Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

But he doesnt care. Hes already pulled back

Despite all of this he has always been a kind, considerate and loving man. I don’t understand what has happened. Everyone we know would be so shocked as to the situation as we look like the perfect family to an outsider.

Yes but with no real consequence yet though.

Yes, he's checking out. He has no regard for how upset you are, he wont show you the messages to reassure you.

You are entitled to the truth so I would look at his phone and then I'd make my preparations for divorce.

We have a mutual friend who did temp work in their office a while ago and he jokingly referred to her as my DH’s work wife once to my DH when I was in earshot

What would you say to the husband or to her? I literally have no idea

Grill your friend to find out info on that woman and if there was gossip about them. She may have wanted to tell you but didnt know how to

Aah that is absolutely cruel of him. He should be doing everything in his power to reassure you. Anyone would have doubts in your situation! And a lot of women would have chucked him out of the house too. You can try to find out from LinkedIn, social media etc as to who her husband is. You also absolutely can go to your H's office too.
You're worried about not having a future with him if you approach her husband, it is a risk yes but continuing to put up with it guarantees you'll not have a future with him, not a good future anyway. I wouldn't be washing his socks either.

You need to understand this is all him, not you at all.
He's in the affair bubble - whether that's an ea or pa you've still to find out. They all do it. Everything in the bubble is his way - he can be a different version of himself that he likes and he's being validated by her at every turn. On the opposite side is real life, which falls to pieces because of his choices but in his twisted way will be validating those choices. 'My wife is always on at me, I can't even have friends anymore, we aren't happy, we don't enjoy each others company anymore' and so and so on.
It's so bloody text book it makes my blood boil. Its how it was for my dh and it was for thousands of men before and after.
That woman doesn't have to deal with any real life version of him, nor does he have to deal with real life her.
I know it's terrifying op but you have to burst the bubble.
Talk to people who know you both in real life. Start putting your self first. Don't moan or yell at him anymore just get on with living your best life - enjoy time with your friends and do things that make you happy.
It's hard, but remember you aren't dealing with your husband at the moment it's fhe affair imposter version of him. The more you pull at him and make a fuss without actually doing anything to wake him up the more you push him towards her.
When I made my husband leave (at which point as far as inknew it was just an ea - but they'd actually slept together) he was so angry with me. I know from the messages I've now seen that she thought all her christmas' had come at once but the combination of facing the end of our marriage and her expectations of a legitimate relationship really woke him up. He wanted back home 3 days later. I didn't let him back straight away but a year and bit on we are doing well again.
I know how devastating all this feels, that you question your own reality and your own response endlessly. That you love him and can't imagine a world where he wouldn't want to make things work with you and put you first. It really is like they've been possessed by someone else. But be strong, know your worth and know this is all him and not you.

Oh op, you are not alone and you are not wrong. Most of us on here would feel exactly as you do in this situation. And this situation is NOT just friendly. Who fucking sneaks into the bathroom to text a mate?? No one!
I don’t what she’s playing at, but I personally wouldn’t contact her or her DH. Not yet anyway (if you find out they’ve been shagging I would burn her life to the ground and laugh whilst doing it, but I’m vindictive like that).
Totally agree with the Grey Rock suggestion. Blank face, cold as ice, do nothing for him, no making dinner, no cups of tea, no washing, no engagement, nothing. Pretend the horrible fucker is simply not there.

Absolutely nothing!

It’s your husband you need to tackle and who you have the issue with. You can’t go getting involved in another couple’s relationship if you can’t even get your own in order.

Tell your husband that you don’t trust him. That his actions have eroded your trust. And that you cannot continue in this marriage without trust. Therefore he needs to earn your trust back if he wants to remain married and that means fully transparency.

I would say to the husband that your husband and his wife are messaging at all hours of the day, your husband is refusing to show you the messages, and you are concerned, ask him if he can shed any more light on the situation as you feel it is inappropriate.
As for her, I wouldn't say much, maybe just say I will be speaking with her husband.

I wouldn't say anything to her. To her husband, I would say "do you know your wife and my husband are constantly messaging late at night and in secret and he's refusing to show me the messages? He's also withdrawn all physical affection from me". He'll know what it means.

“Everything in the bubble is his way - he can be a different version of himself that he likes and he's being validated by her at every turn. On the opposite side is real life, which falls to pieces because of his choices but in his twisted way will be validating those choices. 'My wife is always on at me, I can't even have friends anymore”

Thank you for this, this really makes sense.

Yes and if you kick him out he will say you ended it and it wasn’t his fault. Classic.

It’s a male friend and more of my H friend than mine (known each other since college day) so I’m not sure he would really tell me anything my H didn’t want me to know.

It’s a shame you didn’t mention it to your DD when you were with them. Everyone’s responses would have been interesting.
Be open about it -you are sort of covering up for him -
edit -because it’s apparently completely innocent🙄

Given the secrecy I fully agree with this. I got in touch with the aps husband and between us we were able to get the full facts - we wouldn't have without each others help.

I will speak with H later, he’s home in the next half hour. I’m going to see his reaction when I suggest speaking to the husband. I am hoping this will shock him in to reality.

I don't think you need evidence OP, how he's making you feel is bad enough. So sorry. It's often the one's you don't think of too.

I think he'll be so angry with you and say youre being unreasonable. That would be a good time to check his.phone to see if he warns her

Do you know who the husband is? Where they live?
I wouldn’t make threats unless you can carry them out.
Better you look at the situation should you separate - what are the finances etc
if he just promises not to contact her you’re not much better off as he can then do it secretly

Don't warn him, just have a serious conversation with him about it, and if you can, get screenshots from his phone.
You are entitled to contact the other husband, you don't need permission, and don't use it as s threat, just do it.

I have no idea about her husband or where they live, just that it’s an hours commute from the office as he mentioned that once in passing.
even if I looked a the messages, they speak on the phone too so I wouldn’t really be any the wiser.
its so horrible feeling this suspicious. 2 years ago the thought of not trusting him was madness.

My ex had an affair with a woman at work. It started off innocently enough and he even invited her and her partner to ours for dinner one evening. They seemed like a nice enough couple. No alarm bells at all.

Jesus, I was bloody naive at the time. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It wasn’t until I discovered and read a password protected document on our shared computer that I realised he was sending her love notes etc. (I came across it entirely by accident and as my IT skills were superior to his, it was a doddle to open the message.)

I then got hold of his phone after he’d gone to bed and read all the sex texts confirming they’d already shagged by then, and in our bed too!!!

I did contact the husband but he was in complete denial and said I was the one causing trouble. So I wouldn’t recommend that route.

I was beyond furious and we split up and the affair fizzled out within a few weeks according to a mutual friend. He tried to crawl back a few months later but I was done. Luckily we didn’t have children together.

OP, he’s taking you for a ride and you need to take back control of this situation.