How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

4 months in .. in your 50’s and sending nudes .. sorry but I don’t blame him. There is a type of person that does this .. it smacks of desperation and honestly I’d be thinking too is this something you regularly do. It doesn’t mean it’s a red flag from him to be concerned. I’d move on from it .. certainly if you want the relationship to survive I wouldn’t mention it again and the way you speak about helping him sounds more like a therapist that a girlfriend.. like from all your stand points should be way easier at just 4 months

In hindsight when he didn’t really respond after you sent the photos, it wasnt a great idea to push him for more of a reaction as it feels like it’s now stirred up a bit of a hornets nest which has you both unsettled with your fledgling relationship. It’s shown fundamental differences between you which may or may not be something you can both get past.

Have you met up since this happened? Maybe an open an honest face to face conversation is what’s needed then move on and put it in the past

I seem to be in the minority but he comes across as quite insecure and emotionally immature. It sounds like something an ex of mine would have said, he was the kind of man that you can't ever please because he will find an issue with everything. He thought he was very mature and emotionally open for starting a conversation every time he had a feeling, but he just made everything my problem

Agree with this. So much of the miscommunication here could be put down to messaging, which can be so easily misconstrued when you don't really know each other all that well. It's fine for chit chat, but not for things which can be taken the wrong way and over-analysed. Have a proper conversation in person - and keep the undies stuff to in person too now you know his preferences and if that works for you.

I kind of get why he didn’t react the way you hoped he would. If I were you I would tell him that you’ve never done it before, that the only reason you did it was because you trusted him and wanted to show him how much he means to you and you now realise that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do and I would ask him to delete the photos.

Hmm, not sure. Might be a red flag. On the other hand you say he feels has has trouble keeping up with you... do you seem sort of younger and bolder, more adventurous than him? The pix might have made him wonder if you were a sort of Insta attention-seeker, and puzzled about how that all works. You asking him "are you the type of man who..." is a bit odd phrasing, to me. I wouldn't like it if a man said to me "Are you the type of woman who..." to suss out my preferences. It all sounds a bit, I don't know, transactional? Not sure what the right word is.

It's good that he's self-aware enough to put his finger on what made him feel uncomfortable. If you have a great relationship, this is just part of the learning curve as you get to know each other.

Time will tell whether he has a jealous streak, in which case he can do one 😁

If there was ever a red flag moment in a relationship it's that. Nip it in the bud with him or in another 4 months he will have full control of you. I speak from experience.

You asking him "are you the type of man who..." is a bit odd phrasing, to me. I wouldn't like it if a man said to me "Are you the type of woman who..." to suss out my preferences. It all sounds a bit, I don't know, transactional? Not sure what the right word is.

I read this as OP, feeling hurt and rejected by his initial response, trying to get reassurance. Because she made herself vulnerable and he abused this vulnerability, she adopted a more formal, distanced language to cover up for her hurt and make it seem like she wasn't bothered, just asking out of general interest kind of thing. He will, of course, have seen right through this. (And really, the only good response to your boyfriend being unkind about how you look is to block him and move on to someone who is nice to you.)

I suspect OP tries to make everything make sense and intellectualises her feelings rather than feeling and expressing them. This makes her vulnerable. I think the boyfriend is abusive and has already shown this behaviour on more than one occasion, but she's trying to rationalise it as insecurity and forcing herself to accept that she's at fault, as this is easier than facing the fact that her boyfriend is a shithead and she needs to dump him.

Actually I think the bit that sounds odd to me is "would you say you're more visually stimulated or something else?" .... it sounds sort of clinical, and a bit errrmmm "we cater for all tastes" sorry OP just my impression!

edited to fix weird formatting!

@wrongthinker You have me right! I do this a lot, try and work out the hows and whys rather than accepting my feelings and expressing them as is. I'm not sure though that I fully believe that I'm at fault in this, just that I could've handled it better. The other instances of his insecurity have also been when I've taken the sexual side forward a step. @Beachtastic yes I am bolder than him in this respect. Perhaps it is an incompatability, or perhaps it is a slap down from him that I must stay in my place. I'm going to carry on ahead with my eyes open, take the advice on here to hold firm my personality that makes me who I am, and refuse to enter into any further discussions about my past encounters if it's going to give him fodder to judge. We shall see how it unfolds. This has been a learning experience in lots of ways.

Jeez, there’s a lot of overthinking going on there! You sent him underwear pictures and it really wasn’t his thing so now he has some kind of problem you want to help him with? Retrospective jealousy! Don’t make me laugh. If my dh popped up on my phone in his boxers, I’d spit my tea out-and reach for the gin if he earnestly started asking me if I had issues. Look, some people like underwear pictures and some people don’t-it might have been a good idea to find out which it was before.

I just want to say OP that I don't think you did anything wrong or unusual at all. I would have thought that underwear/semi-nude shots are the normal kind of thing to exchange with a relatively new sexual partner.

I would be careful not to send anything that you absolutely would not want to be passed around (as it's always a risk). You didn't have your face on the pictures though, so that was wise.

