How to not take this personally

[Drowningincokezero]

I'm in a new relationship of 4 months, to a sweetheart of a man. Out communication is better than I've ever known and we've talked about lots of meaningful subjects, he makes me feel safe and secure, takes on board my pov about many things and I feel as though I'm at my most body- and sexually confident point in my life with him.
Today I sent him some underwear pics to add some spice (no face but he knew it was me). His reaction though is what has taken me aback and has honestly left me feeling shit. I know the pictures were ok so it's not that... He just seemed not so bothered about them. When I nudged him on it he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.
I can definitely empathise with the churning up of feelings when your mind does wander to what your partner might have done before you met, but surely this applies to all sexual activity too, and he doesn't have a problem with that? He knows at my age I won't be coming to him as a virgin, but he seems to think I'm so experienced and have had more lovers than him. FFS I was married and monogamous for 25 years! It's hardly as if he's been a wallflower all his life, either (and has a 20 year relationship under his belt). I think we've both had a pretty normal number of experiences from what we've chatted about so far, albeit both had pretty tame marriages as far as sex went.
I've taken it hard. I saw the pictures as kind of a special gift, putting me in the a vulnerable position of him being able to study the images for imperfections and all sorts, rather than a fleeting glance at a moving body part when we're together in real life. I carry insecurity like anyone else and I'm very nearly 50 so have a few issues, naturally, even though maturity allows me to push these to one side and employ some perspective. I would have loved for him to have been excited and dare I say grateful, for want of a better word, and this flat response has really knocked the wind out of my sails.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I suppose just to write it out and see if I can see his point of view. But I'm struggling. Any words of wisdom? Thanks x

Some guys just aren't into that. My husband wouldn't have been thrilled to have me sending him sexy photos when we got together. Honestly, unless it's something he is into it just seems a little cheap.

This is such a bizarre thread for trying to make to OP feel small. It's actually pretty fucking horrible.

I don't think his reaction was a red flag. You pushed him for a further response when he hadn't known how to respond so he was trying to understand it himself and might not have articulated it the best, but it comes down to the fact he isn't into being sent sexy pix out of the blue and it made him feel weird, as evidently it would for plenty of PPs here. That might mean you're incompatible, and if what you're wanting is a man to whack off over your photos and send you dick pics back there's plenty of them on the apps. But it sounds like you got a different kind of guy who doesn't like seeing you as a headless body in underwear, and it's troubled him that you trust him enough after 4 months to have assumed that that's what he wanted. There's definitely a mismatch or a misunderstanding but I wouldn't be jumping to him seeing you as some possession with no past allowed. He knows how old you are and that you've both been around the block, but it's a different thing imagining phone porn of your partner being out there, still available to be wanked over by god knows who. That's where his mind's gone and it's not pleasant no matter how liberal one is.

I agree. I think the OP has made an error of judgement and it’s maybe a lesson learned that these sort of photos aren’t for everyone and should be discussed first.

His response is pretty crap tbh. I don’t think the OP should have pushed him after his initial lukewarm reaction but in doing so he’s revealed something that may have been hidden below the surface about his attitude towards her.

If they really like each other, I’d say they need a serious conversation about both of their boundaries and what is and isn’t acceptable on both sides.

Posters are expressing their views on OP's actions.
That's why she started the thread: for peoples opinions.
You obviously want to censor the thread.

Many people on this thread are shaming you OP as if you sent x rated images

It was sexy and flirty (not gratuitous) lingerie shots no different to an M & S public billboard.

4 months of being in a relationship is honeymoon period (can't stop thinking about you, I want to have sex with you as much as possible)

You were just flirting

He sounds repressed/ jealous/ shocked!
You can talk to him, work out if it's no big deal and move on, or if he's got some deeper issues

You did nothing wrong!

I’d be really uncomfortable receiving pics like that. It feels like objectification.

What a stupid fucking reply 😂

Absolute nobody is posting threads asking to be called cheap and desperate, nobody.

The equivalent of a dick pic is not a ‘full body pic with underwear on pic’……Basically the same as what you would wear on a beach or by the pool ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ there was no genitalia involved.

If a poster has called the OP " cheap and desperate " then have you or OP reported the post as a personal attack?

There is a big difference between calling OP's action in sending these unsolicited photos a " cheap and desperate " thing to do and actually calling OP " cheap and desperate".

Personally I think her action in sending the photos was inexplicable and demeaning. And I defend my right to say so on a thread specifically started to ask for opinions. But I certainly wouldn't resort to personal abuse of the OP.

Ive not read all the posts on the thread and a lot have criticised her action in sending these photos but if anyone was personally abusive to her it must be in one of the posts I have missed.

True - and 'what a stupid fucking reply' is hardly a model of respectful posting.

Sorry OP, sounds like you tried to do something 'nice' for him but it has backfired.

I've been on both sides of this.

I've had a naked dick pic sent to me by someone I was dating/sleeping with and I have to admit I was shocked and somewhat horrified as I opened the email at work on my work computer. However i know he did it as he was having some anxiety and insecurity about ED and so I just sent him a comment back 'Jeez how am I meant to get any work done now' as if I liked it. Thankfully he never sent any more after that. I just saw it as him trying to show me that yes he could get a firm errection after feeling insecure about some issues and so I would never have done anything to knock his confidence this way.

I've been made to feel bad by someone I dated who proclaimed I ALWAYS wanted sex. Now we met up twice a week and yes I did like to have sex on those 2 days but since when was twice a week the same as ALL the time.
I did point out that if I saw him 7 times a week I would probably still want sex just twice a week and i thought twice a week was pretty 'average' anyway.
The point is I felt horrible, shamed, disgusting, unwanted etc.
I mean I could have said to him actually I think you just have a low sex drive for a man and other partners have been way more enthusiastic and into sex with me. I didn't though because that would have made him feel like shit.

