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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Laughing when I said to stop making "jokes" about me having babies

212 replies

BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:20

I am kind of reeling from this; please be kind.
I have been seeing / dating someone for about 6 months. We talk most days and whatsapp throughout the day a lot normally too. It is long-distance.
I went very quiet a couple of weeks ago; my DSIL had a very late miscarriage / stillbirth. She and my DB have been trying for ages and she keeps miscarrying. This pregnancy was the longest. We were all in shock; she was really sick as well and was in and out of A&E a few times. I sent BF a holding message a few times to say she was sick and sorry not been in touch more. Eventually I was able to phone him and explain; broke down crying as had nobody to talk to about it aside from my elderly parents who are also really upset for what DSIL and DB are going through. Have had to hide it all from my DC who luckily did not know about the pregnancy.

Today i told BF that the man in the chippie said I looked tired but he gave me some money off so not all bad (he charged me like £8.50 not £8.90). BF immediately asks who is this guy, am I going there every day, was i flirting with him? He knows I have a history of DV so I said stop this isn't funny. He said "floating" not flirting so I said I wasn't floating and tried to make light of it. He said "fuck you you know what i mean" i said it's not funny I dont like this. He said me neither you belong to me, i said I genuinely cant tell if you're joking but I really dont like it. Then he said "go with him, have a good life, many babys". Later he said something about Vikings and Denmark as he was married to a Danish woman. I said I would like to go there one day. He says "go. Stay there. Have babys with a viking". Again I cant tell if he is joking. I asked why does he keep telling me to have babies today and he just ignored this and proceeded to send me photos of his Danish ex wife, the church he was married in, his ex wife's dad, his ex wife's extended family. I just ignored these as it seemed like he wanted some sort of a response but said I thought it was really insensitive to make jokes about babies in light of all the stuff that's gone on in the family. It has been absolutely devastating; it is so horrible to see DB and DSIL and not be able to do anything. I hate it for them and any baby talk is just really upsetting at the moment. And he KNOWS this. Anyway he has just replied to my heartfelt message asking him to stop making jokes about babies with "😆😆😆"

I am just in shock he could be so mean?! Maybe i am being oversensitive but he was getting really fed up not knowing why I couldn't speak to him etc. so I felt like I owed him an explanation. Now I feel awful for betraying my brother's confidence for someone who is literally LOLing at it, or at least how I am dealing with it. I'm just totally shocked.

Is it worth replying? Quite apart from the 😆 at the request to stop making jokes about babies, it's a bit weird he has made these jokes in the first place. I only told him about chip-shop man because we'd been up all night talking. So I thought it was kind of cute this guy noticed I was tired. I really wasn't saying it to get a rise out of him. Likewise I said I want to visit Denmark because I have always wanted to go. Not because I want to get made pregnant by a viking.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 01/09/2025 23:28

Well I mean he's obviously nuts, OP. If that floats your boat, stick with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Notanotherdick · 01/09/2025 23:28

Has he always been shit craic?

Mudflaps · 01/09/2025 23:31

Jesus, get rid of him. Block him on everything instantly. Thankfully its long distance so that'll make it easier. He's an absolutely nasty piece of shit who shouldn't be next or near to any woman. You deserve better, indeed being alone would be better. Please be good to yourself and just get rid of him.

MotherJessAndKittens · 01/09/2025 23:32

Get rid! Couldn’t be arsed with that! Imagine if you were married and stuck with these remarks!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/09/2025 23:32

He’s awful, in every way. Please block him.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 01/09/2025 23:33

You need to tell him to fuck off and then block him

Seaoftroubles · 01/09/2025 23:35

OP he sounds horrible. You were upset about your SIL losing her baby and he saw fit to make snarky comments relating to babies. What a catch he sounds! You say you are long distance, how often do you actually see each other? Tbh he sounds unpleasant, ignorant and jealous so l'd suggest ending it as he doesn't sound worth your time.

TwelvePercent · 01/09/2025 23:37

He sounds awful.
You set a boundary & he repeatedly ignored it & acted like a possessive weirdo.

Also long distance is a pain in the ass anyway.