Seriously, I don't know why there have been comments suggesting he would be 'horrified', why the Hell would he be? It seems to have ignited some jealousy in him but 'horrified'?! (The jealousy is over the top and an obvious red flag).

I've changed my tune somewhat.
He's clearly very jealous and insecure. This is a massive red flag. He's acting jealous about your past relationships which is totally out of order and could turn to controlling and abusive behaviour. Honestly I think you should chuck him. The last thing you need is another wrong 'un and he sounds like he is one.

I got a weird non reaction to some beautiful tasteful nudes I sent in a previous relationship and I was sad and embarrassed. It then transpired later on that he’s a huge porn user and my pictures where the equivalent of a Janet and John book in comparison to the porn he liked, I felt a reet twit I can tell thee

Consider, if I have you right, maybe I have him right, too? I suspect the way he tries to overcome his insecurities is to make his partner feel small, so he can feel big. And honestly, whatever the ins and outs of this relationship, the fact is that he was unkind and made you feel horrible about your appearance and attractiveness - that's not okay. Don't you deserve someone who appreciates you and is happy to let you know that? You're four months in; you should be deep in the honeymoon stage, not trying to work out if it's okay for him to neg you and shame you. Listen, you can't change people or fix them - if he isn't the kind of boyfriend you want NOW, he's never going to be that in the future. He's not the one.

OP, you read as a bit desperate to make it work with an insecure, immature little man whose go to is to put you down.
His behaviour is a red flag. He sounds so whiney.
So unattractive.
This dynamic sounds toxic to you.
He is not subtle in trying to make out that you have too much of a "past" for him.
This will not be the last time you will see his whiney insecure personality try to diminish you.

I don't understand any people who do this.

When all is said and done (and taking into account these were not naked pictures just some underwear shots) i think he could have been kinder whatever he thought really.

I mean he could have said something like 'Beautiful, but I'd much rather see you in person, rather than pictures.....so when are you free next?'

That would have got the message across that he didn't really want any more but would have been kinder to the OP's ego.

Yes I know we should all be secure and validate ourselves etc etc but is one of the points of having a long term partner not to support us, bolster our confidence and generally make our life better.

I used to date a really nice guy who used to wear skinny jeans which I hated and in my opinion did not suit him at all. When he wore them i would say nothing. When he wore regular fit jeans i would tell him how much I liked them.

I think you find out alot about a person when you are vunerable with them. Are they kind and supportive and loving. Great, winner. Do they take the opportunity to make you feel bad, proceed with caution.

But this is not her DH, it's a new relationship.

He could just have said 'hey, you don't need to send me those, you know.' But he made her feel bad about it.

'His reaction honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had, it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.'

@Drowningincokezero

You have very good insight, OP, we all have insecurities, and it is helpful to own them.

The communication between you is a real bonus that you can hopefully utilise.

It does sound like he is threatened/intimidated by your sexual brevity, and appetite for it overall. He sounds like a sensitive soul, that comes with its pros and cons.

Express your concerns about keeping things alive and ask him what he would like? My BF has taken his own pics of me when we’re together to remember me by, maybe that’s is more your BF’s style, more personal, if at all 🤷‍♀️ Agree though, yes, may be a bit too early for this to even be necessary, but you’ve acknowledged that.

Does he just generally have a lower sex drive? He might.

You mentioned him having intrusive thoughts? Does he need actual therapy?

Try not to become a rescuer. Do you have a tendency for that? His insecurities are his own to work on, as you do, have done, with yours.

Good luck!

Wow, man-hater alert!

OP sent unsolicited nudes to their partner, who was shocked to receive them. And somehow that’s the (male) partner’s fault!

I 100% guarantee you, if it was a man sending an unsolicited dick pick to their female partner, your advice would have been the exact opposite.

We get it, you hate men.

Urgh this would put me right off. It’s like you are making assumptions about him and not tuned into him as a unique person. I would have at least found out first if it’s the kind of thing he likes or build up to it with flirty banter. Someone once sent me a nude pic completely unannounced and very early in the relationship and it put me right off. I was on holiday with my kids at the time and was shocked. I actually ended the relationship shortly after that because I felt unseen and like we weren’t a match. Everyone is very different sexually and the fun of a relationship is mutual exploration.

She sent lingerie pics, not nudes. Lingerie ads are all over the place, they're very much mainstream. They have giant billboards with models and actors in underwear on my city.

Does he clutch his pearls at those? He really does sound insecure and jealous and threatened when you take any sexual initiative. I think this is a caution flag to be careful and if he pops up any more or starts to be hard work or trying to put you on the defensive over something again, end the relationship.

Wow, random man-hater accuser alert!

If you'd bothered to read the OP's posts, you would have learned very quickly that she didn't send nudes. She sent a body shot of her in nice lingerie.

In fact, you must not have read the vast majority of OP's posts, since she repeatedly specified what type of photo it was.

I’m actually surprised at the number of posters who haven’t IMMEDIATELY seen the giant red flags that this man is raising!