AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

To move things along could you get some advice from the CAB and a solicitor regarding the house (because I worry your current husband will have a claim on your asset), and an assessment to find out just how much income you’ll have once you’re separated? At least you’ll know exactly where you stand then.

Does your ex-husband definitely want to be bought out or would he be happy to receive rent for a while longer on this half?

I can understand your fears about your daughter relying on her father to look after her once you’re separated but I’d worry about that when it happens.

@Isamummy2021 okay so the house is protected then. Just tell him he’s dumped and to go to his mums? Keep on with your life explain you’ve dumped the idiot to your ex and I’m sure he’ll give you more time to get the money together. Also, you can rent a room to someone nice, it’ll be okay.

Just dump the idiot.

You’ve had 6 years to figure out that one! You could ask “why did I decide to have a child with this man”?
You made the choice to move him in with you, to marry him and to have a child with him.

Divorce H2 (husband 2)
Sell property
Split proceeds with H1 (husband 1).
Buy new (potentially smaller) place with your share of the proceeds.
You will adapt
Your DC will adapt.

Your husband wants a fresh start and doesnt want to keep living in the house. It's quite a reasonable stand for him to take. But you want it all your way and there is no room for compromise on your part. I don't know what the answer is but renting and shared ownership of a different house don't seem very wise choices in your circumstances. But it's unacceptable that he is contributing virtually nothing to the expenses of running the house.

This is why a clean break on divorce is preferred these days. It’s hard to sell your family home but a lot of people can’t afford to keep it.

I had to sell up with two small children when I divorced and downsize to a tiny house which exh scoffed at but it worked out fine, the children adapted and I could afford it.

I would get legal advice on the house and also your position if you divorced your current husband. I think you could move to your mum’s even temporarily or like pps suggested could it work if she moved in with you? Also can you arrange something with exh to help you stay?

You might need to change your mindset on the house and the school/area for your daughter who is only four. It’s not like you are moving her in the middle of GCSEs. Look at it as a fresh start. If you can’t keep the house or it will be too hard financially then let it go.

I'm actually surprised your original divorce agreement was silent on the process to follow following a partner moving in / remarriage.
OP, what was your future plan for housing if you hadn't have met/married your new husband?
He should obviously contribute to your joint DD but it is not necessary for him to contribute to your previous children. You obviously agreed an 80:20 split at some point. Was this before DD and if so, why didn't you review it 4 years ago?
I suspect he would have a claim on your house if you were to divorce, but equally you would have a claim on his pension. You need good legal advice. He must have maxed out his pension if he has no personal savings to finance his new car.
You are trying to hold on to your FMH and you just can't afford it. You are lashing out at DH because he won't do what YOU want and you risk giving him equity from your FMH. I wouldn't buy a new build either but there has to be a compromise. Your DD is 4. She'll get used to a new school/friendship group quickly. Children move school all the time.

The reason he bought the expensive car is that he likes it and other people are impressed by it. Since you're married, he gets a claim on the home as well, so he's having his cake and eating it.

Stop thinking that 'if only he would see sense', everything would be fine. He doesn't want to have a rubbish car and pay more towards household expenses, when you've been covering them this long.

Don't buy a new property with him. A lodger might bring in some money. Talk to your former husband - he might have some ideas. Talk to your mother.

'Brink of divorce' is not a disaster compared with some alternatives, so think of your children's financial futures and start doing what you need to do. Divorce is probably the best option now. Move forward.

You'll be fine. Good luck.

You ex sounds very reasonable. I am not sure about the legal side of this idea but would he buy you out and then rent the house back to you?(at a reasonable rent) or and put the house in trust for both you older kids and rent it to you?
I would split from current husband and get that all sorted first, it sounds like he brings nothing to your life. Let him take his stupid car and go back to his Mums 👋.
We all make mistakes, but astute ppl rectify sooner rather than later.
Being on your own will bring joy back to your life.💕

I had one like this. All he cared about was how things looked to others. So he's be out acting like the big man but turning the heating off in winter if he wasn't at home and we were.

He wants you to do shared ownership because it's a new build, he wants you to rent because you could get a grander looking house that people will think you own. He's had it all his way so far, just paying for his food like a dependent adult child.

You need to sort out your finances and seek legal advice.

the house has never been his in his position I wouldn’t be buying into it
the compromise is u buy another house in your current area

nether of you seem to be prepared to compromise

Apart from the house situation he sounds like a crap husband and father so I wouldn’t lose my home to stay with him.
I think you should buy the ex husband out alone, he sounds like he’ll give you a decent price. If he is mortgage free he may even offer to be your guarantor. See if Barclays can get you a friends and family support mortgage if your parents have cash. Move your daughter into your bedroom with you and rent out the third bedroom to a nice lodger (thinking nurse, teacher, young student etc) and get your soon to be ex to pay child maintenance once he leaves.

divorce him BEFORE you buy your husband hour so he doesn’t own half your home though ! Speak to a lawyer

I would talk to your ex, explain as much or as little as you need to but ask him for more time.

