Laughing when I said to stop making "jokes" about me having babies

[BeeStingBlues]

I am kind of reeling from this; please be kind.
I have been seeing / dating someone for about 6 months. We talk most days and whatsapp throughout the day a lot normally too. It is long-distance.
I went very quiet a couple of weeks ago; my DSIL had a very late miscarriage / stillbirth. She and my DB have been trying for ages and she keeps miscarrying. This pregnancy was the longest. We were all in shock; she was really sick as well and was in and out of A&E a few times. I sent BF a holding message a few times to say she was sick and sorry not been in touch more. Eventually I was able to phone him and explain; broke down crying as had nobody to talk to about it aside from my elderly parents who are also really upset for what DSIL and DB are going through. Have had to hide it all from my DC who luckily did not know about the pregnancy.

Today i told BF that the man in the chippie said I looked tired but he gave me some money off so not all bad (he charged me like £8.50 not £8.90). BF immediately asks who is this guy, am I going there every day, was i flirting with him? He knows I have a history of DV so I said stop this isn't funny. He said "floating" not flirting so I said I wasn't floating and tried to make light of it. He said "fuck you you know what i mean" i said it's not funny I dont like this. He said me neither you belong to me, i said I genuinely cant tell if you're joking but I really dont like it. Then he said "go with him, have a good life, many babys". Later he said something about Vikings and Denmark as he was married to a Danish woman. I said I would like to go there one day. He says "go. Stay there. Have babys with a viking". Again I cant tell if he is joking. I asked why does he keep telling me to have babies today and he just ignored this and proceeded to send me photos of his Danish ex wife, the church he was married in, his ex wife's dad, his ex wife's extended family. I just ignored these as it seemed like he wanted some sort of a response but said I thought it was really insensitive to make jokes about babies in light of all the stuff that's gone on in the family. It has been absolutely devastating; it is so horrible to see DB and DSIL and not be able to do anything. I hate it for them and any baby talk is just really upsetting at the moment. And he KNOWS this. Anyway he has just replied to my heartfelt message asking him to stop making jokes about babies with "😆😆😆"

I am just in shock he could be so mean?! Maybe i am being oversensitive but he was getting really fed up not knowing why I couldn't speak to him etc. so I felt like I owed him an explanation. Now I feel awful for betraying my brother's confidence for someone who is literally LOLing at it, or at least how I am dealing with it. I'm just totally shocked.

Is it worth replying? Quite apart from the 😆 at the request to stop making jokes about babies, it's a bit weird he has made these jokes in the first place. I only told him about chip-shop man because we'd been up all night talking. So I thought it was kind of cute this guy noticed I was tired. I really wasn't saying it to get a rise out of him. Likewise I said I want to visit Denmark because I have always wanted to go. Not because I want to get made pregnant by a viking.

Hadn't thought of that but yes maybe saying exW cheated is so he can be madly possessive.

He just ignored me when I said stop it's not funny when he was asking for details about chippie man. So don't know if he is joking or not.

He has been madly grumpy about me going out with friends when it is a mixed group but also if I go out with just female friends. Said he wants to talk to me, that we need to "compromise" and "I get so jealous of you going to pubs" this followed me putting up some pics of a night out on Facebook which got a lot of likes. Sent a horrible little cartoon of a woman accepting a 'like' from a man with her back to a man who is holding out his heart for her to take.

I would have got rid after the 'fuck you' for talking to a guy at the chippy.

So he's possessive and controlling. I'll ask again - have you ended it and blocked him yet?

It just keeps getting worse. Are you considering ending things OP? I can't quite tell from your messages, but I hope your eyes are opening and seeing you deserve better

Normal men don't behave this way, OP. Seeing you have a history of DV, maybe get some therapy before dating as I think your view of what is acceptable might be skewed.

Is this real OP because this is a ridiculous relationship - it's barely relationship because of the long distance.

How many red flags do you need? Say goodbye and pity the next woman who ends up with him.

This is not ok!!

He isn't a bf. He is a cunt..
In every language his behaviour speaks cunt.
Get rid.
Don't you deserve more?
My dh of a decade has never spoke to me like that.
You need to raise the bar on what you accept op.

Yes it is 100% real 😥
Although I can see why you might think it isn't as writing about it, it does seem crazy and ridiculous.

Agreed it isn't really a meaningful relationship given how little we see of each other.

No I haven't ended things yet, I am at the stage of mustering up the courage to. He has just called me and called me last night too but I don't want to speak to him as I am really hurt by the 😆😆😆 reply he put when I said I didn't like the jokes about getting pregnant due to recent and horrible events in my family.

Him putting his fists up to you is a very clear message, he will punch you if he wants to.

