AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

I believe he's a bit narcissistic to be honest I think that's why I have struggled so much. He has 0 patience for our child lives on his phone. Doesn't care about my feelings he literally decided in the middle of a walk one day that he was going home we were trying to be alone together and he just wanted to go off and watch his horse racing he ended up going to his mums for the night and never communicate this. Maybe he's having an affair..Sadly I think he's a gambling addict he has a very addictive personality the phone is never out of his hand. I can 100% guarantee that he will be out today he has a family event we were all supposed to go to I guarantee he's not told them about us or least not the truth he will 100% blame me and spend the day showing off his car. Ignoring his older daughter who's over from abroad. He's just completely selfish and unfortunately puts himself above anything or anyone including his children. He was desperate for a family with me he blamed his ex wife saying he had been kept out of older daughters younger years I know that's BS she couldn't leave her with him same as me she had an affair and married affair partner but was having the affair 4 years until child was 8 before leaving him. I think it's so she had a voice when visiting him. The big break in all this got really bad a few months ago when I put the house up for sale because he wouldn't help me buy the home we have been living in for 6 years and since can't find a rental or other full mortgage. He doesn't possibly love us enough or at all he just wants a wife and child to show off nothing more. I'm a fair bit younger than him and kept myself in good shape and I was potty about him. I honestly think having our little girl was when he changed but I was going to get him to leave when she was a few months when he came back from working away he took me away and proposed. Who knows I think he loved me once but can't help putting himself first. I know I have to show my daughter she deserves better than this or it's all she'll grow up to expect nothing better. Thanks everyone you have helped me see I'm going to have to be strong and get on with our lives without this man child.

Make sure you leverage this for full custody too and supervised contacts.

personally I’d go after everything but understand why you wouldn’t with DDs custody at play.

interested to know how much involvement he has in his older DDs life.

He doesn't possibly love us enough or at all he just wants a wife and child to show off nothing more

Unfortunately I don’t think men like this are capable of true love. They are extremely selfish as you point out and that’s incompatible with being a good spouse and parent.

He probably loved what you provided him - cheap/free accommodation and overall low living costs. And as you say maybe he liked the social status of being a husband and possibly he viewed having a child as something to trap you into tolerating him.

But loving you - or his ex for that matter - as a person is another thing.

I have to show my daughter she deserves better than this or it's all she'll grow up to expect nothing better. Thanks everyone you have helped me see I'm going to have to be strong and get on with our lives without this man child

Good luck with that, OP. Yes teach all your children they deserve better.

this is so sad, but true. My dad not a saint, but as a father tried to make sure I get a decent man. He told me when I was teen that my future husband needs to love me more than I love him. Obviously I hardly understood the logic, but now , especially on mn and from my own marriage which is a working one , I do

Sadly I think that was my ex husband and I should not have let that fizzle out. But I had a lesson to learn here and my daughter is the goddess from it all x

He told me when I was teen that my future husband needs to love me more than I love him.

Solid advice. I never understood it the first time I heard it too (from a friends mum) but I get it now.

Not much really she now lives abroad we used to have her every other weekend at first he seemed to have a good relationship with her but over time I can see the crack's he's just not interested and critical of her. she's over at the moment staying at her nans. He bribes her really with money to get her to vend to his will,, when her mum moved her abroad he stopped paying maintenance and sent money to daughter's account directly less money but too much for an immature teen but now he is basically saying to her if she doesn't get a job he's not giving her money anymore if she doesn't get a job I disagreed with all this I see maintenance as supporting the child's living clothing etc his daughter has been spending the money on McDonald's sweets Starbucks etc. Also she's supposed to be starting college so I said to him really he should pay working or not if she's in FT education. Her mum tried child maintenance but the country she's in she can't enforce it.

He is controlling. He is still controlling his ex by maintenance and he is controlling you.

who paid for your wedding?

Both paid for wedding it was part of the holiday we had abroad it was just us and the children which in a way I thought it really meant something to me it did, it was small intimate then we had a party at home with family and friends. To me it was everything I really thought we had worked things out together by the time we got married things seemed really good I was so happy just a week shy of our 2nd wedding anniversary and I'm in this position it's heartbreaking really but I know I'm doing the right thing.

Completely agree but it's easy when your treated like a queen in the beginning and everything seems good you fall madly in love. Everything felt right no real red flags and I knew him when I was a teenager it felt as though we were meant to be we crossed paths years on. My older kids have been lucky they have a great dad as have I with a good ex husband in that we have co patented well and he's really done his best by us not many men like that and I have learnt the hard way but as I've said the one thing we all adore is our youngest imy older kids absolutely love her to bits. They have been amazing with her.

affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest.

I had made my mind up here - divorce this fucking imbecile or be forced to live with idiotic and incredibly poor financial decisions for the rest of your life. There is nothing in those ideas that make any sense what so ever. Have you read the horror stories of people trapped in shared ownership with rental part going through the roof? Add to that, new builds... so part of the estate is "affordable" read as influx of people less (likely) invested in the area/house (peasants as I would term them) Do not do this.

In addition to the even more important aspect, your child and her education/happiness. What an utter clown.

Thank you I agree. I don't know enough about shared ownership I did feel very wary as affordability has to be really good better than normal for the increases but I thought there would be a cap. My 4 year old is already going through a lot starting school eldests kids are moving out to uni parents at odds horrible father and now potentially no home but he has his fancy car! I have applied for the mortgage I need and have actually been accepted due to the house value to market value sale price my ex husband has agreed it's been Agreed in principle but the broker is confident so fingers crossed we may be able to remain it will be my home and the equity will be tied up in sure after 20 years he may just give it up. The court looks at the needs and best interests of the child and in my opinion him buying the car and his behaviour about housing is not prioritising his child that's clear so I presume the court will allow me to remain until my child is of age plus I have the fact he kept a pension hidden in his last financial settlement with ex wife I have the documents here and it's worth 200k or was in 2020 so he's lied to the court.

Yes some men do the love bombing thing so well.

Well it’s good your other kids have a decent father at least.

I just hope the youngest doesn’t feel hard done by when she’s older and she notices she’s the only one with the crap father.

But that’s great the kids all adore her and will hopefully always spoil her!

The mortgage on this will be just over 500 pcm affordable alone. I can't afford rents alone they are over 1400 for a 3 bed. I think my husband was extremely selfish limiting our options to shared ownership when he bought his 30k car that I begged him not to buy it killed affordability on a new home unless shared ownership this house has been offered at less than market value to me so it's financially a good option even if for a few years . We've had a really tough year daughter starting school kids moving out for uni a move of house all this impacts young children and it's her I'm concerned about her behaviour has been very challenging too. My husband is not a great husband or dad things have been really difficult. He's lived here at 20% until the time came to buy ex out that's when he became a prick and bought the car and I believe in order to prevent us buying anything other than shared ownership which are new builds he's been looking at he loves them I don't I wouldn't mind if they were closer to the school etc. I'm sorry but I'm about putting my child's needs first he clearly is not

Well done on potentially securing a mortgage to keep you in your home and for tying up the equity, hopefully if you proceed with the divorce it will be taken into consideration that he paid nothing towards the mortgage and is not on the new mortgage nor the deeds of the house and they will leave alone in the financial side of things.

If he doesn't have enough money to rent he will just have to sleep in his bijou 30 grand car lol I can send you the link for car mattresses 😂which you can send to him.

Hope everything works out for you

Op, forget about his bloody car. It’s a gift , seriously, as it means you cannot jump into a mortgage with the waste of space. You have ti work it out wihtout him, good luck to him with that car being his only asset and having to make payments on it.