AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

Haha 😂 my youngest daughter calls my ex a pretty boy who she says is really sweet she's 4! My ex is happy he enjoys lots of travel sports we were childhood sweethearts together from high school 23 years in all I miss our friendship but I didn't have any romantic feelings not sure if that just passes for everyone. I just hope he meets someone really nice he's a really nice person. Shame though he is honestly a top dad very protective and loving I never ever worried when our kids were in his care I could go out etc now I can't do anything because I can't leave my daughter with husband. Sadly I have massively downgraded and may always in a way regret my decision to split with my ex a stable life and my family absolutely love him to bits. They loved my new husband until they saw his true colours terrible parent I mean he told our 4 year old to piss off today because she was bothering him whilst he was on his phone he is total shit. But I don't want her alone with him at all.

If he’s that crap what’s the actual likelihood of him bothering to keep in contact with daughter? Make him go to court, is he really likely to do that?

Yes because he can't stand being told what to do and is always right. I'm documenting incidents and recording what I can but at the moment I'm trying to keep enemies close as much as I want to send him packing! He really is emotionally neglecting her I've never known a person not be 'there' the phone is in his hand 24/7 I only go on mine when she's asleep or for important calls I don't think it's ok to be staring at a screen 247 not spending even a little time to talk. He's honestly the most lazy lapse parent I've ever known. His older daughter from previous marriage is definitely affected and I honestly think it's why mum was a heavy drinker and he's neglected He would do anything to make me look bad because he has to look like Mr perfect in public and ne refusing contact will honestly make him take me to court but I'm evidence gathering as much as I can.

"Yes it's my house he barely contributes to anything I pay mortgage and 80% of everything yet earn less because my kids in his words are not his responsibility! They are students 2 are moving to uni now but help and work PT but little income. "

To be fair your children with your ex and yours and the ex's responsibility. Presumably you get child support for this.

Does he pay his way for the child you have together?

"It would be his house if he bought in and paid his fair share."

Like I said many new partner's are not happy buying in to a house bought by/ with the ex. People prefer to sell and buy somewhere new that's yours as a couple rather than a constant reminder of your ex.

I think the first thing to do is to cry on your ex's shoulder. No, make that the second. First thing is to kick your really quite unpleasant, selfish, greedy user of a husband out and change the bloody locks. What a prat.

I'm by no means suggesting your ex will bail you out or offer to house you. But he is a fresh pair of eyes, has your interests at least somewhat in mind, and may have some ideas you hadn't thought of.

You say you've got tons of equity in the home. Would this be enough to buy a little house or a flat big enough for you and DD? This looks like the solution most likely to suit your family's current needs. The older DC will understand, I suspect, and be able to put up with a sofa-bed on visits home for a bit.

I'm sorry to hear you married this dickhead, but at least you aren't financially tied to him - and I agree with PP that, whatever visitation arrangements are made with DD, he won't actually honour them. Or pay his CSA, so don't factor that into your plans 😬

Kick him out and separate.
i sincerely hope he isn’t entitled to half of your share of the house because then you will be in trouble.
No idea why you married him because he doesn’t add to your life in anyway by the sounds of it.
Soeak to your ex and see if he will provide you with a small extension so you can try and find a way to buy him out. Explain your difficulty.
under no circumstances should you be buying a home with current DH he sounds unreliable.

Oh, urgent question! Do you have joint accounts? Empty them!

You said your mum has been ill for a long time. Is she on her own? If so, would she be interested in selling her house and moving in with you? It sounds like there would be enough room in your current house, once your husband has moved out.
Possibly neither you or your mum want to live together, but if you were interested in doing that, it could be another avenue to explore.
Good luck, I also think you should divorce, and while he may go for shared custody, he sounds about 99% sure to not ever want it in reality.

edited words not clear

Divorce your current husband and see if you can do a deal with your ex to stay in the house for another 5 years. Not totally clear on the financials, but you say you've been paying the mortgage by yourself, so you should be able to carry on with the current arrangement if your ex is in a position to be flexible?

Could you kick him out and get a lodger . I know that might sound nuts but it might help.you pay the mortgage. He sounds really selfish.

Sounds like you need legal advice on divorce financials before you do anything. You might be better off divorcing now and not buying with him.

I cannot see how he isn’t entitled to some of your house on divorce?

