Laughing when I said to stop making "jokes" about me having babies

[BeeStingBlues]

I am kind of reeling from this; please be kind.
I have been seeing / dating someone for about 6 months. We talk most days and whatsapp throughout the day a lot normally too. It is long-distance.
I went very quiet a couple of weeks ago; my DSIL had a very late miscarriage / stillbirth. She and my DB have been trying for ages and she keeps miscarrying. This pregnancy was the longest. We were all in shock; she was really sick as well and was in and out of A&E a few times. I sent BF a holding message a few times to say she was sick and sorry not been in touch more. Eventually I was able to phone him and explain; broke down crying as had nobody to talk to about it aside from my elderly parents who are also really upset for what DSIL and DB are going through. Have had to hide it all from my DC who luckily did not know about the pregnancy.

Today i told BF that the man in the chippie said I looked tired but he gave me some money off so not all bad (he charged me like £8.50 not £8.90). BF immediately asks who is this guy, am I going there every day, was i flirting with him? He knows I have a history of DV so I said stop this isn't funny. He said "floating" not flirting so I said I wasn't floating and tried to make light of it. He said "fuck you you know what i mean" i said it's not funny I dont like this. He said me neither you belong to me, i said I genuinely cant tell if you're joking but I really dont like it. Then he said "go with him, have a good life, many babys". Later he said something about Vikings and Denmark as he was married to a Danish woman. I said I would like to go there one day. He says "go. Stay there. Have babys with a viking". Again I cant tell if he is joking. I asked why does he keep telling me to have babies today and he just ignored this and proceeded to send me photos of his Danish ex wife, the church he was married in, his ex wife's dad, his ex wife's extended family. I just ignored these as it seemed like he wanted some sort of a response but said I thought it was really insensitive to make jokes about babies in light of all the stuff that's gone on in the family. It has been absolutely devastating; it is so horrible to see DB and DSIL and not be able to do anything. I hate it for them and any baby talk is just really upsetting at the moment. And he KNOWS this. Anyway he has just replied to my heartfelt message asking him to stop making jokes about babies with "😆😆😆"

I am just in shock he could be so mean?! Maybe i am being oversensitive but he was getting really fed up not knowing why I couldn't speak to him etc. so I felt like I owed him an explanation. Now I feel awful for betraying my brother's confidence for someone who is literally LOLing at it, or at least how I am dealing with it. I'm just totally shocked.

Is it worth replying? Quite apart from the 😆 at the request to stop making jokes about babies, it's a bit weird he has made these jokes in the first place. I only told him about chip-shop man because we'd been up all night talking. So I thought it was kind of cute this guy noticed I was tired. I really wasn't saying it to get a rise out of him. Likewise I said I want to visit Denmark because I have always wanted to go. Not because I want to get made pregnant by a viking.

It would be wise to send an end-of / don't contact me message, and keep it. And ensure your trusted friends and family know you have ended the relationship and why.

He sounds utterly bloody horrible. Bin him, block him, and never look back.

I am so very sorry for your brother and SIL's loss - that's awful for the whole family

This did make me laugh! Thank you 😅

It was really odd I didn't flirt at all, I am not very good at flirting so I don't know why he immediately jumped to this conclusion albeit in a "jokey" way. He asked me if I go to the chippie often and the address. I don't work near there very often so I said it is a long way to go just to get a discount and that was when he went off on one saying I should have a baby with the man who served me.

He was funny about meeting in a pub once too; I got there earlier than him and it is a tiny pub so I joined in the conversation that was happening at the bar and told him everyone had been talking about Traitors. He mentioned this when he was upset with me and said I should just go to the pub and pick up men there.

It's a complete double standard though; he went to a gig and said he got talking to a mother and daughter who said he was really cute, sent me a selfie of himself and one of them, and told me they had wanted to take him home! He likes photos to see what I am up to, like selfies through the day. It is like he always wants to know what am I doing. And have visual proof of that.