DisappearingGirl · 01/09/2025 23:38

He sounds like a horrible controlling man

Original poster
BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:42

Thanks for the responses.
I am worried I've overreacted or something by telling him off for making jokes about me having babies when he knows babies are a really sensitive subject right now for my family. Maybe he forgot. I was still not back in normal conversation even after I had explained about the baby issue to him, and he said something about how that was last week, be understood last week but not why I was being less communicative this week. As if things magically move on after 1 exact week and then things are back to normal.
English isn't his first language so I don't know if I am missing something in translation but even if my message was a bit hypersensitive to just send three LOL faces seemed awful.
I am very bad at standing up for myself; now worrying i have gone OTT.

I did try and confront him jokingly at first by asking why he keeps saying I should have babies with people today but he just ignored that and that was when he sent loads of photos of his ex life / his ex and her family. It stemmed from me making reference in passing to the fact that exH and I had two kids outside of wedlock and only one born after marriage, I dunno if he has got jealous of this (even though it was a very unhappy marriage) and also whether or not he was really jealous of the man in the chippie I do not know.

OP posts:
MeTooOverHere · 01/09/2025 23:43

BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:42

Thanks for the responses.
I am worried I've overreacted or something by telling him off for making jokes about me having babies when he knows babies are a really sensitive subject right now for my family. Maybe he forgot. I was still not back in normal conversation even after I had explained about the baby issue to him, and he said something about how that was last week, be understood last week but not why I was being less communicative this week. As if things magically move on after 1 exact week and then things are back to normal.
English isn't his first language so I don't know if I am missing something in translation but even if my message was a bit hypersensitive to just send three LOL faces seemed awful.
I am very bad at standing up for myself; now worrying i have gone OTT.

I did try and confront him jokingly at first by asking why he keeps saying I should have babies with people today but he just ignored that and that was when he sent loads of photos of his ex life / his ex and her family. It stemmed from me making reference in passing to the fact that exH and I had two kids outside of wedlock and only one born after marriage, I dunno if he has got jealous of this (even though it was a very unhappy marriage) and also whether or not he was really jealous of the man in the chippie I do not know.

You haven't over reacted, not at all. He sounds unhinged. Stop replying to him and answering his calls. Get busy with other things and let him fade from your life.

pikkumyy77 · 01/09/2025 23:45

He’s nuts. Stop trying to make it all normal. Its not.

Original poster
BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:48

Notanotherdick · 01/09/2025 23:28

Has he always been shit craic?

His sense of humour has always been pretty crap, yes. He made lots of jokes about DV when we first got together, till I asked him to stop. I have a facial injury from an ex and I explained why it's there and he made fists like he was going to punch me in the face till I told him to stop, repeatedly.

He was raised in an extremely abusive home, both his mum and dad were very violent towards him and his siblings and his dad was also violent to his mum. Both his parents are dead now. He talks about the most horrendous abuse like it's completely normal.

He also told me he's not violent like his father was, like he was boasting about this like it was a remarkable achievement.

OP posts:
Treeleaf11 · 01/09/2025 23:49

pikkumyy77 · 01/09/2025 23:45

He’s nuts. Stop trying to make it all normal. Its not.

This. He sounds unhinged. I think you are underreacting not overreacting. Why bother to analyse his weirdness, just block him.

Original poster
BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:49

pikkumyy77 · 01/09/2025 23:45

He’s nuts. Stop trying to make it all normal. Its not.

Thanks. I needed to hear this. I think when you're in a situation like this you can overthink things.

OP posts:
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/09/2025 23:49

Red flag 1.

BF immediately asks who is this guy, am I going there every day, was i flirting with him? He knows I have a history of DV so I said stop this isn't funny

Red flag 2.

He said "fuck you you know what i mean"

Red flag 3.

i said it's not funny I dont like this. He said me neither you belong to me

Red flag 4.

go with him, have a good life, many babys". Later he said something about Vikings and Denmark as he was married to a Danish woman. I said I would like to go there one day. He says "go. Stay there. Have babys with a viking"

Red flag 5.

he just ignored this and proceeded to send me photos of his Danish ex wife, the church he was married in, his ex wife's dad, his ex wife's extended family

Red flag 6.

