would you want someone to examine your pictures for flaws OP? You probably weird him out with this.

Has he been ok with you since you sent them, after the initial conversation about how he wasn't interested? If he really likes you, he'll hopefully overlook this.
Obviously , we all have a history but I think if I received the pics , it would give me the ick , although I'm not sure why!

OP own your body and the confidence you have, it takes ages for us women, most of us anyway, to accept our lovely bodies. Us women go through a lot as women, so for most of us, this is a huge step. Although I would not send a pic to someone, I can see why you did. You trusted him with it, and you were not expecting him to trash all over them like he did.

He is telling you clearly where his boundaries lie, and that he is entitled to. But you are too. We live in a world as well where these things are all over the place, M&S have adverts of women in their underwear in their shop windows for god sake, its all over shop displays while you wait your turn at Tesco express. And like you said, you have a healthy relationship with you now, and that is great, he just didnt appriciate it and now you feel awful about you. Dont go there please. Go back to the confidence you had prior to sending those pics, be confident, and dont let people tell you otherwise. His reaction would give me the ick tbh. But that is just me, something about his reaction is off.

Oh ok...I hadn't thought of it like that, and now it's been mentioned I can kind of see how that would fit his personality type - he is so level headed and grounded, this might have just been an unnecessary move on my part. Perhaps it's a hangover from my last relationship which was quite sexually driven and with someone who did encourage this sort of thing (was quite immature) and no I wouldn't want to go back to something Iike that again!
So, lesson learnt. I need to grow up a bit I think. I've had a long, sexually repressed marriage, followed by a sex-obsessed, very base experience of a relationship. Now to enter into this middle ground, which now I look at it, is a much healthier approach.
Thanks, I just couldn't see that perspective before.

bit of a jealousy red flag if you ask me.

I know someone who's girlfriend was extremely jealous, even so much as question him when he ordered drinks at the bar with a female barmaid etc.

Every time they did something new or different, she would make a point of having a sad face then when asked what's wrong, saying she can't help thinking of the times he'd done this in previous relationships and she couldn't enjoy it for what it was, thinking of him with someone else.

It may be nothing, and he may just not be into it, but mentioning you with someone else definitely would get my spider senses tingling, jealous people are exhausting!

@TheAvidWriter yes that's what it was, I wanted to demonstrate my confidence as I've spent too many years letting my insecurities get to me, and have him celebrate this with me. But perhaps it was misplaced, I imagine he wouldn't see any need for me to do this.
I'll keep hold of the confidence I've spent far too long building, but express it in quieter ways in future. It's definitely got something to do with my need for approval which has highlighted to me that maybe I still have some way to go.

I wouldn’t send any pictures of me in my underwear to anyone, let alone unsolicited to a bloke I’ve been seeing for a few months. Perhaps he’s wondering how many pictures there are of you out there.

You are entitled to do whatever you please, and be as confident as you want, but others might not feel so comfortable with it and that’s ok too.

If I was seeing someone and all seemed healthy and we seemed to match, if he out of the blue sent me semi naked pics I would be a bit weirded out too. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he wouldn't feel the same way

This.

@sandyhappypeople this too. Although at the moment I'm seeing it more as an insecurity in him rather than jealousy. I am keeping an eye on it as it is so unfounded it's ridiculous, I'm committed to him and even if I have done something before, my time and experiences with him are beyond comparison.

Imagine you're in bed with him and he does something that you're not keen on, and you did not ask him to do. And he says "But my ex liked it when I did it!"

I don't see it as insecurity more as wtf? How would you feel if he sent you similar photos out of the blue. It's weird and creepy when a man does unsolicited so why is it acceptable when a woman does it?

@RuttleTuttle yikes, now that's made me think! Yeh I get your point 😬. At least now I know that this is a no from him.

@Pollqueen I think it was normalised in my past relationship. And pretty much normalised in everyday society now. I had a misplaced sense of reality I think, going by these responses.

Also , I would never send a picture to anyone that I wouldn't want to be shown in public.

^It would be my view.
And I think some people just don’t keen on pictures in underwear, it’s just not their type of activity.

And by the way in case of my DH the question of who else had my pictures in underwear (no one have so no worries) would be a concern about Internet safety rather than jealousy.

With all due respect, I don't think it is normalised. Anybody with any sense would not share near naked photos. When you see posts on here questioning whether women should send naked photos when asked, the categoric answer is, no

To send them unasked for and unsolicited is crossing a clear boundary whether to a man or vice versa. It turns most women off so why wouldn't it turn a man off? You've obviously found a decent man and he is understandably perturbed by this, as would most people be. Lesson learnt

Perhaps it's a hangover from my last relationship which was quite sexually driven and with someone who did encourage this sort of thing (was quite immature) and no I wouldn't want to go back to something Iike that again!

So... he wasn't wrong, was he? It's not about having had sexual relationships before but the casual ease with which you did this.

I know that the narrative on here is that all men ask for nudes, etc but that is not my experience at all and many men feel uncomfortable with it and actually take the view of a pp that it Just smacks of desperation to me. And a perception that you thought the guy was only interested you for sex rather than you as a whole person.

I just don't understand why women do this.

And also this I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections

Why on earth would you invite someone to scrutinise your body for flaws and imperfections. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one is perfect. And the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. But not when you're forced to view someone through a narrow lens of seeking imperfections.

I think you need to get off where ever it is you're getting your sense of normality from!

This is a red flag I reckon.

If he’d said, ‘you looked amazing but I’m not really
comfortable with receiving photos, is that ok?’ Then, great. But this stuff about past men and that’s why he doesn’t like it - problematic, punitive.

Genuinely don’t understand why you thought you needed to send ‘sexy pictures’ 🤷‍♀️ It’s just demeaning really!

Why did you feel the need to “nudge” him for a better response when you didn’t get the one you wanted?
So needy…