How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

I agree with this.

However if you hadn't discussed the idea of sending photos beforehand I can imagine that some people would find it a bit shocking if some unsolicited nude photos suddenly appeared in their in box.

Sexy pictures are normal in lots of relationships.
you didn’t do anything weird at all.
fair enough if he doesn’t want them.
BUT, him saying all the about other men is downright weird and I’d be wary of him.

I agree.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. I would expect most men to be pleased tbh. Not sure what planet most of the posters here are on that they think an average bloke wouldn't like to see his girlfriend in sexy underwear.

He's waving a MASSIVE RED FLAG in your face. I would end this because his reaction was dismissive, jealous, insecure, and controlling. It's only been a few months. End it before things get worse.

It’s a difficult one. I would not like for someone to send me “sexy pics” and I wouldn’t send any to a guy. But I do wonder about his comments on previous men.

This is a weird thing to do OP. I’m not surprised by his reaction. It’s still quite early days so no wonder he thinks there’s all sorts of blokes who have semi naked photos of you. That’s not unreasonable. You didn’t ask him if he was ok with that either.
Having had too many unsolicited dick pics it’s a massive turn off. Sounds like he’s not impressed either.
I wouldn’t want anyone to have/share pics of me which is why I don’t take them. He could do anything with them? You’ve only known him 4 months and it’s very much the honeymoon period.
I think you’ve really misjudged this.

Agree with this. I simply wouldn't send naked/underwear sexy photos anywhere to anyone, ever. I wouldn't want them either.

Not keen on his response though. Sounds a bit petulant and disparaging. Mind you, he may have come up with that as an explanation when really, he didn't know how to say he didn't want sexy photos thanks. Dunno.

Flip side to PP’s responses. You could argue that it’s a bit of a red flag that he’s so insecure over your actions. His first thought to seeing your sexy picture was about how you just have done it with someone else, and it therefore isn’t special?? Okay, I by not take sex off the table altogether!? Sorry but no Matthew - I can’t give you a BJ. I’ve actually done that with previous partners and I wouldn’t want you to think I was taking inspiration from those times in some strange way.

Sort of ludicrous under a microscope.

However, In general I don’t condone to sending pictures without warning/consent.

I don’t think sending sexualised unsolicited pictures to someone you’ve only been serene a matter of weeks is normalised in society tbh. If a man did this to me without warning, I’m not sure I’d continue in the relationship tbh I’d be horrified.

And you nudging him for a better response and it being a social gift does sound quite needy and desperate imo.

His response is pretty poor but he may just be absolutely mortified and mumbled some nonsense as he just wanted it to never have happened.

I think you’ve made a really bad error of judgement here if I’m honest and it’s possibly ruined a good thing.

Might just be me...I know nothing of sending nudes or sexting or any of it...but I would find photos without a face a bit seedy and dark.
Appreciate I am completely inexperienced and this might just be what people do when sending these type of shots.

He might feel the same.
No idea.

I didn't invite him to study my imperfections, its the vulnerability of sharing such images. That's why to send them meant a show of trust to me. No way would I be asking for any feedback like this!

Well yes, I've said up thread that it's highlighted to me the need for approval and this is something I now know I need to work on

I think you're getting a kicking here, OP, not sure why, when your boyfriend's response is actually what you wanted to discuss. And rightly so, because it's really controlling and jealous.

Look. If he had said, hey this kind of thing doesn't appeal to me/I wish you'd asked before sending those as I feel it's a bit inappropriate, then fair enough. But he didn't. He basically implied that you were a slut.

I don’t think sending sexualised unsolicited pictures to someone you’ve only been serene a matter of weeks is normalised in society tbh.

Comments like this are just meant to shame you, OP. It's perfectly fine to send sexy pics to your boyfriend of 4 months and most men would be pleased. Maybe it would have been better to discuss it first, but it's hardly something to apologise for.

Not something me and hubby do, I would find it absolutely weird when I can have the real deal every night lol

You may need to work on your need for affirmity and approval OP but if there's one lesson you should take from this it is please don't feel the need to share near naked photos, especially to someone you have only been with a short time. He obviously likes you for you and you are enough, please believe that x

You sent him pics and discovered that he doesn't like that. Surely 4 months in, that's what it's about - learning what each other likes? You have learned something about him, that's all. It's part and parcel of getting to know each other.

This did cross my mind, too. And I said as much to him, bit his response was because they're 'normal' sexual activities but pictures are not something he's come across before, therefore he'd like not to have these 'special things' been done with others before him.
And for those saying that the pictures were totally out of the blue, in my mind they kind of followed on from conversations we'd had about what kind of underwear he finds sexy. So kind of broached beforehand, but no I hadn't given any warning of sending photos so I get the unsolicited tag that pp have attached.

His reaction makes him a bit of a knob, in my opinion.

you've been together for 4 months and he's happy to enjoy a sexual relationship with you, but gets all prim and prissy over a photo. A normal healthy reaction would have been to tell you you're gorgeous and how proud he is of the relationship, not make you feel like crap, and tick you off as if you've committed the crime of the century,

you trusted him and he's trampled on your emotions.

Some men just can't handle sexually confident women, they are a threat. He sounds quite insecure and unable to celebrate your confidence.

The pictures here are a red herring. If he didn’t want pictures being given because he doesn’t like that kind of interaction that’s fine and valid. The fact is that’s not what he’s saying - he’s specifically against it because it makes him think of your potential past and there’s something deeply uncomfortable about this for me.

He’s not weird. You’re not weird. He had communicated. All is good. Don’t beat yourself up. I get your intention and meaning. It wasn’t his cup of tea. That’s ok. X

If he said it wasn’t his cup of tea that would be fine - he didn’t. He said he had an issue with it because he has assumed to himself that this is something she may have done in the past and then got upset about it. That’s insanely insecure and a red flag.

I second this. Getting "sexy" pictures from someone I'm dating would make me🤢..

No my comment is not meant to shame the OP - it’s a response to her saying it’s normalised by society which no I don’t believe it is.

Although these pics wouldn’t meet the threshold, sending unsolicited sexual or intimate photos is actually a criminal offence so society generally doesn’t see this as ‘normalised’ - male or female. I’ve been sent almost naked and naked photos by men and in every case it’s ended the brief relationship.

Its absolutely fine to send these photos if both parties are agreeable but it’s a discussion first and only send when requested imo

Seems very normal to me to send some sexy pics in a relationship. Not graphic obviously. His response to me does seem unusual, perhaps he was just worried you were expecting him to reply with pics of himself? And he didn’t feel comfortable with that?

Lol, come on. You think he should call the police and make a complaint? Ffs catch yourself on.

"Hello love, just so you don't get a shock, I'm just about to send you over a photo of me in me undies, may I have your consent?"

honestly it's ridiculous, what a passion-killer. this is a grown adult! It's a photo of someone he's in a relationship with.