DH said not to eat yogurt as it was just for DD15

[ForeverDelayedEpiphany]

Food order is coming this evening. Dh is usually one who does them.

We're out of yogurt so I ate a spoonful of natural Greek style yogurt that was left over which my DD prefers - i usually eat the Greek yogurt that is thicker and "real".

I haven't had much to eat today and literally just wanted a spoonful for my lunch with a nectarine, but as soon as I was putting it in the bowl, my DH says I needed to stop eating the yogurt as it was left for my DD and she said that she'd have enough, so he hadn't ordered any extra.

I've eaten the yogurt now but feel crappy and guilty. I know it's not a serious thing or the end of the world, but I do feel like sometimes he is a bit controlling at times. He often criticises the way I do chores like washing up or hanging up washing if I haven't done it in the same way he would - he says he's had years of doing it so his way works best - and as I dont hang clothes on the clothes horse in such a way that doesn't crease them, my way isn't the best.😳

Anyway, just a bit of a moan. I sometimes feel bad but I think i might have undiagnosed ADHD so have a little part of the being oversensitive side possibly.

Oh I do, dont worry!'😅

@ForeverDelayedEpiphany I think PPs have said enough about the yogurt and your DH.

I wanted to add that if you suspect you have ADHD, I would highly recommend a diagnosis. You can go to your GP and ask for a right to choose referral. I recently got diagnosed myself (in my late 50s) and the medication has made me far more focussed and much less anxious.

Wtf he should have ordered more if there was only one spoonful left

I think this is a key sentence,” just about afford” another pot. When money is so tight you can just about afford a pound for some yoghurt, then yes life becomes about rations and not eating each others treats, and the op said the husband goes without to save money, he has no treats she says to save money , and she is clear, the yoghurt is a treat, she’d eaten all hers and was eating some of her daughters which he reacted to. Very few people would put one spoon in a bowl. If it was one spoon you’d just eat it, as putting it in the bowl to take it straight out is pointless, so he clearly thought she was having more as he saw her spooning it in. Most folks would.

op I think this is just about money being very tight really. And you should be kinder to each other.

1000% your DH needs to get over it. You need to stop putting up with it if anything.

He may have autism/OCD traits, but in life sometimes things don’t go exactly to plan. Either he buys DD more yoghurt or you do, it’s not a case of you not eating the family yoghurt you help pay for. (Unless this was an allergy issue) When DD turns 16/18 and buys her own yogurt then it can be reserved.

I sympathise though. I have a very similar family member who needs things done in a certain way and can be unstoppable when they get an idea in their head. When they visit they might see something they think needs doing, and we say don’t touch X because it’s like that for Y reason. I think the conversation has gone in but when I turn around they are off fiddling with X.

I think this is fair enough, not sure why you'd have a problem with that?

Bugger the washing though, do it your way.

Yes, intelligent reply, I know it's hard for a lot of people financially and I know my DH worries about money.

I do try to be kind as I know he is under pressure as the main breadwinner. I guess it just makes me feel I can't do anything right when he nitpicks about things a lot more than I do.

Why can't you or your 15 year old go to the shop and buy more yogurt?

Does your husband financially control you as well as police your food?

He is mainly in charge of financial affairs yes. We have a joint and separate accounts.

Food should be for everyone in a household.

I agree with this.

It just gets a little annoying as he likes to pick holes in how I do things.

Well, that's your issue right there @ForeverDelayedEpiphany Can you broach a conversation - not in the heat of bickering! - that indicates how this makes you feel?

Do you get stuff wrong? do you fail to do things or break them or whatever ?

I very much doubt it, so he is doing something that is not conducive to a good relationship, nor is it productive. Can you think about it this way?

Except that if money is tight, so it’s not possible to just buy more of everything at the drop of a hat, and an item of food is for someone in particular it is good practice not to eat that just because you’ve run out of your own version.

If money is no object and you can just immediately go buy another of whatever it is then okay, but if the budget is tight and didn’t include another of this item deliberately as there was enough left for the person who eats it then yeah, you don’t eat that.

I think different households run differently depending on the personalities of the people involved.

My DP is a big guy - think rugby player type build - and he has a HUGE appetite. He's also rather partial to piling into treats/junk food rather than making himself lunch.

If we had the approach of "all food is for everyone", there would never be anything nice left for anyone else. So staples, like bread, eggs, milk, cereal etc, can be used by anyone, but anything vaguely nice or special - including yoghurts, crisps etc - "belong" to certain people. No one eats the food belonging to other people without asking.

I have teens, both autistic, and I'm also autistic and ADHD. I think for all of us, knowing exactly what we can eat without accidentally upsetting someone else really works.

It also helps with meal planning, primarily lunches. Dinner stuff is just shared between us all. If I know I've got enough yoghurt left for my lunches, I'd be annoyed to find out someone else had gobbled a chunk of it up so I didn't have enough for what I wanted.

Having said that, a dessertspoon full of yoghurt isn't very much but it sounds more about the principle. You'd eaten your yogurt and your DH saw you about to tuck into your DD's yoghurt and he knew that he hadn't ordered more because what was left was sufficient. I think maybe it's just the idea that it's not fair or right to eat someone else's food just because they've eaten theirs slower than you.

Honestly not trying to be unkind, just trying to explain a different way of looking at things.

On reflection, if my DD or DS ate my yoghurt I wouldn't care very much, but if my DP did, I would. That's because he's a nightmare for eating things that belong to other people and it makes me cross that I have to stop him doing it - do you have a habit of doing it as well OP? You don't need to answer here, I'm just asking the question. If you're ADHD you might be impulsive, and you say you normally like your food, do you have a history of eating things that were earmarked for others after you've already eaten your own? Just wondering if that could be playing into it.

Oh, yes, I have on many occasions broached this such subject and asked how much it is making me feel like I can't do things to his standards. We kind of go round in circles a bit as he will tell me if I try to do things, it's not right etc therefore he has to take over... it has sort of been ok on occasions when he goes to the in-laws, then I will do washing, load the dishwasher etc without someone breathing down my neck.

It's the fact that a lot of the time, my ability to do things never really meets his system or standards, I don't think it's very good to nitpick at how much someone isn't doing things well, and i dont do this to him.

Yes, i do... admittedly I will just eat the food as I think "I am hungry " but it's nor a deliberately malicious eating things selfishly.

I think if you eat your yoghurt then you replace it before eating someone else’s or you make a mental note to replace theirs before they’d want it. Just because she’s not eaten it all immediately doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it. Sorry!

However life is too short for yoghurt rations and we would have plenty of both types in.

@ForeverDelayedEpiphany you’re shopping on Sainsbury’s. Is there any way you can swap to Aldi or Lidl? Might ease the tightness?

You don’t have ADHD, what you do have is a controlling husband who needs to back off!

Well, I suggest this to DH and his preference is Sainsbury's as our nearest biggest shop. I think i might suggest it again 🤔

Aldi & Lidl don't deliver though do they?

Bingo. Ugh. Controlling older man, infantilising his wife and ‘ruling’ the household.

This is a him problem. You have done nothing wrong, OP. He is inflexible, controlling, critical and I’d hazard a guess abusive in other ways.

Does it have to be an online shop @ForeverDelayedEpiphany ?

No. They don’t. That’s true.

Yes, although he says i need to do more cooking as he does most. I think i should be more proactive in that respect, although I'm not the best cook. I can and do cook though.