Another time I wore some sexy undies for him and he took a nose bleed and that was it no sex that night. Previous partners had loved me in stockings and high heels etc and had bought me underwear which I would wear for them in private. Both these men were very respectful and loving and I was with them both for years and years. I thought it was nice that they liked to see me dressed up and it made me feel good to be admired and wanted. This dude acting shocked and taking a nose bleed made me feel really stupid for having done it.

It's funny how you can't tell what men are going to be like sexually. For example my ex husband was an exceptionally well mannered person, easy going to a fault and I never once saw him lose his temper during 13 years together.
He never, ever pressurised for sex yet given the opportunity of some dirty sex he was a most enthusiastic and appreciative partner and could quite lose himself in the experience. He took some sexy pics of me when we were young (in underwear not naked) and we had to get them developed at boots cos it was before digital cameras. He had no issue with that either and yet if you met him he came across as quite posh, very well spoken and exceptionally nice (he was)

Only you can decide how to proceed now. I mean lets be honest you are going to feel a bit daft now around him and it will probably be harder to be relaxed/feel sexy around him. I never tried to wear sexy undies for mr nosebleed/you always want sex man again and yes it dented my confidence. This same person though had had anal sex previously as I said i wouldn't do that with him so he was a weird mix. I think he only like it when he was being dominant and if a women was 'wanting' ie showing interest in having sex or dressing up, it turned him off.
Thank goodness most of my partners have not been like that. I haven't slept with that many (can still count them on my fingers) but most have been enthusiastic re sexy undies and a partner who wanted sex.

Think how you want to proceed with this man before you act. It's a tricky one.

Anyway i just wanted you to know you weren't alone and I had experienced both sides of it and how I handled it.

Yes you must have missed it, so maybe wind your neck in. I haven't had a go at anyone anyone for criticising her actions and in fact pointed out also that what she did was unsolicited. Absolutely fucking pointless response when you haven't read the full thread by your own admission.

Yeah, it would weird me out a bit. I wouldn't have known what to say.

But wholly appropriate when the reply is, in fact, fucking stupid.

So have you reported the posts which are personal attacks on OP?

I’d be interested to know what his response to you asking to talk about his reaction would be? That would tell you everything, lay his thinking bare and save you a tonne of time if he does have a personality issue that will wreak havoc on your wellbeing.

Yes. I’d think ‘Who is this person?’ I’m pretty sexually driven, but it wouldn’t be at all normal for me. I’d be asking questions about why the other person thought I’d want these photos, and what drove them to take and send them.

“ I imagine he wouldn't see any need for me to do this.”

Exactly this - it’s a bit….unnecessary. My DH would think it extraordinary if I were to send him such pics - sounds as though your new chap is the same. I really don’t think it has anything to do with jealousy or insecurity - much more that he just can’t understand why you would see the need to send them.

I’m married and love sex with my husband but have never sent him underwear pics-it’s just not my thing. If he sent me one in his boxers, I’d probably ask him if he’s not happy with us sexually or think it’s a bit cringe. Maybe it’s just not his thing. Each to their own-I’d have sounded him out about things like that maybe before sending. It’s probable that he!s just not into sexy pics-nothing to do with what he thinks of you.

I don't think he's done anything terrible. He can't help it if he's not used to receiving saucy pics and maybe just doesn't know how to react. He might think it would lead to you asking for dick pics and he's embarrassed to do that?

I guess he may be a fair bit less experienced than you. Not in number necessarily but in stuff you've tried/enjoyed.

Either way, just move on from it. You tried to do something you thought would be a turn on and it wasn't. No biggie. Unless he's undermining your confidence or making you feel insecure I think you should just try and forget about it.

OP I think it’s great you’re in a relationship where you’re feeling more confident sexually and enjoying those times with your new partner.

I can understand if you’ve had negative experiences before that you’re excited about this newfound confidence and wanted to express that.

The trouble is that it all seems kind of very you focused - you wanted him to support your confidence, you wanted to show your vulnerability, you wanted him to be grateful or see it as a gift - at no point does it appear you were kind of thinking about what he might want in terms of what you could mutually enjoy together. Whether thats because you assumed of course he’d like it or were thinking that your vulnerability was in of itself the gift, I don’t know.

But it does seem like you’re so focused on your own sexual empowerment (which is amazing and great btw) that you may have forgotten that this is a mutual sexual interaction. You may have misread this/did not get enough information to know if this was something he would welcome I think because you were coming from an angle that focused on him validating your needs and sexual expression vs actually what could be explored together.

The fact that you now want to discuss with him how much his response has upset you in the light of your choice to send this without really knowing if he’d welcome it is a bit more of the same. It’s very all about you and how he can support you in feeling good. Honestly if it were me on the receiving end of this I’d be perturbed too.

Can't say I've ever done this and not likely to now(!) however receiving a photo of a faceless body in underwear (even if it was someone I fancied) would do nothing for me at all!

'he admitted that because he'd never received anything like this before, it made him question who else in previous relationships I'd done this sort of thing with, and on realising that I probably had (I have, in a previous LDR to keep things going over distance), it wasn't something that he felt was special to us and inasmuch, he didn't want to see them.'

A little🚩just went up in my head when I read that line.

I learned about 'retroactive jealously' in my last relationship.

I don't think that what you did was wrong or misjudged in any way at all, OP. I also do not believe that he has never been sent anything like this or wanted to receive it.

I hope I am wrong because you sound really happy. Maybe just go slowly and carefully with this.

How is a tasteful photo in your underwear the equivalent to a dick pic?? This is a man she is already sleeping with and this is the equivalent to a bikini picture. She had ZERO genitals or private parts on display while wearing all of her underwear.