Divorce your current dick of a husband while your ex still owns half the house.

Can you come to an agreement with your ex? Does he need to sell his half right now? Would /could he wait a few years (when his share will appreciate further), even if it means you paying him a nominal rent on his half?

I kind of understand why your current husband would want a fresh start in a house that wasn't your previous family home, but he has gone about this in a really dickish way, deliberately buying a car etc.
Would you even be able to get shared ownership since you already have a part property?
I really don't think you should buy with this man, I think you will head for divorce anyway and then you will be left with splitting another house and maybe a shared ownership so you'll end up with even less.
He might be figuring you have no option but to go along with what he wants.

Talk to your ex, he sounds decent.

I absolutely would in his shoes - it’s a Greta location, no moving costs, and by being married he automatically would get 5050 equity - what a bargain

Your husband has been happy whilst his life is effectively being subsided. I’d think carefully about getting your finances caught up anymore. Why has he just got a car knowing he will need to invest in a house?

That said. There will be other schools OP, although I understand the reluctance to change.

She’s referring to the kids she had from her first marriage. He doesn’t consider those to be his responsibility etc although he didn’t seem very good with their shared child either.

He is quite an older father if he had his first at age 49 - OP out of curiosity how old are you? And why did you think it was a good idea to have a child with him when you already had 3?.

and yeah know whats done is done but I’m curious. It’s such an upheavals for kids to move a man in and have another child with a a huge age gap I wonder why so many people do it.

I think you should get a place on your own.

If it’s just you and young DD most of the time, could you manage with just a 2 bed flat and a sofa bed for visitors.

I think if your new DH really hates the house he doesn’t have to buy it. That said it’s… odd that he’s lived there for a while already with apparently no issue and also that it coincides with him spending money on a car. Doesn’t quite add up.

And in the future, don’t move anyone in or marry anyone without a rock solid financial agreement.

Your husband sound controlling and awful, you need to get rid of him, for yours and your daughters sake.

As you are on friendly terms with your ex, the first thing I would do is speak to him, and explain the situation. When the time comes to buy him out, it would be down to him to get the court order enforced, so maybe he would agree to some leeway there.

Go to citizens advice, find out about what benefits you could get. Get a free initial appointment with a solicitor, and discuss your options. Get your paperwork together.

If there are really no other options, sell the house, pay off your ex, and rent somewhere with your daughter. I know it may feel like a 'waste' of your equity, but it's better than the alternative of buying a property with your husband, because then he really is going to be difficult to get rid of.

Get out now, this is the perfect ttime - make yours and your daughters peace and happiness a priority 💐

I am not sure if I would want to buy a house previously owned by my partners ex but then if that was the case I wouldn't have happily lived there for 6 years paying reduced rent and only mysteriously found it an issue when I was called upon to contribute more and buy my share.

I’m sure if OP wasn’t requiring him to pay up he would be happy to continue as they are living there. So I think in his case the “fresh start” argument is just an excuse and not genuine. He sounds really awful indeed.

It’s only a great location if the person who buy the house thinks it is which he doesn’t

6 years isn’t particularly seen as long marriage to gain 50/50
also they have a child so no doubt housing need would sway the split in OPs favour

"I’m sure if OP wasn’t requiring him to pay up he would be happy to continue as they are living there"

To be fair plenty of women on here would be / are regularly advised not to pay towards a mortgage if their name is not on the deeds. If he wants a new build has he been saving money towards it?

Youngest is older 3 aren't his.

It literally is her house she allows him to live in - he pays nothing towards it and only a fifth of the bills. He doesn't even parent his own child. He's a cocklodger.

He even bought a £30k car while they were trying to work out how to afford a home. He couldn't have made it clearer that he's no intention of paying his way: his priorities are Him, Himself and him only.

His new car is the reason their only other option now is part-ownership! He isn't interested in buying a family home, OP's or another one. He's not even looking ahead financially, or he'd have chipped in to buy the house at the discounted price OP's ex is offering - they could have sold it afterwards at a healthy profit.

I'm sorry you fell in love with a selfish, irresponsible user, @Isamummy2021. Good to see you've woken up; it could have been worse (if he'd been a bit smarter). Now's the time to get ruthlessly efficient. Keep your money out of his reach, see a divorce lawyer, talk to your ex - and good luck!

Of course he will

This isbwhat I was talking about on the thread about the dying boyfriend. She will definitely get married to some dude who will end up owning half of the house!.