AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

I know like I said I lived in hope I was madly in love with him. I have asked him to leave after he told our daughter to piss off yesterday I just realised what a piece of 💩 he really is. He swears constantly too I'm scared to leave her alone with him even for a few minutes because he doesn't supervise her properly and she says he hurts her there has been a few times I think he's too rough also. He's now gone so time to start the ball rolling getting my dicks in a row just had enough and to add he never declared one of his pensions in his last divorce which was a legal document on his declaration so I've warned him if he attempts to get any equity I have evidence of this. My ex husband has said something about putting into kids banes so trying to work it out I may also have chance to buy him out still just waiting on broker. If not I'm going to live with my mum and hopefully help her and get back on our feet I could get a better paid job but I'd then have to work in the city and travel I currently work from home which means flexibility with little one

getting my dicks in a row

😂 Sorry @Isamummy2021 that's a typo and a half!

What do you mean "he's now gone"?
As in, you've asked him to leave and he's actually gone gone?
It breaks my heart to think a father could talk to/treat his own child using language like that.
That would drive me to divorce instantly.
It sounds like you've got some kind of plan in action.

Hi thank you that was my thinking no current husband is not on the deeds but he may still make a claim based on cohabitation. But I'm aware of pension he hasn't declared in last divorce I have documents too so basically he can get into trouble for contempt because he's lied on his declaration firms to court he knows I know too. So I really doubt he will run the risk.

Yes he's gone running to mummy. I took the dog out for a wee he'd only been home 5 mins little one not feeling great he's literally got her hysterical in the 5 mins I was outside the house with dog! I asked her what happened she said daddy hurt me he said he didn't so I just said after the way you spoke to her yesterday and this I want you to leave so he said happily and did. He tried to say he told her to piss off as she was pinching his tea he had a take away we did but something else can you believe that I'd give my last breath there's been so much really like after I delivered her at home the midwives were worried about my leg being swollen so sent me fir scan he was in a right temper with me saying there's nothing wrong with you I'm tired I'm hungry bla bla I should have known but he can put on the sweetness like nothing else I know he will twist it and lie to his family I hate to think. He also decided to work away for a year when she was born no agreement just did it and he didn't have to a bit like massive financial decisions he makes such as the car he's completely unreal we deserve better I was clinging to hope I didn't want another failed marriage but I'm not putting up with this my daughter deserves better.

Hopefully no more dicks haha sorry I struggle typing on my phone it's small and my sight isn't great on screens

Make sure you report that he has repeatedly hurt your daughter and sworn at her and you have asked him to leave as he isnt safe to be around her.

Gah, be careful OP! He sounds like he’s isolating you from your family, what you want and not thinking about your financial position! You’ll be so badly off and stuck if you do his plan, is that what he wants for you? Because it’s unbelievably stupid financially on paper! He’s looking a gift horse in the mouth why?! You can always buy somewhere together later. Absolutely try to buy it yourself. He sounds too dodgy to be sharing finances with

Oops think I’m a bit behind. He’s totally abusive

Your husband has clearly checked out of the marriage

You need legal advice

What about DIY shared ownership

Might that allow you to remain in the house

Agreed. Mumsnetters are often wildly optimistic about the 'half of everything' being granted by a marriage certificate.

An adjudicator will look at what each brought into the marriage - in this case, half a house versus nothing - and what each contributed to the family - in this case, 80% of the bills and all the childcare versus as little as he could get away with. He doesn't parent the kids, he has not facilitated a higher-earning career for OP, he 'deprived' them of money for a deposit by buying his car.

Unless he's created beneficial interest in the home by installing new bathrooms/kitchen, building an extension or something, he's demonstrated no value to the family finances or the kids' stability. Quite the opposite in fact. He's been behaving as a tenant, so he's entitled to as much as a lodger would be after notice to quit.

He could fight it just to impoverish OP, but it would cost money he doesn't appear to have. No solicitor would take this on as pay-when-you-win.

You need to be efficient, @Isamummy2021. Find your determination!

I'm afraid this is wrong. As they have cohabited for 6 years, that counts as a long marriage. Following White v White, that means the starting point for a split is 50/50. What they each brought into the marriage is unlikely to enter into it at all. He does not need to have established a beneficial interest into the home. Simply being married gives him a beneficial interest. Contributions to the family may be a factor, but rank behind the relative incomes of the parties and their financial needs.

