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Original poster

AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

266 replies

Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 22:51

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 12/09/2025 22:56

I’ll say this gently but it sounds very much that you are expecting your husband to do exactly what you want and that is the only solution. Is there any room to compromise in here?

2024onwardsandup · 12/09/2025 22:59

He sounds awful. Start making a plan for supporting yourself and your children

Lighteningstrikes · 12/09/2025 23:28

Your H is a ridiculous and selfish man.

Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 23:34

FuzzyWolf · 12/09/2025 22:56

I’ll say this gently but it sounds very much that you are expecting your husband to do exactly what you want and that is the only solution. Is there any room to compromise in here?

Simply not true it's been good enough for 6 years whilst I've paid for the majority maybe I didn't make that clear. I don't see why I should move our daughter so far away and from her new school that I do all the drop offs he has very little involvement. I probably should have added instinct says he's using me wants my equity to put into what he wants. I begged him not to buy a sports car that we couldn't afford. I would most definitely move if it was near to Childs school and in budget but after 6 months of looking I'm losing all hope. I honestly feel if he cared about our daughters best interests he would not have bought that car at 30k knowing we needed a home! So that's why we're limited to shared ownership and that's only on new builds which I'll add he loves and I hate. Surely your child's needs should trump going overboard financially on property and cars...

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 12/09/2025 23:34

Your husband is a controlling dick.

Better to be broke but free than live a second longer with someone who is deliberately sabotaging your life.

DorothyStorm · 12/09/2025 23:45

Your husband has happily lived there, with you paying the mortgage, right until your ex needs to be bought out. And now he doesn't want to live there. And knowing that point was coming he took out a car loan so he cannot afford as much. And he wants to out you all in a worse financial situation in an inferior house. No. Just no.

what did you gain from marriage to him?

Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 23:47

2024onwardsandup · 12/09/2025 22:59

He sounds awful. Start making a plan for supporting yourself and your children

Might have to sell my soul how do singles afford these high rents and mortgage. I don't think I would get any benefits I'm on the boarder which is worse in a way as everything is payable and left with little 😭 husband also has 0 patience for our daughter I mean 0 too busy on his phone it's sad he falls asleep watching her too I've never been able to leave her with him for more than nipping to shop so it kind of makes it harder to separate he won't look after her she's full on too can unlock doors etc needs full supervision. So separation concerns me because he's so lapse even on roads doesn't hold her hand it scares the shit out of me I feel so stuck and lost. I'm even considering moving in with mum but with her health I'm worried it will be too much for her to cope noise wise etc mum wants me to she detests my husband I mean my whole family think he's a waste of space to be honest. I now realise I had a very stable life before and my ex is a really good dad to our kids. But the one good thing is our daughter I really do just want the best for her there's been a lot with my older 2 moving to uni also lots of changes for a little one.

OP posts:
Rayqueen · 12/09/2025 23:48

Sorry but also on the side you want it your way and if your divorcing it can't be just your way

Ubugly · 12/09/2025 23:50

Is your husband going to be entitled to part of the house if you divorce?

I wouldn't be moving out of the area.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2025 23:54

Sounds like you’d rather be with your ex.

Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 23:54

Rayqueen · 12/09/2025 23:48

Sorry but also on the side you want it your way and if your divorcing it can't be just your way

Why was it ok for him to live here with us for 6 years while I paid 80% on lower income than him but now he has to buy in it's not good enough? It's not about my way it's most definitely about his way I've clarified a bit further in other comments. He bought an expensive car so we're not able to get a full mortgage he knew this would affect affordability yet still did it. So that then means we're limited to shared ownership new builds out of our child's school area. We can't afford anything else this house were in has been offered at 50% less than market value so we can buy it. My mum needs me too she's not well and 5 mins away also. I don't think the house were in us my dream either it's just what's suitable at the moment until he pays off that flipping car then we can afford something we both choose

OP posts:
Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 23:55

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2025 23:54

Sounds like you’d rather be with your ex.

I'll be honest my ex is decent were friends that's all I care and respect him he's a good person and a good dad

OP posts:
Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 23:58

Ubugly · 12/09/2025 23:50

Is your husband going to be entitled to part of the house if you divorce?

I wouldn't be moving out of the area.

No because he's contributed 0 to the house and the house is my ex and mine it's court order prior to me meeting new husband. When I say 0 I mean he's paid for his own food he earns 20% more than me barely contributed. He won't do it anyway I don't think because he has good pensions and knows if he tries that I'll go for his pensions I would never but if he did that I would because I've had this house since 2001

OP posts:
Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 00:00

To add my husband has a mindset of what's his is his and my kids are not his which is why I've been paying about 80% of all bills food and all of the mortgage.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 13/09/2025 00:01

Cut him loose and hope marrying him hasn’t cost you too much

outerspacepotato · 13/09/2025 00:03

Your new husband wants what he wants when he wants it and you're supposed to go along.

