AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

Hold on are you married now? (Sorry just really confused, much easier if you’re not married although you have a child together so still possibly not)

Do NOT rent for a while. You’ll then find the property market has run away with you and you can’t afford to get back on it!

Don't buy your ex out of his share of the house or sell before you divorce and have a financial settlement in place with your current husband. Only owning a 50% share serves you well. If current husband has good pensions, you should be able to keep your equity in exchange for not going after his pension. See a solicitor ASAP.

Your kids are not his? The little girl isn't his?

@Isamummy2021
Get rid of current husband, keep the house.

It sounds like he's using you. He's had it easy living in your house, not paying much towards it etc. The idea of renting is madness and why should you move somewhere he likes but you don't? He sounds very selfish. You need compromise in relationships and I don't see much evidence of it in yours.

Yes a little confused here

I think you need to ask him to leave and then speak to your ex about the issues with buying the house. I presume he doesn't want his children to be turfed out? So you might be able to reach some compromise with him about the time frame for you to find the money to buy him out?
But yes first thing to do is to get rid of your dead weight husband. He's a freeloader.

@Isamummy2021 you need legal advice asap. If you are currently married to husband number 2 then he potentially has a claim on the house, and you have a claim on his car etc.

@MeTooOverHere @Kate8889

I think OP has 3 older kids with ex H - 2 at uni and one "late teen".
And 4 yr old girl with current H.

The little girl is, and OP has older teenagers with her ex. The ex agreed not to liquidate his share of the family home until their children finished school, which they presumably now have.

That's what I thought. But then she said he doesn't consider the kids to be his. The youngest is though, if I'm right.

You are conflating two different things. One is whether you can afford to buy out your ex husband - which it sounds like you can’t afford to. That is not your husband’s fault and if you were single you wouldn’t be able to buy out the ex and so would have to move. The second issue is where do you and your husband live. He, understandably doesn’t want to live where you and your ex have brought up your family together. It probably doesn’t really feel like his home. However you are both being pig headed and stubborn about what you each want. You need to find a compromise that you are both happy with. But either way you will have to leave the house you are currently in so you may as well come to terms with that and stop blaming your husband for it.

I can understand not wanting to move but it should be on him to help find somewhere and he should do any extended commute. That would be the compromise.

you will have to move and it’s not unreasonable for him to not want to buy you and your EXES family home.
But he should be finding you a reasonable alternative.

also you need to ring fence any equity you put in the property.

OP, is your current husband on the deeds of your house? If he’s paid 20% towards the mortgage, he might be able to claim a beneficial interest - but perhaps you could offset that against his pension. You need to consult a lawyer. If your current DH has lived in your house for the last six years, why is it suddenly not good enough? Or is it just because now he’d have to pay towards it? It seems that if you want to stay with him, you’ll have to move; if you go your separate ways (and it seems you are thinking about this) then you might have to move anyway. What about your mother? Would she be willing to move in with you? Or is she only wanting you to move in with her? What about your DD? Would she be very upset if you were to divorce? Your DH sounds like a complete waste of space - I fear you need to look at the sums and see how you can make things work if you go it alone. Living 40 minutes from your DD’s school in a new build home you don’t want would almost certainly put an unbearable strain on a less than happy marriage anyway.

I think that you’re better off sorting this on your own than trying to move to rented or shared ownership.

Go and see the mortgage broker, explain about the equity you’ve got, offer a long term on the mortgage and see what the maximum you can borrow is.

How is your mum off financially? If she is comfortable you could ask her whether she would be willing to give you a bit towards paying off the balance.

Then speak to ex husband, offer what you can borrow to him. If it’s less than the value to buy him out ask him if he’d accept a partial buy-out with the remaining 5% or whatever in 5 years.

If you are legally married to your new husband go and see a lawyer about timings etc. If you aren’t then you’re very lucky. Either way work out a much fairer split of bills or charge him a set rental amount each month so that you aren’t so short on money. Don’t let him live there without a fair contribution.