Please get rid.of him, he's a horrible man.

The reason this isn’t a meaningful relationship is not because of how little you see each other, OP.

It’s because he is selfish, jealous, aggressive and possessive and currently in the process of dismantling your boundaries so he can soon control every aspect of your life.

The emojis are horrific but they are just one detail. Don’t focus too much on them. Look at the big picture. He’s no good. It’s simply not possible to be in a relationship with him
and be safe and happy.

Do you see it?

He sounds genuinely awful. Really jealous, horribly insensitive and potentially violently abusive. Nothing has been lost in translation, he is not a nice man and I can’t believe some of his messages in response to what you’ve told him. Please please dump him before he wrecks your self esteem or worse. I’m worried he’ll be a danger to you if you go any further into this relationship

Oh dear God ! Life is too short for all this nonsense.
Just end it with him.

Hopefully he may grow up one day but if he doesn't it's of no importance to you as you won't be with him.

He's right, "he's not violent like his dad"...
But he IS verbally abusive and maliciously, antagonistic!
Sack him off and get on with your life without him.

So many red flags op, you could make bunting out of them. Ditch and find someone who respects you and your boundaries

Honestly, this guy is awful and it gets worse the more you post.

The fists thing alone would have had a lot of women running for the hills. I feel you'd benefit from looking at why you allowed that behaviour into your life in a non-blamey, objective way.

I'd actually try to reframe this as a brilliant opportunity to step back from men completely & really focus on yourself and what you deserve.

Get rid of the controlling weirdo.
Do the freedom programme.
Go and enjoy several fun nights out with your friends.
Set yourself an achievable goal or target - a short course, a qualification, paint a picture, learn to knit, run a race, achieve a fitness goal - anything that provides a distraction, floats your boat and boosts your confidence.

This. He sounds nasty, jealous, possessive (“you’re mine”), sick sense of humour. Basically a psycho. You can do so much better.

OP, there are over four billion men on the planet. This one is a DUD. A fail. Nuh-uh.

He is worthless and has been handing you a pile of red flag warnings that if you continue with him he will make your life hell.

Some men gravitate towards a woman who has been hurt and damaged physically and psychologically - because they sense she is not healed and will be easily vulnerable to further abuse. Because THAT is what they crave.

His idiotic jealousy, insults, suspicions, attempts to control what you do, where you go and who you see are bad enough now in a LDR - but imagine how they would escalate should he move in.

You're not ready for a relationship.

Invest time and care in yourself so these creatures stop sniffing you out as potential prey. Because that's how he sees you.

Do not believe his ex cheated. That is clearly a fake alibi for being suspicious of everything.

Do not believe the sad heart thing. That's called love bombing and is designed to manipulate you into feeling bad.

Do not cling to any idea that it's a second language thing, misunderstandings etc.

It's clear: Control, control, control.

We can help you compose your strong, assertive, clear statement to him. Then we'll encourage you to BLOCK everywhere because realising he's lost control he may try to access you any way he can.

I'd suggest something like

'Hello x.

After a lot of thought, I have realised I am not ready for a relationship.

And as I am not enjoying this relationship, I have decided to end this one here and now.

Please do not attempt to contact me again as I will not respond.

Wishing you all the best for the future,

Your name'

Short, clear, message without being drawn into wrangling and arguments. No 'dear', no 'love from', and no 'sorry'. You have nothing to apologise for.

Stop wasting your time frantically trying to work on this dud. Start spending it wisely, working on you.

I see a PP has mentioned it but just came back to suggest the Freedom Programme. Unfortunately being a survivor of abuse puts people at risk of more abuse because it can affect what they think of as “normal”. I’ve never done the programme but I know lots of women recommend it and it’s free

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Advice i wish I had heeded on several occasions myself x

You are in a long distance ‘relationship’ with a troll.

Thanks all for the messages it is quite sad to think that he has been probably on the look-out for someone with not very good boundaries who he can control. I didn't want to tell him about previous DV but the injury is obvious so can't hide it with make up etc.

He's jealous of a man who served you in a chip shop? Next you'll be floating with the waiter.

As everyone has said, block & delete this unhinged idiot.

As you know better than most, there are men out there who are interested in developing abusive controlling relationships with women. You've just found another. What you don't do is accept someone into your life voluntarily who's behaviour makes you shocked and reeling. Banish him immediately.

You don't need to work up the courage to end it, just block him, and delete his number. You don't need his agreement or his permission, fuck that. You are in control of yourself, what you do, who you spend your time with, and your own life. I'd really encourage you to get support with accepting this and believing it on a deeper level to proof yourself from going down this hole again in future.