Also, if he isn’t paying now it’s unlikely he’ll start paying in a new place.

And how likely is it that he would want to look after your child if you separate.

WTF does he do with his wages - you both work full time?

This. It sounds like the second marriage was a mistake. What sort of a fool moves from a settled owned house in a good area to rented or shared ownership.

He sounds selfish, freeloading and not showing any care or consideration for your dd. Do not move. Is your marriage still a short one? Can you kick him out and go for a longer mortgage term?

Hi @Isamummy2021

What about your Mum? I am sorry to hear she is long term poorly but would you and her consider living together? Is your relationship in a position that could be an option if she has the funds to buy out your ex husband?
Yoi could then consult a lawyer to ringfence the house from your current husband or maybe if you are an only inheritor of your Mum (and she agrees) you would inherit her share etc maybe put in a trust or something I am not a lawyer. You could be tenants in common so you own % you have paid eg 60% and Mum 40%
Or maybe live as friends with ExH in the house and co parent he sounds from your OP more thoughtful and less selfish than H.

Wishing you all the best OP I hope things work out ❤️

I hope his name isn't in the mortgage.
You really need to get shot of him ASAP. I doubt he'll ask for his share of the house because he's been nothing but a financial drain on you.
You'll be better off when he leaves,lower bills, reduced council tax. You could get a lodger too if you have a spare bedroom. A lot of people especially professionals,just need a base for Monday to Friday. https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

Your family and your mum thinks he's a waste of space, but most importantly, you don't like him. Perhaps he's a badun. Leave op.

This. Honestly. don't worry about that. your new dh will disappear like the morning mist when required to change nappies, feed & care for dd. Men like that always do.

What a wanker. From what you've said here I think the couple of people accusing you of selfishness are way off the mark. He sounds vile. Do yourself and your daughter a favour and get rid. Some good ideas here - could your mum moving in be an option, if she has property to sell? Would ex h consider waiting a bit longer? Would he move in, as a housemate? Could you get a lodger?

Kick out the prick, divorce him and absolutely get your fair share out of him, you've supported him housing and childcare wise for long enough.

Then go to your ex, ask if there is any way he'll facilitate you buying off him on some sort of rent to buy set up (all above board, paperwork etc) where instead of paying a mortgage co. you just send him installments.

Whatever you do, do NOT stay with this useless arsehole and certainly don't tie yourself to him financially any further.

Have you had the house on repayment or interest only mortgage since 2001? Are you needing to remortgage purely to pay your ex his share? Have you spoken to a mortgage broker about what you could afford by yourself? Bin off the husband and keep the house if you can.

He had been leeching off you for years. That’s why everyone hates him. He has taken full advantage of you. I would divorce him. Organise supervised contact for dd through a contact centre if you can’t trust him. You have just realised you have been facilitating a cocklodger.

Forget about compromise and get rid of him.

You are already paying 100% of the mortgage and covering the bills for you and your children. You can definitely afford to stay there.

The most sensible way forward is divorce and file for child maintenance from him as it sounds like he doesn't pay towards his own child's living costs.

You are in a very strong position right now to continue with the life you are happy with in your current home.

You seriously need to factor him out of any decisions. You already realise he is a freeloader and will strip you of your assets if you move from this house.

Kick him out and stay where you are. You can afford it. Stop focusing on the prick that doesn't give a shit about you and your daughter.

I think you should count your lucky stars you didn't marry this shithead. Kick him out and hit him up for child support. It's more than he contributes anyway.

I’d talk to a lawyer to see if you divorce your husband before your ex buys you out does your current husband get anything out of the buyout? I’m sorry you chose badly for a second husband, all you can do is move on. Staying with him would be a mistake, moving somewhere that you don’t like and makes your life hard with this waster who doesn’t parent would be very hard.

Oh you didn’t marry him?? Thank fuck. Chuck his stuff out now and claim child support, you can work everything else out later.

Op you must be exhausted but try and see if you can talk it out sensibly- you’ve given lists of why your way is the only answer, there must be a middle ground somewhere there and he can’t have been so horribly awful if you married him- I think you’re just panicking. Can you not see his point thst it may not have felt like a home to him especially since you like your ex and are so amicable? You’re possibly liking your ex because he’s giving you what you want and your dh isn’t