Anyway he has just replied to my heartfelt message asking him to stop making jokes about babies with "😆😆😆"

How many more do you need?

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/09/2025 23:50

Fucking hell.

Red flag bunting

He made lots of jokes about DV when we first got together, till I asked him to stop. I have a facial injury from an ex and I explained why it's there and he made fists like he was going to punch me in the face till I told him to stop, repeatedly.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/09/2025 23:50

He’s a cunt.

Treeleaf11 · 01/09/2025 23:51

BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:48

His sense of humour has always been pretty crap, yes. He made lots of jokes about DV when we first got together, till I asked him to stop. I have a facial injury from an ex and I explained why it's there and he made fists like he was going to punch me in the face till I told him to stop, repeatedly.

He was raised in an extremely abusive home, both his mum and dad were very violent towards him and his siblings and his dad was also violent to his mum. Both his parents are dead now. He talks about the most horrendous abuse like it's completely normal.

He also told me he's not violent like his father was, like he was boasting about this like it was a remarkable achievement.

Show quote history

Oh God it gets worse. Please block him he sounds dangerous.

Redhotspicywine · 01/09/2025 23:51

Block delete and move on

Original poster
BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:51

Seaoftroubles · 01/09/2025 23:35

OP he sounds horrible. You were upset about your SIL losing her baby and he saw fit to make snarky comments relating to babies. What a catch he sounds! You say you are long distance, how often do you actually see each other? Tbh he sounds unpleasant, ignorant and jealous so l'd suggest ending it as he doesn't sound worth your time.

We generally meet up once or twice a month, for a long weekend. Occasionally mid-week. He is very much "boyfriend" not "partner". Which is probably no bad thing.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 01/09/2025 23:57

So this guy and these interactions have all the red flags for abusive behaviours.

Block and delete him on everything op. If you're long distance have you sent him any intimate images of yourself?

I would recommend going to a freedom workshop or getting counselling from someone who's very experienced and informed on dv. It's not your fault at all, but it does sound like your past horrible experiences have skewed your perception of what's "normal" or healthy and it might help you unpick some of that tangle and decide what you want going forward and build up your resilience.

This guy knows what he's saying. He's not joking. Good men don't even joke like that because they know it's not funny.

Gladysknightjustwalkinmyshoes · 01/09/2025 23:57

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/09/2025 23:49

Red flag 1.

BF immediately asks who is this guy, am I going there every day, was i flirting with him? He knows I have a history of DV so I said stop this isn't funny

Red flag 2.

He said "fuck you you know what i mean"

Red flag 3.

i said it's not funny I dont like this. He said me neither you belong to me

Red flag 4.

go with him, have a good life, many babys". Later he said something about Vikings and Denmark as he was married to a Danish woman. I said I would like to go there one day. He says "go. Stay there. Have babys with a viking"

Red flag 5.

he just ignored this and proceeded to send me photos of his Danish ex wife, the church he was married in, his ex wife's dad, his ex wife's extended family

Red flag 6.

Anyway he has just replied to my heartfelt message asking him to stop making jokes about babies with "😆😆😆"

How many more do you need?

That in bucket loads
You belong to me ..nope fuck off nut case.
You've had an upsetting time of it and that's the way he talked to you.
No way.. block and move on he's a nutter.

PinkArt · 01/09/2025 23:59

BeeStingBlues · 01/09/2025 23:51

We generally meet up once or twice a month, for a long weekend. Occasionally mid-week. He is very much "boyfriend" not "partner". Which is probably no bad thing.

Show quote history

How is he not already ex boyfriend??! He sounds like an absolute cunt.
Do you want to build a future with a man who jokes about domestic violence, who is controlling over you speaking to other men and who responds with a smiley face when you tell him his jokes about pregnancy are wildly offensive? That's the kind of man you want in your and your kids lives?
You deserve so much better than another abusive man.

Pastaandoranges · 02/09/2025 00:00

I couldn't be arsed with this level of immaturity. I would have probably put up with it years ago and made excuses for him i my head. But now if i had to deal with that level of emotional immaturity in a new relationship I would just tell him to jog on.