How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

Him not liking the pictures you sent is absolutely fine. His over-the-top jealous reaction is very much not.

I would treat this as a warning flag and be very careful going forward.

Are you sure you have completely rebuilt your shark cage after your previous abusive relationship? If not, you remain as easy prey for anyone who wants to treat you badly.

It was not the equivalent of a dick pic.

OP...I completely understand why you feel a bit let down.
Id want a " wow you look gorgeous" type of response too.
If it later led to a conversation about how he was a bit surprised by pictures and he doesn't" need " them to make him like you/ fancy you etc to, then all well and good.
But his response is not great, it's very odd to reference other experiences you may have had...id be a bit more careful around him going forward

It absolutely wasn’t, and I don’t think it will have landed like that.

If he’s a bit old fashioned/traditional, it will just have taken him by surprise. We talk so much about the negatives of sending photographs- women and children being pressured into it, pictures escaping on to the internet, non consensual images, objectifying images- that he may have all that bound up with it. My DH would be horrified. Taken aback, startled…. It would have nothing to do with how you looked, he’d just have been to taken aback to know how to respond. ‘What’s the right thing to say?’, panic!

So I've spoken to him, and it appears his problem lies with my wording of a question I'd asked at the time. I'd sent the photos, got a lukewarm response, so asked 'are you the type of man who likes seeing pictures, would you say you're more visually stimulated or something else?'. I asked this just so I could understand his lacklustre response and see why it could've been - if it was down to something I'd done, or something inherent in him that just meant they hadn't hit the right note. His response was something else entirely - he said that in asking 'are you the type of man...', he thought that I was trying to categorise him into a type. And in doing so, must have known (or 'been with') different types of men, hence he didn't feel very special and that I was not seeing him as a standalone person in his own right. I've tried to explain to him that it was a turn of phrase, I could have just have easily have asked 'do YOU like seeing pictures'. It was then made worse by him asking me to tell him truthfully if I'd sent any before to previous partners, which I have done in a past LDR, and again he said that this doesn't make it something that we share that is special to us only.
I think a lot of PPS have flagged up an insecure streak in him and I have seen this for myself previously with him, too. But I've been insecure before, and have had those feelings where I was so on edge that I wasn't enough somehow that my feelings would overwhelm me. I still do, but am in a better place now to rationalise and process them as they arise. He has taken responsibility for these feelings and says it's definitely a him problem, but is still sore about the whole thing.
I want to stick around to help him with this because he has many other qualities that I value greatly. I think a previous suggestion of having a frank talk about what we each find acceptable is a good start, although I am struggling to work out how to go about tackling this really. I have heard of retroactive jealousy and will look further into this now as someone mentioned it previously and from what I understand of it, it might be what's at play here.
Thanks everyone for your input. I get the warnings that this may lead to me having to really check myself and become smaller in order for him to not feel threatened. And this is a worry.

Honestly, I think he could do better than you OP. You sound beyond patronising "I want to stick around to help him with this". He sounds like a nice guy who didn't want sexy pictures of you and then followed up with 'are you the type of man who likes seeing pictures, would you say you're more visually stimulated or something else?'.

How would you feel if you didn't react in the way he wanted and he asked if "you are the type of woman that...". Then he proceeded to define you as super insecure and in need of his help.

Poor guy, I think he would find this thread enlightening.

I wouldn’t send or want to recieve pics like this. What’s the point?

Even though you know the pictures made him uncomfortable, you push him for a more detailed response and then say you 'want to stick around to help him with his problem' - it's not a problem to him!! If he's got any sense he'll call it a day as you're not compatible.

He has taken responsibility for these feelings and says it's definitely a him problem, but is still sore about the whole thing.

He's sore because his girlfriend sent him some sexy pictures and asked if he liked them?

Sorry OP, he's no good. You flirted with him, sending some pics of yourself in underwear that you'd previously discussed. You were trying to be playful and sexy. Instead of being pleased about this, feeling happy that his girlfriend was so into him, and making sure she knew the feelings were reciprocated, he actually saw someone being vulnerable and couldn't resist getting a little thrill by negging you. Then you asked a question which, to be honest, exposed your vulnerability even more because it showed that instead of standing up for yourself, you were trying to get his approval. So he found a way of twisting your words to make it seem 'reasonable' that he was behaving the way he was. Obviously he can't admit that it was just fun to be cruel to you, but now you've given him the opportunity to really get into the idea that you're the one being cruel to him, by having had past relationships and being too confident for him.

