How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

Thanks @Hopingtobeaparent he has initiated sex almost daily, and so I believed he was on the same page as me. But recent talks have had him admit that he feels as though he needs to keep up with me!?! He has this impression of me that I'm some sort of man-eater which really couldn't be further from the truth. If anything, and I have reassured him of this repeatedly, my sexual expression has been a result of being with HIM, our mental connection and the security I feel around him. He cites me talking about 50 shades of gray sometimes previously and how I quite liked the idea of that dynamic (in theory, and in the bedroom, not in real life and not all the time), as I imagine a lot of women will have done considering national sales of lingerie etc went through the roof after it's release. But he said that in me talking about this, that I was treating him as some sort of puppet, that he could've been anybody used to fulfill that fantasy. I'm close to giving in here. I've only ever orgasmed with this man and no others, and have told him as much. And yet he says he doesn't feel special. I've already cancelled a holiday I was due to go on at the start of our relationship (booked before I met him) because it was a group of women and he wasn't comfortable because I was single when I booked it. I can categorically say that all I intended to do on that holiday was sunbathe and enjoy the company of friends. Men would have been given short shrift by me, although I took his point at the time that there were some of my friends who probably wouldve enjoyed flirting if the chance arose. But I wasn't in that headspace and was looking forward to some sun and time not being mum.
Yesterday I told him that the boots he was wearing made him look sexy. Today he tells me that I must've been thinking about other men wearing those boots.
I think PP who have flagged up some warnings have been right. And I'll be damned if I'm going to be his rescuer, this man finds problems where there are none and makes them my fault.

Yikes... ok, my original comment was going to be that at least he's shared his feelings honestly (about the pics) and it's ok for him to have tamer / different sexual preferences.

But your latest update puts a totally different spin on it.

You cancelled a holiday because he was uncomfortable with it???? And he's making comments about you wearing boots???

You will orgasm with other men OP. Seriously I would run from this one and evaluate your own behaviours too.

When I came out of an abusive relationship (with a woman, I'm also female, but doesn't matter), I still had people pleasing tendencies for a very long time. I probably still do, many years later, but much less so.

I don't like the sound of him now.

Me neither, and I was one of the PPs casting aspersions on your approach!

Sorry OP. He does sound a bit weird.

After originally thinking it was a misunderstanding that could be sorted with an open chat, after your updated say run for the hills.

The holiday thing is an absolute massive red imo. I briefly dated a guy who got the hill about me going on a pre booked holiday with a mate - to Santorini which is hardly Magalluf! I told him not only would I go on the holiday, I would continue to have trips with friends even if I ended up married to him. It didn’t last long enough for me to land back at Stansted.

Sorry OP he’s a jealous controlling prick - the photos are a red herring, he will find any reason to find fault

That update is bad and you know it. He's a controlling, jealous asshole.

You cancelled a womens' holiday at the very beginning of your relationship because he said he was uncomfortable with it. That was your sign to end it right then. He showed you he was controlling.

You gave him a compliment about his boots and he again tried really hard to put you on the defensive. Look up DARVO. I bet you'll recognize some of what he's done.

He sounds really out there and he's not hiding it now. You ignored the holiday stuff and now he's gotten more comfortable and controlling. He tries to put you in the wrong so you will get wordy and lose track that there's some emotional abuse there.

You can teach other men what you like and what makes you orgasm.

Get rid of this dude. He already has you questioning yourself and your self confidence.

I read it to mean that he could study it for imperfections if he wanted but that OP trusted that he wouldn’t, which is why it was meaningful act of trust and vulnerability.

Which I understand and most men are pretty visual so I can see why it seemed a good idea and even in the early 2000s when my husband (then boyfriend) and I were in different cities I definitely thought about sending some kind of (relatively anodyne but on the sexy spectrum), but ultimately chickened out because of fear of it getting into the wrong hands. I think I wrote him a (terrible) sonnet instead 😂.

Now I’m older and wiser I would absolutely take the view that I’d never take a photo that I wouldn’t show my mum or my boss, but I can understand the instinct and I think it is pretty normalised amongst younger people from what I pick up from my (University age) students.

@Drowningincokezero

This.

He really shouldn’t have felt threatened by the girls holiday, but then you really shouldn’t have cancelled it either.

And the comment after the compliment about the boots?!

No.

Don’t lose yourself before it’s too late.

You can learn from this one, take some good points from the experience, but think it’s time to throw this one back.

I've already cancelled a holiday I was due to go on at the start of our relationship (booked before I met him) because it was a group of women and he wasn't comfortable because I was single when I booked it.

