DH said not to eat yogurt as it was just for DD15

[ForeverDelayedEpiphany]

Food order is coming this evening. Dh is usually one who does them.

We're out of yogurt so I ate a spoonful of natural Greek style yogurt that was left over which my DD prefers - i usually eat the Greek yogurt that is thicker and "real".

I haven't had much to eat today and literally just wanted a spoonful for my lunch with a nectarine, but as soon as I was putting it in the bowl, my DH says I needed to stop eating the yogurt as it was left for my DD and she said that she'd have enough, so he hadn't ordered any extra.

I've eaten the yogurt now but feel crappy and guilty. I know it's not a serious thing or the end of the world, but I do feel like sometimes he is a bit controlling at times. He often criticises the way I do chores like washing up or hanging up washing if I haven't done it in the same way he would - he says he's had years of doing it so his way works best - and as I dont hang clothes on the clothes horse in such a way that doesn't crease them, my way isn't the best.😳

Anyway, just a bit of a moan. I sometimes feel bad but I think i might have undiagnosed ADHD so have a little part of the being oversensitive side possibly.

Our food budget is around £140 for a family of 5 so I guess we could buy cheaper.

I lived on my own for a while in my 20s but I was never any good really at being that self sufficient. My best independent living was twenty odd years ago at university 😅

That's around 7k a year for five which to me is good.

Are you saving for a particular reason?

I think it's just a case of my DH is careful with the budget, and likes to stay on top of the finances. He's quite sensible with money, much more than me!

But he’s not being careful - Sainsbury’s is expensive.

is there a reason you can’t shop in Aldi or Lidl?

But that's what it's supposed to be you make mistakes and learn from them it doesn't mean you can't do things or wouldn't do them better now. Every young adult does silly things with money at some point until their priorities are sorted and the novelty has gone. Would you judge a child's ability at something based on what they did in nursery?
You are absolutely capable you just need people to believe in you, boost you up rather than satisfy their own ego and need to be in control. Your parents never allowed you to move away from the helpless at risk baby they adopted (which was from love) but we should beallowing our kids to grow not hold them in a cocoon.
You are a strong women you just need to find yourself. And eat properly.

It sounds like you've not had the chance to manage money.....are you allowed equal access to finances or does he just give you pocket money like a child?

So you feel that somebody who has eaten their food entitlement for the week before the next shop and hasn't enough left to eat of their food should starve rather than eat another family members? What weird shit put basic foods like yoghurt into rationed boxes ....food control is another for of abuse, especially paired with his financial control and criticism of ops ability to do basic jobs .....it's all undermining and controlling.

That's very kind and thoughtful. Thank you, it's actually made me quite teary 😢

We're equal in that we have our own income each but my DH ma has managed the joint account and main household bills. He generally likes to manage it as I dont think he trusts me completely 😳

Bloody hell, just buy more yoghurts.

When my friends husband was hospitalised for four months she was in a pickle money wise because he'd handled the financial side. Ditto my neighbour whose husband had a type of stroke.

You really need to be on the ball financially. Time to sit down and get to know how the household works. Write down passwords for accounts ie, energy, insurance, taxes, water etc.

It's really important. To have adult conversations like this.

Oh hun you’re being domestically abused and controlled and just don’t realise how much!!! Do some reading into domestic abuse - coercive control and financial control just for starters and see how much resonates

That's financial control. He's making you "less than" him.
You need to have more control over the joint account. You contribute to it so you have a say.

Money can't be that tight or he'd stop using an expensive supermarket and go shop around physically for the best prices across the local supermarkets for your family shopping list. He's just using that as another way to control you.

I agree, I do need to step up and more involved. I guess my lack of confidence stems from this lack of input.

So he spends very little on food way below what most spend....is the savings in joint names? Is the property in joint names?
Why does he begrudge you having enough food? Does he say your overweight?

Definitely he's a lot older than you what will you do if you end up caring for someone who can't tell you passwords/details say after a stroke or has dementia etc.

So all your money goes into a joint account that he controls....that's financial control...abuse....

Ask yourself.....do you love this man, does he make you happy? Is fear of being in charge keeping you with him? Did you always feel incapable of has he taught you this? Are you staying for the children and teaching them that this is a woman's role?
Your a strong women you can do anything, your not that prem baby. You went to uni....that's not an idiot that's brains.

I actually have some money for me out of my income, and i put £270 from my income into our joint account too.

I only earn less than NMW part time as a freelancer even though I have had a good career in publishing.

I have a friend who's similar in her ways to me, and we're always saying we both need to get more on top of our household bills etc. If either of our DHs were unwell, and unable to do what they normally do, we'd be stuffed 😳

Nobody would be telling me what I can eat from the fridge.

I've always had low confidence 😢 It actually was better at university as I took charge of myself, obviously I had to, but my head injury a decade ago and subsequent iatrogenic (medication induced) injury from off label antipsychotic knocked my confidence terribly. I was very unwell for a long time. So yes, i am scared of change and have felt quite vulnerable in the past few years.

I know I am strong, I've survived a lot of dreadful health problems but it's general daily life that is hard at times. My DC are amazing, and my eldest DD is a brilliant girl, straight A grades student, absolutely an Oxbridge candidate. I'm very proud of her.

As if your daughter would begrudge her mother a few spoonfuls of ‘her’ yoghurt anyway!

No disrespect OP, but I have family members with ADHD and much as they may mean to "just pop to the shop and buy more yogurt" as suggested by many on here... there's a verrrrry good chance that when I come to eat my yogurt it will be all "oh yeah I completely forgot about that"

Any chance you might be similar?!

I think YABU. You had already eaten your yoghurt so you ate some of your dd's as well. That's not fair on your dd who had presumably saved hers.

My dh has done this i the past. He has chosen something for himself and dd has chosen something for herself but because he has eaten a weeks worth of his in the space of 2 days moved on to dd's which left her without any. It's not fair on dd.