Laughing when I said to stop making "jokes" about me having babies

[BeeStingBlues]

I am kind of reeling from this; please be kind.
I have been seeing / dating someone for about 6 months. We talk most days and whatsapp throughout the day a lot normally too. It is long-distance.
I went very quiet a couple of weeks ago; my DSIL had a very late miscarriage / stillbirth. She and my DB have been trying for ages and she keeps miscarrying. This pregnancy was the longest. We were all in shock; she was really sick as well and was in and out of A&E a few times. I sent BF a holding message a few times to say she was sick and sorry not been in touch more. Eventually I was able to phone him and explain; broke down crying as had nobody to talk to about it aside from my elderly parents who are also really upset for what DSIL and DB are going through. Have had to hide it all from my DC who luckily did not know about the pregnancy.

Today i told BF that the man in the chippie said I looked tired but he gave me some money off so not all bad (he charged me like £8.50 not £8.90). BF immediately asks who is this guy, am I going there every day, was i flirting with him? He knows I have a history of DV so I said stop this isn't funny. He said "floating" not flirting so I said I wasn't floating and tried to make light of it. He said "fuck you you know what i mean" i said it's not funny I dont like this. He said me neither you belong to me, i said I genuinely cant tell if you're joking but I really dont like it. Then he said "go with him, have a good life, many babys". Later he said something about Vikings and Denmark as he was married to a Danish woman. I said I would like to go there one day. He says "go. Stay there. Have babys with a viking". Again I cant tell if he is joking. I asked why does he keep telling me to have babies today and he just ignored this and proceeded to send me photos of his Danish ex wife, the church he was married in, his ex wife's dad, his ex wife's extended family. I just ignored these as it seemed like he wanted some sort of a response but said I thought it was really insensitive to make jokes about babies in light of all the stuff that's gone on in the family. It has been absolutely devastating; it is so horrible to see DB and DSIL and not be able to do anything. I hate it for them and any baby talk is just really upsetting at the moment. And he KNOWS this. Anyway he has just replied to my heartfelt message asking him to stop making jokes about babies with "😆😆😆"

I am just in shock he could be so mean?! Maybe i am being oversensitive but he was getting really fed up not knowing why I couldn't speak to him etc. so I felt like I owed him an explanation. Now I feel awful for betraying my brother's confidence for someone who is literally LOLing at it, or at least how I am dealing with it. I'm just totally shocked.

Is it worth replying? Quite apart from the 😆 at the request to stop making jokes about babies, it's a bit weird he has made these jokes in the first place. I only told him about chip-shop man because we'd been up all night talking. So I thought it was kind of cute this guy noticed I was tired. I really wasn't saying it to get a rise out of him. Likewise I said I want to visit Denmark because I have always wanted to go. Not because I want to get made pregnant by a viking.

Do all the messages help you see? It's not just that example, and you are not 'sensitive'. Don't let him make you feel that this is on you. He is horrible.

Nah. He’s put it back on you! He is making it out that you’re the sensitive flower, who he’s apologising to even though he’s not really done anything wrong as anyone not so sensitive would get been fine with what he said. Do you see it??

If he was truly apologetic he would be upset by the thought that he’d upset you. He’s not upset in the slightest.

He made jokes about DV.

He is an awful, truly fucking awful human being.

You are also not ready to date at all and need some extensive help. I volunteered in a DV shelter. You fell in to the arms of an emotional abuser. He may not ever have hit you but it’s bad, very bad you poor woman, you need to heal. Please consider contacting Women’s Aid and doing their freedom programme, it’s also free.

Abusers target vulnerable women. Some people think it’s victim blaming but they literally look for abused women and target them. The boiling frog analogy. If anyone made any joke about DV I would never speak to them again. It wouldn’t matter who it was. They test women, someone with good boundaries would have finished with him immediatley. It’s not your fault by the way it’s all his.

He needs to be an 'ex'

Op

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar as a child?.

