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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

295 replies

Needacoffeenow1 · 01/09/2025 08:02

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 03/09/2025 06:15

shuggles · 02/09/2025 23:13

Your TV isn't real life.

Show quote history

No but my 20+ of years of watching these things unfold in my workplace are.

Beachtastic · 03/09/2025 08:03

shuggles · 02/09/2025 22:45

@Needacoffeenow1 I don't understand what the issue is.

It's rare for women to show a romantic interest in men at their workplace, let alone a married man.

It almost definitely is what he says it is; just two friends.

I'm all for friendships in the workplace, regardless of sex. But don't you see anything a wee bit disturbing about him hiding in the bathroom to text her, and shutting his phone/laptop hastily when OP is around?

My DH enjoys a bit of banter with females, but shares the chats with me for a laugh. No way would he be hiding them from me, or hiding from me to send/receive them.

Thewookiemustgo · 03/09/2025 09:53

@Crikeyalmighty is right, the shiny new thing obsession means he will swat away all common sense or things that quite rightly justify your position and undermine his.
No point analysing or arguing further, or trying to make him see another point of view or even see sense any more.
It’s exhausting and the bottom line is just this:
he is having a wholly inappropriate relationship with a woman at work which disregards you and undermines the marriage.
It is totally unjustifiable so no more pointless exhausting arguing, it stops completely or the marriage is over, it’s not negotiable.
Don’t talk to him about it any more, just tell him clearly what has to happen.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/09/2025 10:08

@Thewookiemustgo absolutely . It doesn’t matter if others think this is no big deal, the OP does as would I and I’m not even sure then if OP will have full trust for a long time, if ever - once you know they are capable of this the genie is out the bottle

Thewookiemustgo · 03/09/2025 10:19

Agreed. Everyone knows what they will tolerate in a relationship or won’t. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks really, it’s not their relationship.
I just think when people are this far into an obsession they can’t see the wood for the trees no matter what anyone says, they don’t want to see the reality of it or accept wrongdoing, he wants to to carry on doing it so it has to be ok and ‘just friends’ no matter what OP says. As I think the saying goes: there’s none so blind as those who refuse to see. Pointless arguing with him.
That’s why I think he needs a consequence to break into the exhausting cycle of “This is why I think it’s wrong “ vs “This is why I think it isn’t.”

SchrodingersParrot · 03/09/2025 10:43

I wonder how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot here and it was you who had a close male colleague that you constantly messaged outside of work, even when you were on family holidays and you dismissed his worries and pushed him away?

This. Have you tried asking him this question, OP?

Takenoprisoner · 03/09/2025 10:59

SchrodingersParrot · 03/09/2025 10:43

I wonder how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot here and it was you who had a close male colleague that you constantly messaged outside of work, even when you were on family holidays and you dismissed his worries and pushed him away?

This. Have you tried asking him this question, OP?

There's absolutely no point asking someone who's in the grip of a mania like op's husband is, this question. They are likely to say, 'I don't mind if you do that', then where will you be? and either way it doesn't matter, Op is unhappy about it and that's what she needs to keep reinforcing.

shuggles · 03/09/2025 12:11

Beachtastic · 03/09/2025 08:03

I'm all for friendships in the workplace, regardless of sex. But don't you see anything a wee bit disturbing about him hiding in the bathroom to text her, and shutting his phone/laptop hastily when OP is around?

My DH enjoys a bit of banter with females, but shares the chats with me for a laugh. No way would he be hiding them from me, or hiding from me to send/receive them.

Show quote history

Evidently, OP's husband isn't being overly secretive, otherwise she would not have had any information to create this thread.

Takenoprisoner · 03/09/2025 12:23

Please don't feed the trolls. they know who they are....

fedup078 · 03/09/2025 12:34

Takenoprisoner · 03/09/2025 12:23

Please don't feed the trolls. they know who they are....

There is always one poster on these threads that make me wonder if the husband has found the thread.

Mysticaldeer · 03/09/2025 13:06

I always say male posters comments should appear in a different colour on the threads.
It would give a whole new dimension to their opinions.

Coldiron · 03/09/2025 15:37

Mysticaldeer · 03/09/2025 13:06

I always say male posters comments should appear in a different colour on the threads.
It would give a whole new dimension to their opinions.