I missed where you said he raised his fists. Get rid before you become a statistic..
Seriously he sounds bad news.

For fucks sake seriously you are walking into another abusive relationship. You really are. Better than the last bastard is not a high enough bar.

It doesn't matter if you were flirting with the man in the chip shop or not. All that matters to him is control of his property, you.
He is a nasty, controlling, abusive man. He might not have got physical with you yet but he is as dangerous as your ex who did.

Yeah i can see that now.
I feel kind of foolish tbh but it has been a relief to be able to write about him and his ways on here.

He sounds awful. Nasty, mean and vile.

I don't understand why you would even consider further communication or contact with him.

Think twice about bringing him into the lives of your children and family.

I just can't believe how appalling this man is. How on earth have you been seeing him for six months? Please get rid as he is a lunatic and probably dangerous losing term.

I really hope your next update will be to say you have ended things with him and totally cut him out of your life.

He is abusive and it will only be a matter of time before he is violent to you. He wants photos of your day so he can beat about it afterwards. Controlling and abusive.

If you don't want to think about yourself at least think about how children will be impacted by someone like this. Life will be hell.

Yeah i can see that now.
I feel kind of foolish tbh but it has been a relief to be able to write about him and his ways on here and to see the responses.

It's good to be able to write about his ways, but what you are in control of and what needs your focus is your ways and what you need to change in order not to sleepwalk into another abusive scenario.

I'm surprised he hasn't tried to move in with you to control you all the time.

He will be living with some other poor woman.. that ex that had an affair? Bullshit.

Right...so have you ended things now?

Genuine question: what’s stopping you from sending a message then blocking, or just blocking him immediately?

this is nothing to do with culture. A baby has died. You don't need to be English to understand that or empathise.

He's a horrid horrid man - I would have nothing to do with him.

Imagine having an illness, or another death in the family - is he someone you would want to seek comfort from now?

BLOCK!!!!

It’s so sad you have been putting up with someone as horrible as him (that’s an understatement).

Pull up your strength from the bottom of your boots and end it.

You can do it and the sooner the better. The relief will be immense the moment it’s over. So be brave and rip off that plaster.

You need to start believing in yourself. You are important and you’re just as important as the next person.

Good luck, and next time find someone who is nice and treats you as you should be treated.

You're not obliged to be in a relationship with anyone. If you tell someone to stop something they should stop. If they don't you can end it, you don't need permission from anyone.

Absolutely this, 100%.

The man is despicable. Get rid of him immediately.

There are decent men out there but he's not one of them. I don't say this to be mean but most women with healthy boundaries would have binned him much earlier because his behaviour sounds frankly frightening or unbalanced. I mean I think I can say that no decent man makes jokes about domestic violence complete with mock punching. If he thoughtlessly hurts your feelings in some way he should say he's sorry and not repeat the behaviour. I think you need to carefully assess any future partners. When I was single I had some iron clad rules about what was and wasn't acceptable to me. Just because you go on one date doesn't mean you automatically have to go on to have a relationship with some loser. Any hint of pettiness, sleaziness, unkindness or dishonest behaviour and I was out of there.

Please get out of this relationship, he sounds mental.

“Dear xyxy, after the last few discussions I have come to realise that we are not compatible. I cannot live with your jealousy or what to me seems to be extreme insensitivity, so I am ending this relationship. This is my decision and I hope you will accept that with no hard feelings. No need to reply, I do not intend to communicate further. Good luck for the future, abab”

Then immediately block on every means of communication. And ignore each and every approach he makes, unless abusive / intrusive, in which case do him for harassment.

Thank goodness he is long distance!

You wrote in your post you had no one else to talk to - can you focus on building up your female friendships and hobbies? If you’re not so lonely, you might not fall for the next man who is looking for someone to control 💐

I wouldn’t tell him why you are ending the relationship - he will start acting “non controlling” with the next woman/women he meets, and she will get in deeper before she realises what he’s like