Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

In some ways, it doesn't even matter if his relationship with her is entirely innocent. It's ever present in the middle of your relationship. He's never just with you, she's always there too. Even if it wasn't her, but his mate Bill, that would still be inappropriate.

When you married (if not before) you committed to each other that requires a conscious decision that you're both going to do whatever you can to make things work. When he sees how much he's upsetting you he should be doing what he can to fix that - and you should be more important to him than she is

It's funny, I was just remembering when the repercussions of that commitment dawned on me. We were in the car, me driving, and my OH wanted access to my phone for some reason; so I had to give her my password. There wasn't anything dodgy on the phone but nevertheless, it felt like a big step for me. I told her and she looked up googlemaps (or whatever it was) and I felt this great sense of liberation and happiness. It was a little thing but felt significant

She never, as far as I know, searched my phone for stuff. But it felt really good to have someone that I was happy to allow into every corner of my life. It really made it clear to me that I had thrown in my lot with this woman; no more decisions to take, no hedging my bets, no half-measures. The best feeling in the world

Good actions build a relationship. They're not sacrifices, they're investments

@Emptyandsad I agree it’s bit like Princess Diana said ‘there were 3 in this marriage’

I feel angry on your behalf OP. It's not so much that he's friends with someone at work, it's the excessive contact out of hours, the secrecy (closing screens, going to the bathroom), pushing you away and restricting intimacy. He's also gaslighting you. None of this is your fault. When he says you either trust him or you don't then I think I'd be inclined to say "well actually, I don't trust you right now" and point out I'll the secrecy. At the very least this has tripped over into emotional affair territory, and that's equally as bad as a physical affair.

Take care @Needacoffeenow1
And you take things in your time and build up your control. It's incredibly difficult to navigate through this and you must totally bewildered why you are even in this situation.

Just no, OP. Totally disrespectful and not on. He can go elsewhere if he wants to prioritise her and sympathise with her and not you.
He’s not going to stop this unless there are real consequences and you should not have to put up with it. I’m furious and sad for you on your behalf. Stupid, selfish man.

This, with bloody great bells on it! This shit makes me so angry, the damage it does to people and they just merrily carry on?? He is being a massive dick and she can get to fuck as well!

@Allthesunglassses and if it is by chance, totally innocent on the woman’s part , then she clearly has no boundaries either and could do with developing some - although of course the blame lies squarely with the bloke who needs to back off being supportive when he knows his wife is upset by it

Of course the blame lies with him! His wife has told him she’s unhappy and with very justifiable reason and he’s doing nothing. Absolutely this is on him. But OW is part of this too. I have male friends, I have male colleagues. I do not contact them 24/7 or message/call them day and night or for emotional support constantly. Because, like you say, I have boundaries. If a male colleague was calling me/messaging me constantly when on holiday? I’d ask him what on earth he was doing and tell him to speak to his wife.
Unless this woman has the emotional intelligence of a carpet tile, she knows exactly what she’s doing. That said, she’s knocking on an open door. The only person who can stop this, is ops husbands

This is going to end badly . If not already a physical affair . This is 100 percent an emotional affair . And it will lead physical. It’s just a matter of time . This has happened to me , and a friend . But they never last with who they leave with and always want to come back in the end . It’s all fun and new for him now and yes it makes him feel like a teenager again . You either make sure he stops and this means he will need to leave his job . Otherwise this is never going to end I can promise this

I've never known one to stop once it gains momentum after the no way back boundaries have been crossed.

Only after they have gone too far do they see any kind of clarity.

Unfortunately by then the marriage and friendship has been irrevocably damaged.

So many stupid men and women who believe in twoo love.

I don’t think OP is coming back. There’s no way I could wait that long to have it out with him or leave him to her while I go and visit a friiend. 🧐

Op will be going through a myriad of different stages, she may well come back.

He insists there’s nothing to it…

How ludicrous. What a manipulative gaslighter he is.

His addiction is all-consuming, @Needacoffeenow1. He is determined to protect his girlfriend and their affair, so is using every tactic in the Script to knock you back and keep you out. He is not your friend, and he doesn’t care that he is stomping on your boundaries and damaging your emotional health.

He is investing in infidelity right under your nose. That is emotional abuse. Nothing will change unless you take action, @Needacoffeenow1. He is confident that you won’t, and will continue servicing his home comforts. If you keep the status quo and don’t throw him out, I fear you will become diminished beyond recognition.

@Needacoffeenow1 thinking of you! I hope you’re ok.

I don’t get it because he’s actually a lovely kind person in everything else

I think what's happened here, and the reason why you find it so confusing, is because he hasn't changed that much as a person. However, for some reason, you've been devalued and deprioritised.

That's what you're experiencing - this is how he treats women he doesn't really value I'm afraid, and it must be a bit of a shock to outside of that bubble.

If he explained this situation to other men, honestly, I think they would see right through this regular & late night texting.

I agree with @MsDogLady .

Have a look at what I wrote in response to a similar thread yesterday -

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5404974-partner-new-woman-best-friend?page=4&reply=146939533

*Some simply enjoy having a stable of women rotating around them, lapping up the attention, planting little seeds in case he wants to jump into a relationship with one of them one day. It's hard because some liberal and creative types are like this, and they try to claim their female friendships are all part of their progressive, left wing liberal ways....whereas actually they're just like any other average Joe who enjoys female attention.

I saw or read something somewhere on the emotional toll this takes on people. Your body lives in anxiety most of the time because it's on high alert, because emotionally, you don't feel safe.

I think it's a responsibility of partner to actively be mindful of how they can make their partners feel emotionally safe, and not just expect them to trust them, no matter what they do or who they choose to spend their time with.
It's not nice risking being seen by other people or your friend group as 'the jealous one', but for your own wellbeing, I think you need to openly say that you're not a 'cool girl'.

He has the right to be friends with who he wants.....but you ALSO have the right to not be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. If other women are willing to tolerate bullshit, that's on them, and I'm afraid they will learn hard lessons one day.*

Just asked my husband who works in an office and works directly with another woman who he sometimes speaks to out of work, he agrees with you, the odd message is fine but to the extent you are describing is odd. Tell him straight, he needs to get over his pathetic infatuation and show you he cares about you and your feelings or his marriage is in real danger.

Thank you, it’s helpful to hear another man’s pov too.

The whole thing is really sad. I hope you will be ok x

Op i really really hope your ok. Please please listen to your intuition. I have just gone through the most heartbreaking month.was in the same situation as you worrying about exactly the same thing dh and woman at work all over him and him giving her contact. I was lied to and gaslighted for weeks, told she was just a friend all the usual script shit....and ive been right to be worried all along. Its all come out last month that they've been sexting and EA. Hes absolutely broken me and caused a huge mess. Please dont stand for any of his shit, its wrong. i would hate you to feel like me now. Sending love and hugs xxxxx

OP, I hope you're ok. Thinking of you.