Agreed. I vote for brown.

IdaGlossop · 03/09/2025 15:40

Coldiron · 03/09/2025 15:37

Agreed. I vote for brown.

Show quote history

Chocolate brown is this season's colour. An apt choice 😆

Original poster
Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 16:45

I heard him on the phone to her yesterday evening, all sympathy and concern asking how she was, she was worried about something at work but had decided to phone him in the evening when he was at home, couldn’t possibly wait until the next morning. He didn’t know I was there as I’d come home early from seeing a friend.
I can’t remember the last time he listened to me with such attention.

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/09/2025 16:49

You need to talk to him. I know it's hard but you can't carry on letting him get away with this.

Douchey · 03/09/2025 17:00

Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 16:45

I heard him on the phone to her yesterday evening, all sympathy and concern asking how she was, she was worried about something at work but had decided to phone him in the evening when he was at home, couldn’t possibly wait until the next morning. He didn’t know I was there as I’d come home early from seeing a friend.
I can’t remember the last time he listened to me with such attention.

I'm sorry, sending hugs. I cant tell you what to do, but if he's not listening to how much he's hurting you, its time to go.

FamiliarDay · 03/09/2025 17:13

Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 16:45

I heard him on the phone to her yesterday evening, all sympathy and concern asking how she was, she was worried about something at work but had decided to phone him in the evening when he was at home, couldn’t possibly wait until the next morning. He didn’t know I was there as I’d come home early from seeing a friend.
I can’t remember the last time he listened to me with such attention.

Yes it sounds like a familiar tactic.

Kidsgotothatschool · 03/09/2025 17:47

Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 16:45

I heard him on the phone to her yesterday evening, all sympathy and concern asking how she was, she was worried about something at work but had decided to phone him in the evening when he was at home, couldn’t possibly wait until the next morning. He didn’t know I was there as I’d come home early from seeing a friend.
I can’t remember the last time he listened to me with such attention.

I’m so sorry, I remember well this bit. The concern for this woman he barely knew and little for me. It’s so painful.

You deserve better than this.

MarimarD · 03/09/2025 19:32

Have you confronted him yet?

Original poster
Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 22:00

MarimarD · 03/09/2025 19:32

Have you confronted him yet?

I’m visiting a friend today and tomorrow as she’s not been well so I will talk to him this weekend. Dreading it.

OP posts:
PigletSanders · 03/09/2025 22:12

Why are you waiting? Have you gathered evidence? Or is it just because you don’t want to?

MarimarD · 03/09/2025 22:57

Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 22:00

I’m visiting a friend today and tomorrow as she’s not been well so I will talk to him this weekend. Dreading it.

Show quote history

You know in your gut what you have to do, even though you don't want to do it.

This man is disrespecting you at the very least and having a full blown emotional and perhaps physical affair at the worst. He is not showing any signs that he cares about you.

You are worth more than this!

MsDogLady · 04/09/2025 06:32

Needacoffeenow1 · 03/09/2025 16:45

I heard him on the phone to her yesterday evening, all sympathy and concern asking how she was, she was worried about something at work but had decided to phone him in the evening when he was at home, couldn’t possibly wait until the next morning. He didn’t know I was there as I’d come home early from seeing a friend.
I can’t remember the last time he listened to me with such attention.

@Needacoffeenow1, I am not surprised that confiding is a component of their illicit relationship. They have clearly developed an intimate Rescuer/Damsel dynamic. He is hugely gratified by his KISA role and their mutual reliance, ego-boosting, physical attraction, commonalities, in-jokes, etc.

He’s in deep, @Needacoffeenow1. He has brought another woman into your marriage and is obsessed. It’s time to stop talking to him and pleading your case. Don’t give him another opportunity to con, lie, gaslight, and shift the blame to you.

You didn’t sign up for a 3-pronged marriage, so you really must take the bull by the horns and send him packing.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/09/2025 09:12

Please don’t say to posters on this situation ‘why are you waiting’ - sometimes it’s plucking up courage because once that genies out the bottle it isn’t going back and may well end your relationship - many women have to fathom in their heads what the situation looks like going forward - some people are straight out with it regardless of consequences and others simply think it through far more