Run, OP. He's not the one for you.

I was thinking this too. It’s possibly a jealousy red flag. I had a partner who started off like this and it escalated into lots more emotional abuse and coercive control. Watch carefully OP and bail out sooner rather than later if things escalate.

Just read the holiday and the boots updates. Run, run, run from this guy.

And I'll be damned if I'm going to be his rescuer, this man finds problems where there are none and makes them my fault.

Thank god for that! I'm just catching up on your updates OP and the way you were talking about "helping" him and constantly "reassuring" him was making my blood run cold.

None of what you are describing is a problem you CAN or even SHOULD fix, he is who he is and will never change, he doesn't want to, in fact he is in the process of changing YOU to be more subservient and to look to him for approval.. he's obviously doing it subtly enough that you haven't questioned it till now.

He is trying to mould you into who he wants you to be by making you second guess yourself and knocking your confidence as and when he can, even stopping you going on holiday with your friends.. and telling you 'you don't make him feel special' to guilt you into trying harder to please him.. have a really good think about any of the times he has done this, does he treat you better when you are 'behaving' as he wants then treats you indifferently/luke warm when you do something he doesn't like?

It is not a healthy relationship and it never will be, you will end up a shell of your former self tying yourself in knots if you stay.

@Drowningincokezero "yet he says he doesn't feel special"

You're NEVER going to be able to make him feel special, because he will keep moving the goalposts of what "special" means to him. You'll constantly be on the backfoot and flogging yourself, while he continually says peevishly and petulantly that you're not trying hard enough.

It's all about getting control of you.

You've already started twisting yourself into a pretzel for him. He badgered you into canceling a holiday - with other women no less! - for him?!

Run, OP, run!

That boots thing sounds quite mad tbf.

I've only ever orgasmed with this man and no others, and have told him as much. And yet he says he doesn't feel special. I've already cancelled a holiday I was due to go on at the start of our relationship (booked before I met him) because it was a group of women and he wasn't comfortable because I was single when I booked it.

Like other posters, this has tipped it for me. He should be glowing that he's made you feel so good sexuallly but no, that's about you, and what's more important is that you worry about his feelings. The holiday is flat out manipulation and for so early on, that's concerning. I would either end it altogether or pull way back. He is responsible for his own self esteem, that's not for you to manage.

@Drowningincokezero Id watch this “lovely man” wants love bombing and now this is the tear you down stage. .
Keep your eyes open

Exactly. This is how it starts…

Miserable lot on here. He is in a tiny minority of men who would have not liked this.

His reaction was OTT. Personally I think it’s a red flag. Where will his jealousy end?

I’ve just read your latest comments OP. Cancelling holidays. Innocent remarks about boots. Just start writing it all down. To remind you what he’s actually doing.

Id run like hell.

THIS

He made you cancel your girls' holiday???? Run like the wind.

That’s a far bigger red flag than the original comment imo.

Any man who asks you to cancel something pre booked because he doesn’t approve of your friends should be immediately dumped

Exactly, this strikes as me a more significant or at least a more clear cut issue where it’s super obvious he is controlling and insecure . Instant red flag! I would not have hung around longer to be sending him any kind of texts or images - sexy or otherwise.

What a shame that you cancelled your holiday with friends because of him.

I’d say get rid of him but you also need to do some work on yourself to see why you were even accepting and normalising this. And basically letting down your friends for a man you just recently met?

I have had married friends come on “girls holidays” with me when I was single and their husbands didn’t object.

I had one friend in my 20s whose boyfriend seemed uneasy about her going on nights out or holidays with me or any of us really. Tbh I just dropped her in the end because the fact she was so quick to cancel plans with us for this man’s jealousy didn’t sit well with me.

Years later I just kind of put it down to youthful immaturity but you’re almost 50 and I assume the man is around that age too. Yikes 😧

In your OP you describe him as a sweetheart of a man- and yet the more you post about him the more controlling he sounds. I personally would be concerned I hadn’t spotted any of the red flags he’s waving. The asking me to cancel a holiday would have been an instant no for me. Are you sure you’re in the right place to date?

Echo other posters... the holiday thing is bad... you will organise with other men! Run run run

I ended a relationship because my new boyfriend was going on holiday with a group of women including his ex girlfriend and all sharing a room and beds.

he kept it secret from me tbf until I overheard a phone call from one of the women, just told me it was a planned trip with ‘mates’, I never read between the lines

he was no way cancelling that holiday and I would not have asked him to , but I decided my boundary there was not to sit at home practicing trust.
he did let me down in multiple ways to do with exes Among other things but this situation sounds very different