So what has husband no.2 been doing with his money for the last 6 years? ?

surely you agreed an investment plan for that income together?

What property and assets did he have coming into the marriage? He must have had a house before.

Are you certain he doesn’t have a claim on your half of the family home? He’s your husband and you’ve been living there for the last 6 years.
Did you have a financial settlement with exH.?

Have you been paying only half the mortgage for the last 6 years (and your exH the other half?)? Is that why you say you can’t afford it after buying your exH out?

Or is it simply that you need your current husband to contribute to buying out your ex?
was that clearly agreed with your current husband?
If so, why haven’t his savings (must be huge) gone into a joint account in readiness for this?

You need to see a family solicitor on your own, ASAP

Does he understand that with shared ownership you have both a mortgage and rent to pay?

I think he is being selfish he’s lived there for 6 years on someone else’s dime. I would do everything I can to buy the house myself, in my name and kick him out. He doesn’t care about you, you pay most of the bills and he appears not to help with the kids, including his own

I think you have to just accept that regardless of what you do, you will not be able to stay in your house. You can’t afford to buy out your exh without your current husband’s help, and he won’t help. You divorcing your current husband could mean that you would have to buy out your exh and your current husband depending on how much of the equity is yours + whatever other assets both you and current husband have. At least in England it doesn’t matter who has paid what, when you are married it’s considered a marital asset. Him not being on the deeds/mortgage or having paid nothing doesn’t matter. You are legally one entity financially.

If I were you I’d divorce current husband asap, agree on a fair financial split and then get a home that is big enough for you and your young DD. Can your adult kids stay with their dad when needed?

Go and talk to a solicitor asap about divorce and how that could leave you.

You would have your salary, child benefit, and child maintenance.

Talk to a mortgage advisor: could you get payments down by a longer term mortgage and afford to buy?

Could you buy a place with your Mum? Or use your equity to extend your Mum’s house for more independent space for you and your Dd (With proper legal agreements in place)?

However… I wouldn’t put it past your current DH to try and use divorce to take a share of your house.

Anyway, I would not be putting a huge lot of equity into a shared house with a man who behaves as he does and is putting in less.

Get a solicitor ASAP.
Stop paying for anything that your husband is using/benefiting from.
Start divorce proceedings; he needs to leave or you need to leave. Can you stay with family for a time? You could move back to house at a later date when it’s sorted out. Once you sort out the divorce he cannot dictate where you live! Stop thinking about the new build because that’s your choice for later or not. Forget what he says about that. Focus on the divorce first. Gather paperwork and information and see a solicitor.
good luck x

You mentioned your mum lives close and you’ve considered moving in with her but fear it may be too much for her…I would 100% explore this idea further as you can then be free of a man you don’t seem to want to be with.

whats the floor plan of your house like, can you create an annex for your mum somewhere? As she gets older it may be something she is grateful for too

Or work out how much money you would have if you split from husband and both you and your mum sold your houses. Could you afford to rebuy something with a layout suitable for you, your daughter, and her to live together? I know a few people whose elderly parents live with them, but seperately, and it works really well.

That's exactly what I think. He'd wait until you bought together and then file for divorce. Don't do it OP. Better to either live with your mum or in a flat you wholly own with DD. Your elder two will just have to live with your ex in the hols. Buying with DH would be a massive mistake IMHO.

And there we have it - he’s been looking after himself and not working as a team with you forever (who does that, earn more and contribute so little), so I’m not surprised his response re moving is so selfish. The writing has been on the wall for a long time. I’m really sorry you haven’t seen it until now. I’m surprised you have put up with it for so long - I’d have handed his ass on a plate to him long before the moving scenario.

his behaviour just seems like a continuation of his usual behaviour tbh.

up to you if you want to put up with it. But like he’ll would I be part owning a new build miles away from anything and moving my kid out of school.