I agree the starting point is 50/50.
Relative incomes - He earns more than she does.
Financial needs - Older children and a four-year-old, no childcare assistance.
A guy who spends £30k on a car for himself is not usually considered financially needy.

@Isamummy2021, have you got in touch with the solicitor who acted for you in your first divorce?

This is 💯 what I haven't been able to put into words. My family are worried sick about us and my brother be er gets involved actually said to me the other day sis don't you think you deserve better than him. 😭 It's not happening anyway I've ended it with him and I plan to book an appointment with solicitors next week.

No I'm thinking of trying her next week.

30k is financed not bought outright.

So he didn't even have any money to put towards a deposit? What does he do with his income?

Thank you I have and as I mentioned earlier I told him I have evidence of him hiding a pension during his previous divorce financial settlement that he should have declared so I'm using it as leverage leave me and our equity alone and I'll leave that, he can be found in contempt of court because he's lied on legal documents. I don't want pensions but I'm going to stop him taking my hard earned equity since me and ex owned since 2001! He's been around 6 years and I've never been more disadvantaged. The car he bought hindered affordability it is finance so his outgoings are too high to get a mortgage or full mortgage which is one of the reasons he wanted to look at shared ownership.

It sounds as if your family are a supportive bunch and want you to be rid of him asap so that's a boost for you to push in that direction.

Do you know what he actually spends "his" money on in all these years?
Not contributing fairly to the family finances, not paying towards his child's nursery fees, and not even being able to buy a car but on finance?
All of these flag up as signs that he's got hidden debt of some sort?

Whatever. Please arrange to see your solicitor as first available opportunity and start planning a future for you and your family without a drain involved.

Gambling I think metro for shared ownership mentioned it on a call. When I googled it it has to be 20% of your income for them to take issue with it. He pays car. He pays his older daughter maintenance. Credit card bills he did use for holiday previously. Rest he keeps up until my daughter last birthday I bought every present for her this time I told him he needed to buy it because I've bought all of them he did but he wasn't too pleased! Then he broke the gift electric car by crashing it being silly I think because he can't be bothered taking her out on it because I got it repaired then he did it again so I said I didn't want him taking her full speed crashing it and I know he did it on purpose so I would do it all like I do everything else.

Well, you are lucky he bought the car otherwise he would have been in your life for ever once you had bought a property together.

Sometimes things happen for the best.

Yes that's a good way of looking at it. It's going to be hard we had an amazing wedding abroad I was so in love with him but I have given everything and I am not tolerating his behaviour anymore my child deserves better and I'm going to show her what it is to be a strong woman. One way or another things will sort themselves it's been really difficult full time working house for sale new school it's stressful. Juggling school with it all. Life is tough and I never ever thought I'd be starting over yet again. 😭 But hopefully it will all work out in the end x

Based on their ages now, not sure if they were that young when OP split up with her first husband? At any rate it sounds like the kids had a good active involved father who made sure they had stable housing.

I’d have thought co-parenting with someone like that would’ve been very different than the situation facing some single parents who are truly doing it on their own with absent exes.

Yeah sounds wise - moving men in is rarely the answer. In this case it certainly wasn’t. She has massively disadvantaged herself and her family.

And more generally I think it’s good for people to remember even if you are lonely or bored or whatever - you can date without moving them in or having their children. Doing these things can have massive financial, social and emotional ramifications for your life and those of your previous children. People need to really think carefully about it.

Unfortunately innocent kids are also reaping what the mothers/father sow in situations like this. It happens so often on here and I can’t get my head around it. I wish parents wouldn’t be so quick to move on and start “new families”

To be blunt he probably doesn’t like her.

Men will exploit women and be getting a good deal but still treat them with contempt because ultimately they are with that woman purely for convenience and many struggle to hide their true feelings of disdain.

Men like that often don’t like any woman to be fair outside of using them for sex, social status and financial convenience. So his behaviour is actually very common and predictable.

It’s why women are increasingly finding being “nice” to men doesn’t necessarily guarantee them good behaviour or treatment in return.