AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

Go see a solicitor, see if your ex will delay buying him out until you 'settle' the financial aspects of a divorce with your current husband. See if your mum ( I know this is a big ask) can assist you with buying out your ex. Your husband sounds very selfish, the final straw with my ex was when he compromised my ability to keep a roof over my child's head. Viewing it as one big picture is overwhelming. So break it down and do your research, take a few days off work to get this done. I think ultimately if your current is reliant on your equitity in the property to move and buy the shared ownership then there's your answer. Can you afford a smaller property in the area you live in alone? If all else fails, I feel for you xx

Do not commit to anything else with your DH until you have decided you want to stay with him long term. (otherwise this will just be a repeat of the questions you are asking yourself ‘why did I marry him’ ‘why did I have a child with him’ and the new one ‘why did I buy a house with him).

You need some objectivity once you have decided. What are the steps, financial and legal dealings to divorce?

Like all of us, you will have to accept the legal and financial implications, just as your DH will have to.

That's correct. Basically it's a financial and social reasons to stay for daughter. So if we buy this at less market value then mortgage cost will be about 600 pcm. Shared ownership would be 700 mortgage plus rent of 200 ISH and service charges rentals are over 1400 pcm. To me it's a no brainer even if it's for a few years whilst we were to save . It's been good enough for him whilst I've paid majority I'm sorry but I believe he is extremely selfish and a user needing my equity as deposit.

Her ex has thrown her an absolute solid for years already. This would mess him around and not change the situation. It should take days for her to establish if she can get a mortgage. If not it goes on the market and he gets his share. Her problem isn’t his and her shouldn’t pay for the OPs bad choice.

Could your mum move in with you?

I guess because life's not black and white, and being a single parent can be lonely and isolating, especially when the kids are young.

Having said that though, there's no way I'd be moving a man into my house. I do have fleeting moments of thinking it would be nice to have a partner to share my life with, but then I come on here and remember what dicks blokes are, and im good 😂

Why are you with him if hes selfish, pays only for him not your 2 older children, would pay 30k for a sports car when he needs to contribute to a mortgage. You said for 6 years you paid 80% of the household costs. Why not 50/50. He sounds insufferable you would be better off alone. If you can afford your house by yourself get that mortgage do not go into rented accommodation as I take it your in your 50s you will never get on the property ladder again and you dont want to be in rented when your a pensioner. He's so selfish he would rather go into rental and have a sports car. Did you rush into the relationship with your new husband?

At 600pm it sounds very doable 🙏I don't know what you earn, but have you put you details into a benefits calculator to check your entitlement. Do you still get some maintenance from your ex??

Honestly, get good financial advice re. divorcing your current H and THEN buy the house. Is his car purchased outright, as if on HP you are jointly liable for that and any other debt he may have.

Re. him always needing to be right etc, then let him think he his - make out that you want / believe the opposite of what you really want if he'll always oppose you.

Do NOT buy with your current H - no need, you can do this on your own 🙌

Divorce the scrote before you buy, otherwise he will force the sale and get half

OP you obviously have a lot of things to consider here. From reading the previous posts you have got some really helpful advice but you really need to consider all your options.
Are any of your older children working? Are they paying keep? Moving house right now does not help your situation because of your mum, DDs school, work and you need to work with these in mind.
As already pointed out a new mortgage on the longest terms possible would help in the interim here - you can always overpay at a later date. If your DH is insistent on moving then you do so only on the terms that he matches your equity input. So for example if you put in 50K he puts in 50K - if he can't match it then the move isn't happening and don't budge on that point.
To a certain degree he is being financially abusive but given that you have other children that muddies the waters a bit as he has obviously never considered them as part of his family.
Going for shared ownership is a nightmare so don't go there - where he wants you to move to is out of your budget and if you can only buy a new build in this way then he can't afford it either!
On a more serious note (temporarily) have you made a will - if not - get one pronto and leave your house to your children as otherwise he would automatically inherit your house.
Back to the money side of things you seem to be managing pretty well with your input so would his pathetic contribution really make a huge amount of difference if you didn't have it? You say you have a large amount of equity could you draw on this to buy out your exDH? You have a lot to consider and talking to a mortgage broker should be the first step to see what they can procure for you. As for DH - get rid!

Follow your gut. He is looking after himself here. Dont give up in doing this hourself. I was refused at the first stage to put the mortgage in my name alone, but then I managed to get to speak to somebody else and it was agreed to!

Sorry, I’d the shared ownership if you bought a new house together with your current husband?

So more than if you bought put your ex and paid a straightforward mortgage?

Hoe much do you pay In mortgage currently?

Well you current husband is abusive, to you and the child you have together. He has deliberately bought a £30k car to either force your hand on moving or because he wants to end the relationship but doesn't have the guts to do it. See a solicitor about divorce and speak to a mortgage broker about what you can afford on your own.

That's actually a really good idea thank you not sure how I could figure room space I suppose I could share with my daughter again.

I would move in with your mum and divorce this selfish idiot.

He doesn't care about you or your child.

It's around 400 pcm had the house since 2001 remortgage for home improvement in 2009.

Husband no2 needs to go. Quickly. And yes, get a lodger!

You should not do shared ownership unless you are absolutely desperate.

As you are married, the fact he hasn't contributed to the house is irrelevant. You are a joint owner of the house, and it is the marital home. He therefore has a claim against your portion of the property. That doesn't necessarily mean he will get any of it. The fact he is the higher earner and has good pensions may mean he wouldn't be entitled to any of the equity in the house, but you need proper legal advice if you are contemplating divorce.

It's most definitely to force my hand he needs the deposit he doesn't have one. And we need somewhere to live. He is very much about looking good to outsiders to him a new build fancy car wife and daughter look good but he is only focused on himself at home and his phone.

I'm considering this but I'm worried for my mum it's a lot for her having us all live with her.

It's mine and ex husband property he won't because he knows I know about all his pensions although I'd never want to he knows I'll go for them if he tries his ex took 50% of them which honestly drove him to insanity he absolutely hated her for it.

Definitely divorce this horrible subpar specimen. And engage a forensic accountant. Your dd won't miss him as he has no part of her life as it is.

Definitely dump the H.
Don't do shared ownership.
If you really can't afford your current house, it sounds like you'd still be able to afford something smaller and do a bit of juggling when the older ones are home from uni. That would be better than staying with H or buying shared ownership which is a can of worms.

See a solicitor next week. Protect what you can. Plan to divorce.

and tbh, obviously this is risky, but with his attitude I would not argue over child contact. Because I honestly think he will only want it of it hurts you. He isnt interested in parenting. Use that to your advantage.