You've found yourself another abuser, OP. I could be wrong but I would bet my house that I'm not. But test it for yourself. You need to really push back hard against his claims of hurt feelings and insecurity. Tell him it's not acceptable to act like he has and that you won't tolerate anything like this ever again. Tell him if he expects to have sex with you, he needs to make you feel desired and wanted, not like you're 'too much' or a slut. Explain in no uncertain terms that you will not stand for being treated that way ever again, and you're not going to be pandering to his moods. You don't have to be angry, just be clear and straightforward. How he responds to that will tell you all you need to know.

it wasn't a close-up "split beaver" so on no way equivalent to an unsolicited dick pick. OP, he's insecure, keep an eye on how he continues to manifest this.

'He has taken responsibility for these feelings and says it's definitely a him problem, but is still sore about the whole thing.'

What's he got to be sore about?

Agree with everything @wrongthinker said.

He made you feel embarrassed, awkward and ashamed and I suspect that was deliberate.

Very wise to proceed slowly and carefully.

@wrongthinker ...well said.
He's making the OP feel at fault...and so many red flags about him not liking the fact the OP has had previous experience...there's enough there for bunting!
He's got the OP trying herself up on knots now making sure she doesn't do anything to upset...how long before he trots out some line about how he loves her so much he can't bear the thought she's been with other men....

I’ve not read many comments so apologies if I’m missing loads- but imho sexy pics are a bit marmite. Both men and women either love or loathe them. If he’s not a fan then he was in a difficult position. Obviously he couldn’t lie and pretend he liked them (as then you would send more). So he had to let you know gently he didn’t. It would have been better to ask first? However you can’t go back in time so just put it behind you and move on. And know it’s nothing personal I bet you looked stunning

You are a lot of work.

So much thinking, analysing and processing going on in this relationship. It's only been four months. You should still be at the fun stage. Sounds exhausting.

I hate to break it to you, but men and women see receiving these kind of pictures very differently, generally speaking.

OP, my DH had some weird jealously issues with other men in our first few months together; it’s all fine now.

There’s nothing weird about sending revealing photos to your other half, plenty of people do it and I’m confident to say most men like it. A lot of women DON’T.

Most of the female posters here are viewing this from their own perspective rather than what men actually like. Men don’t think like women on this subject, whatever you might like to believe.

I would feel humiliated tbh if my partner had given me that reaction.
I cant imagine feeling sexually comfortable or secure with someone who had taken the opportunity to slutshame me for sending a few pics in underwear.
Id dump

Maybe he just doesn’t like being sent unexpected nudes/ underwear pics; thinks they’re a bit naff or whatever? That’s fine too.

Yes, asking if he's the type of man who... Was very clumsy, and I should've kept it to asking him as a one-of-kind person, not a type. I can see why that rankled.
But it's not just this that made me proceed to label him as insecure. More I have identified this based on his questions about previous behaviours with others, plus some other comparisons he's made and his hang ups about whether I've done with others exactly what I've done with him. It wasn't direct route from this occasion to that conclusion.
And yes to help with his intrusive thoughts IS what I'd like to do. Because that's what I would have liked when I've suffered the same in the past. I'm no better than him to be the helper Vs the one in need of help. Would you rather Idve said support him? Or should I just leave him to it? I want to reassure him if that's what he's dealing with, what's so patronising about that?

I wonder whether you're having a bit of White Knight thinking here. I say this as a reformed White Knighter. It's not really respectful to him because it poses you as superior to him. It also puts you in danger of tolerating his shitty jealousy, when you should simply be putting boundaries down about it. He has to deal with his jealousy all by himself. You enabling him by "helping" him won't get him to that point.

@Drowningincokezero "he said that in asking 'are you the type of man...', he thought that I was trying to categorise him into a type. And in doing so, must have known (or 'been with') different types of men, hence he didn't feel very special and that I was not seeing him as a standalone person in his own right. I've tried to explain to him that it was a turn of phrase, I could have just have easily have asked 'do YOU like seeing pictures'. It was then made worse by him asking me to tell him truthfully if I'd sent any before to previous partners, which I have done in a past LDR, and again he said that this doesn't make it something that we share that is special to us only."

That's also really super fussy, and that you're giving it any credence instead of telling him to grow up makes me concerned for you. This picky sulky focus on exact phrasing and minutiae is exactly how men trap women into abusive relationships.

I'm going to quote a famous post from years ago that has since circulated non-stop on the internet because it exactly describes how emotionally abusive relationships evolve. It might be useful to see how you're being drawn into the box here:

“What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an ‘argument.’ So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row.”

Ok, I'll take this on board. I've reassured once, and can see your point that labouring it won't do either of us any favours. Thank you

That was in response to your first post @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

I think you've (sorry) exposed yourself as being not the "type of" person your new BF can feel comfortable with. And, I must say, I don't blame him.

Some men would like this, some wouldn’t. Doesn’t mean anything, just tell him it was a misjudgment.