How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

And not even in a provocative pose. More a body shot showing some nice undies, just to clarify.

You sent sexy lingerie pics, not graphic nudes. His response, that it's not something special to the two of you, well duh. You've both lived life and had relationships and marriages. Once you hit your 50s, outside of kinks you don't like, like what haven't you done sexually before? That's kind of weird.

You're seeking approval and that's something you could work on. But I would find his response a bit off-putting. I couldn't deal with a prudish guy or one who was jealous you'd done sexual things with other men. His response is almost pouty. He also doesn't seem to like you initiating something sexual. That's also a bit odd.

Nailed it.

I wish people would stop making excuses for this man's unpleasant behaviour and acting like it's OP's fault. And by the way, if you are a woman and a man you're been seeing for a few weeks sends you unsolicited dick pics and you don't like it, doesn't mean you can assume that a man in an actual sexual relationship wouldn't want to see sexy underwear pictures of his girlfriend. Men and women are different in this, and many other, regards. Which is kind of the point, really.

Same.
Interesting to see how for many on mn unsolicited 'sexy' photos sent unsolicited from woman to man is fabric and empowering and he's pathetic for not loving them. Roles reversed, the woman would be told to throw him back!

Because that’s exactly what I said - except it’s not!

But hey you crack on with your misreading

Then he’s ridiculous. I’d bin this one off. He wants you to feel shamed here and it’s giving controlling. This early in and he’s getting upset and having a strop because you said him a picture in your underwear?? And starts talking about how you just have done these things before and now he’s thinking about you with your exes and is sad about it all?

THEOW 👏🏻 HIM 👏🏻 BACK 👏🏻

I’ve been down the road with a man like this and believe me when I say it got worse, not better. Next he’ll be asking your body count and getting sad about that. Then asking you to confirm his penis is the biggest you’ve had, but if you’ve had bigger he will get upset again because somehow it’s all your fault he’s feeling so insecure.

Oh what nonsense. If you and your boyfriend had been talking about sexy underwear that you liked to see on men, and then he sent you some pics of himself in that underwear, you'd think "dump him" would you? Right... sure.

lol - Im as main-stream as you get and from where I'm sitting, you've don't nothing earth shatteringly wrong or bad. You took an adult decision with someone you have build sufficient trust over the time you've been together. Please don't doubt yourself on this one, He sounds like he needs to unclench. This could be signs of things to come...

100% - when I was sent sexy (not naked) photos by a man I’d been seeing a few weeks I got a unanimous ‘creep Chuck him back’ response.

Yes his response was highly unpleasant and he needs to apologise and explain himself but I honestly think the OP badly misjudged this too.

Neither has come out smelling of roses

That has absolutely no correlation to my post.

I'm slightly lost with the reactions from others on this - that said, i'm making an assumption that when you sent these pictures, it was an appropriate time in your relationship. wink wink nudge nudge ;). I'm with those saying it's a red flag - what you did in your past relationship is your past, who cares if you did this previously. I hope I have the body confidence when I'm 50 - good on you!

There’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done OP so don’t let some of the responses here make you feel bad.

I think most men, a few months (or minutes) in, would be more than happy to get photos like this. I’d also feel bad about getting the reaction you did.

But I think you should be a bit wary going forwards… just in case he continues to make noises about your previous relationships and experiences.

He has given me the ick.

I agree with this.

His response is terribly unsettling. Boundaries or not. Everyone has a past and for him to pretty much say he couldn't bare the thought of these 'special moments' happening in your previous relationship is red flags for me. Afterall, you've both had sex in previous relationships which i can almost certainly say, would have felt special to each of you at the present time. So odd.

I can understand you feeling hurt at his response OP, it obviously has blind-sided you a bit. However, if the communication between you has been good up until now, I would bite the bullet and have a conversation about it. I wonder if it has made him feel slightly insecure as it might hint that you are slightly more sexually adventurous than he is? If you explain how his response has made you feel, I'd bet he will be horrified that he has made you feel badly about yourself. It's worth talking about it so that you can both hopefully understand each other's perspective and move forward in the relationship.

He felt the need to put you in your place and shame you over this.

I think it was a mistake, but you are in a physical relationship with him, and yet his response was unkind and IMO a red flag.

I would be very cautious.
I would bet you will have this thrown at you during an argument at some point.

This! You are getting some weird responses here OP. Not like you were sending nude porno shots.

@Endofyear thanks yes Im going to do this and it'll go either way, won't it. You're very perceptive as he's hinted at this before, that he thinks he's 'keeping up with me' somehow. I need to get him to understand that this confidence is new and has a lot to do with being with him!

I can see both sides of the argument, however, watch out for any more red flags…

Oh OP, you are giving him way too much credit here. He's letting you know that your sexuality makes him feel insecure, and instead of seeing this for the red flag that it is, you're worrying about how to reassure him. Even your OP is all about changing yourself to make his behaviour okay. How can you not take this personally? How about you take it very personally indeed, because it IS personal, and it's intended to be that way. He can't handle your confidence, so he's going to try to make you feel less confident. Is that really the kind of man you want to be with?

If you fawn and flatter and coddle him, all you'll do is give him more ammunition. Next time he feels the need to put you down, he'll say things like, you know how bad this makes me feel, but you still do it. And you'll feel terrible, because you're trying so hard to keep him happy. And this will make it easier for him to keep wearing away at you, until you can't even remember the confident, happy person you used to be.

Sure, give him a chance. Tell him that you're not going to make yourself smaller so he can feel big. Tell him if he wants to be with you, he has to get over his insecurities and jealousy and stop trying to make you feel bad and neg you. If he can handle that honesty, reflect on his behaviour, and genuinely understand what's wrong with it, apologise, and change - great. But I think you won't do that, because you know the response you get won't be anything like this. You'll be able to hold on to the relationship by losing yourself, but is that really what you want? Why not hold out for a man who actually likes and respects you for who you are?

Agree. His response was really, really off. It indicates that he sees you as a possession that's been used by competitors.

Big red flag.

Don't make yourself smaller to appease him, OP.

What was the context of sending the photos? I'd feel a bit blindsided if someone I'd been dating for a few months randomly sent me underwear pics when I was least expecting them - especially if I was in the middle of something and my mind wasn't really in that place. I once dated a guy who used to phone me and open with "So are you horny?" Actually, I'm looking at laundry detergent in the supermarket and working out which is the best value for money so not really, no. Maybe he just wasn't in that headspace.

Yes, it's beyond my comprehension - even without a face in the photo.

It's demeaning, in my opinion.

You've sent him the equivalent of a dick pic and you're wondering why he's not chuffed?

I think there's two different things there. He didn't want unsolicited pictures and isn't into that kind of thing - fine, you've learned something, you can both move on from it and be more careful.

The bullshit about past partners is irrelevant and a red flag and worth keeping an eye on.