Blocking him is the only safe course of action now. You are not safe with him and you deserve better in a man even though you do not think so. Your boundaries, skewed already by previous abuse, are being further got at by this individual now.

Be on your own and love your own self for a change. As it stands you are a magnet for such low life’s to get their claws into. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and get therapy to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships. Your dc will also thank you.

This. It's not just about that last 'joke'. Pps have put together a handy list of all the many red flags. He deliberately hones in on sensitive topics (previous dv) and uses them to upset and control you. You don't owe him an explanation, you are wasting your time trying to make his behaviour 'ok' in your mind. Please stay well away from him.

I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

Why are you even doubting yourself?? Get rid of this man. Am I guessing right that he lives in a different country? Have you even met him?

OP please don't talk to this "man" again he sounds absolutely horrendous, and if he is like this when you are only dating for a few months I dread to think what he would be like in a long term relationship. He sounds really awful. Do the right thing for you and get away from him as this will likely turn into another abusive relationship

He lives in the UK and have met up many times. It is LDR in that we live in different towns and cities.

Whoever said his ex-wife ended things you were right; he found she was cheating on him.

It’s a long distance abusive relationship. What is preventing you now from calling time on it?. Are your dc at all aware of this individual?.

It sounds like you tell yourself that your instincts /reactions are wrong, and overthink those instincts, rather than overthinking the situation. A normal reaction of trauma from DV and gaslighting . He is chipping away at you, seeing how far he can go. You are worth more. Sorry for all you and family are going through.

I am worried I've overreacted or something

Don't worry, you can't over react with weirdos like him. Just ignore by blocking.

And these types of low life’s always but always say their ex cheated on them. It’s all part of their abuser script.

He said you belong to him?
You feel the way you feel because you recognise an abuser.
He is a walking red flag.

So he says

That’s not an apology at all. That’s him saying “it’s not my fault you’re upset, it’s your fault”. He’s blaming you for “being sensitive” when he’s acted like a cunt and he knows it. He’s not naive, he’s not confused, he’s not doing these things by accident. He knows what he’s doing. He’s a manipulative abusive prick who is trying to wear you down, who wants you to be upset. He is using the things he knows are most likely to upset you and deliberately targeting them. Can you imagine treating someone you cared about like this?

Honestly OP, I’d just block him. You don’t even need to have a conversation. It’s been six months (iirc?) and you don’t even see him often. You owe him nothing at all, and he’s more red flag than man. You don’t need to have a “good” reason to end a relationship - but you have way too many excellent ones.

I don’t blame her.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not look it up, or do it again. Otherwise you’re likely to continue to be a target for abusive men. You / we are surprisingly identifiable.

Get out now before you’re damaged further, and block him. Don’t get involved in justifying yourself to him/ feeling sorry for him. He is almost certainly lying about his XW, that will be to justify his not liking you going out / talking to other men/ his shocking behaviour.

So he's trying to spin it that he's not done anything wrong, it's all your fault for being 'sensitive'. He's a nasty little shit, isn't he?
He doesn't need to understand. If your GF/BF says to you please don't make that 'joke' it's particularly upsetting in the circumstances, then that's enough. You stop making the 'joke'.
Please hear what everyone is saying, this man is an abusive cunt and you will be so much better off without him.

So sorry you are going through a tough time. I'd dump him immediately. He sounds like he has abusive potential for sure and "you belong to me" is chilling. He does not sound like a good guy at all!

Joking? Are you? This guy is showing a cruel, mean jealous and potentially violent streak. End it now.

Have you ended it and blocked him yet? And if not, why not?

At the very least the two of you have wildly different communication styles and senses of humour.

At worst he is a red flag- minimising abuse, choosing a woman who has been abused and making jokes about inflicting the same, showing an absolute lack of empathy.

The former on its own would be enough for me to end such a new relationship. This relationship can’t last unless you dramatically change who you are and choose to tolerate behaviour you find awful because he is not going to change. Thats not a long term plan so cut your losses now. There is no need to angst about it, you are entitled to just walk away.