He sounds like an asshole and possibly financially thoughtless.

You downgraded.

Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 00:06

DorothyStorm · 12/09/2025 23:45

Your husband has happily lived there, with you paying the mortgage, right until your ex needs to be bought out. And now he doesn't want to live there. And knowing that point was coming he took out a car loan so he cannot afford as much. And he wants to out you all in a worse financial situation in an inferior house. No. Just no.

what did you gain from marriage to him?

I gained only our little girl and that's the only good. He is a complete selfish dick I've not said everything but he really is. Oh and he is always right no matter what which is why he won't even consider buying out my ex husband. Because he's right I'm wrong not bothered about anything else. It's sad I really loved him but I now feel any decent person would want security and stability for the family not all this stress and yes buying a car knowing it would impact his affordability. He's really a freeloader in a way I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 00:08

Tiswa · 13/09/2025 00:01

Cut him loose and hope marrying him hasn’t cost you too much

It's learnt me a hard lesson, love is not enough. Giving too much has cost me a lot but I feel it will make me stronger. Money is nothing is it but I just need to do what's best for the kids

OP posts:
LemonTT · 13/09/2025 00:10

I think there are some basic facts you need to accept. You can’t afford the house without his cooperation and you haven’t got it. You could never afford the house without him or your ex.

Unless you find a way to come up with the money on your own it will need to be sold. I don’t think your marriage is going to work out. He is already checking out.

It is time to consider your own options for where you shall live without him.

Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 00:19

LemonTT · 13/09/2025 00:10

I think there are some basic facts you need to accept. You can’t afford the house without his cooperation and you haven’t got it. You could never afford the house without him or your ex.

Unless you find a way to come up with the money on your own it will need to be sold. I don’t think your marriage is going to work out. He is already checking out.

It is time to consider your own options for where you shall live without him.

He wants my equity and appearance is everything to him his car his daughter he's the best daddy in public you get the picture he needs me financially he's taken me for a ride. I have a little hope nursery fees have stopped so I have more money so I'm applying as the house may be affordable it's certainly more affordable than rentals or other property in the area as ex is selling to my e at less than market value so I have applied to a specialist broker. Fingers crossed. I have also applied for the shared ownership as a lady resort but it's a last resirt. The house isn't perfect but it's a home for now is all I'm saying not necessarily forever. He cannot get a property on his own he's tried so I know he's using me but I don't want him having unsupervised contact so that's my main issue I've explained this in another comment. But yes I accept this nay not work but have to try.

OP posts:
DrBlackbird · 13/09/2025 00:24

shared ownership

Don’t go down this route without thoroughly researching options. Many people have been caught out by the appeal only to find the rent on the HA share goes up beyond inflation every year. My SiL now really struggles to pay the rent but can’t afford to buy the rest out and can only sell to someone else who meets the criteria etc.

Walkden · 13/09/2025 00:25

"Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build"

I know a few couples who have lived in the home their partner bought with an ex. Usually ends up buying a house without all the baggage/history from the ex. Sometimes the new wife wants a clean slate and sometimes the new husband.

As it is it probably feels like your house you allow him to live in but not a home.

CaroleLandis · 13/09/2025 00:32

Any chance you could dump your horrible husband and rubbish father and get back with your ex?

Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 00:35

DrBlackbird · 13/09/2025 00:24

shared ownership

Don’t go down this route without thoroughly researching options. Many people have been caught out by the appeal only to find the rent on the HA share goes up beyond inflation every year. My SiL now really struggles to pay the rent but can’t afford to buy the rest out and can only sell to someone else who meets the criteria etc.

Yes this does concern me the affordability assessment is harsh for this reason then they seem to want you to have an awful lot available. I do worry about rent and service charge going up plus my friend is struggling to sell one due to the lease although I'm not sure as to why that is. They are charging her a huge fee not sure if it's early exit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 00:39

Walkden · 13/09/2025 00:25

"Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build"

I know a few couples who have lived in the home their partner bought with an ex. Usually ends up buying a house without all the baggage/history from the ex. Sometimes the new wife wants a clean slate and sometimes the new husband.

As it is it probably feels like your house you allow him to live in but not a home.

I agree and understand it's more financial reasons to stay and local to daughter school more than anything. Yes it's my house he barely contributes to anything I pay mortgage and 80% of everything yet earn less because my kids in his words are not his responsibility! They are students 2 are moving to uni now but help and work PT but little income. It would be his house if he bought in and paid his fair share..

OP posts: