How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

Talk to your wife and try and understand where her insecurity is coming from. Ultimately decide who is more important to you.

If you love and care for your wife, listen to her worries and end your new friendship.

End the friendship. She is your WIFE. You don't need another woman to chat to, talk to her.

End the friendship
invest that time and energy with your wife if You’re serious about your marriage
she’s telling you every clearly she’s not happy with your behaviour

Yes you have to work with her you do not have to have a friendship outside of work if it is upsetting your wife. Turn your energy into your marriage. Your wife is your top priority. I am sure if your wife suddenly had a friendship with a male colleague, they chatted on the phone and went out socially and you were unhappy you would want her to curtail it.

Stop being so repellently smug?

I have good, longtime male friends, some of whom I met through work, but if I were together with them throughout the working day, I’d be highly unlikely to talk to them on the phone or socialise regularly either them, as I’d already be seeing a lot of them.

Or point out to your wife that you’re unattractive so that, even if you were to throw yourself at your friend, she’d say ‘Ugh, no!’?

You can’t make her feel better about something she sees you doing that’s damaging your marriage.

Can your friend and your wife not meet up so she can see it’s 100% platonic? If you are keeping them completely separate from each other then I can see why your wife would be insecure about you becoming too close to this friend

Why do you feel the need to see/speak to this woman outside of work?

You are emotionally involved with your friend.

Would you honestly say about one of your male friends “he has become very dear to me?”

No, you would not.

Invest your energy in your marriage and end the emotional affair. It’s inappropriate and very unkind.

“She gets irrationally upset.”

God that’s a red flag to me.

Nothing irrational about her response.

You say the friendship ‘stays in the friendship zone’. However if you were more honest you would also mention what your feelings are about this women. If you weren’t attracted to her I suspect you would have said so. It puts a different spin on it doesn’t it? ‘I have a female friend that I see every day at work and spend time with socially and chat on the phone with when I am at home and we talk about everything and she’s really attractive but I would never act on it’. I am wondering if the purpose of your post is to try and prove to your wife that she is being unreasonable. She isn’t - but you are.

So you've been with your wife a long time, you love her and jealousy has never been an issue before. The fact that this is out of character for your wife, suggests something feels ‘different’ to her regards this friendship. It's not sitting right with her.

Now perhaps it's nothing and her gut is wrong, but perhaps she knows you well and has for many years and can see something different in you with this friendship.

You might protest and think she's being unreasonable because it's ‘just’ a friendship, but even if that's true and she's being unreasonable, I think showing some grace, when she's generally and not typically unreasonable, is what’s needed.

I'm not jealous as a rule, but many years ago my husband had a female boss and I joined them on a night out. I had this overwhelming gut instinct that she was attracted to my husband and I felt threatened and jealous. I told my husband, he said he didn't think that was the case, but because it upset me, he said he wouldn't go on any more work nights out. That was that. Maybe I was being ‘crazy’ but I so appreciated my husband treating me like I wasn't.

That in the ONLY time in our whole marriage I've felt that way. I think we should all be allowed a pass for one-off gut feelings.

If it's ‘just’ a friendship (and a relatively new one at that), your wife’s feelings should easily be the priority and either distracting or ending the friendship shouldn't be too much of a thing.

If it's a work friendship, keep it at work.
No calls, texts or WhatsApp outside of the official work channels and work hours, and only then on work topics.
Perfectly possible to have a work friendship that is just kept at work - the minute it's outside of work it's strayed.

"Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone....Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?"

This is your problem. You're telling yourself that your wife needs to adjust to the situation. You need to recognise that another woman is taking a place in your life that your wife used to.

Surely you don't lack that much self awareness. By introducing a new woman to your life you are going to severally destroy your marriage. Listen to your wife, I wouldn't be putting up with this. You have a choice to make.

#teamyourwife

In my opinion its difficult for a “new” friend to become a “very dear” one be so quickly.

you are prioritising a new friendship over your marriage. At least admit to yourself that’s what you’re doing

Your wife’s uncomfortable with your friendship with this woman .FGS listen to her.

Trust your wife's gut, I bet she knows you better than you know yourself. Put your wife's feelings first, if she isn't your priority here then there really is a problem.

I'm assuming your post is a wind up.

Of course your " new friendship" is inappropriate for a man who took wedding vows and whose primary relationship is supposed to be his wife, his life partner.
Everything you describe about yout " new friendship" is how new bf/ gf relationships begin.
If you are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship of course your wife isnt happy about you having a new girlfriend. As you well know.

A new friend that is 'very dear' to you and 'a part of your life?' Of course that has upset your wife as its a change in your behaviour. If this woman is a work colleague keep it that way, don't chat or text outside work or meet up, there's no need. Let me guess, she's younger and attractive...? Your poor wife, you sound entirely lacking in any kind of self awareness.

End the friendship, if you care about your marriage more than this woman. Why is a new friend taking precedent over your actual wife?