Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

I agree this is where you are now, @Needacoffeenow1 .

Your husband is so invested in that relationship, he's not prepared to listen to/ respect you at all; so you must show him you're not prepared to put up and shut up.

The DH is making a choice though - whole thing could have been nothing by just sharing the messages, explaining what they are talking about… it’s the secrecy and defensiveness that is the problem, it’s not how you treat a DP if you want the relationship to last.

I have no problems with male female friendships but what would piss me off me about your situation is that he’s staying up at night to chat to her, that’s a bit off in my opinion.

@Needacoffeenow1, they have clearly built an intensely intimate connection and can’t stay away from each other. He is so far into his self-serving EA fog with OW that your anguish doesn’t phase him.

Kick him out. The only thing that might get through to him is experiencing what losing you feels like.

Yeah I think the fact that he’s willing to argue over it says he’s on the edge of something here. I don’t think talking is going to do it.

It really does hurt like hell! He treats it all as though I’m ruining everything because I’m not dealing with their friendship well. I don’t get it because he’s actually a lovely kind person in everything else. When I told him before the row how this is affecting me he disregarded it and said I shouldn’t let it affect me this way as it’s nothing to be worrying about. Then it’s my fault.

Is she younger?

I think they are the same age, she may be a couple of years younger?

He’s absolutely overstepping the mark! Especially as he felt the need to message her while you were on a family holiday and a family meal.
Also telling you it’s none of your business. Of course it is! Have you seen any of the messages?

The fact that it’s becoming something he isn’t willing to step back from because it upsets you is a red flag. He might not understand atm that this ‘friendship’ has grown legs, because it sounds like it’s been a gradual thing over time, but I would definitely make him aware that you feel he is putting the friendship before your marriage, and you feel disrespected. Flip it with him and ask him for his opinion on how he would view it all if it was you doing this.

It’s classic midlife crisis. He’s feeling older, child at uni, empty nest etc and she has made him feel wanted . He need a slap with a wet fish to wake him up out of his delusion!

Ultimately his words and actions don't align. It's all very well for him to keep saying there's nothing to be worried about but his actions of not being fully present at family events and texting her all hours is showing the opposite.

Even IF he allowed you to read his messages and IF they were innocent, it wouldn't change the fact the frequency is interfering with your relationship. I think you need to set a boundary but you need to decide what your "or what" is. Stop/scale back the friendship or...... and mean it.

Good luck!

Totally agree.

This… and he’s NOT texting his male friends all the time too, is he? Just her?

Yep this sounds like an EA. And he’s doing that thing they do of making you the unreasonable, difficult, naggy bad guy, demonising you so he can justify deepening things with her. Because my wife doesn’t understand me. But you understand me [OW], I’m so glad we’re friends, I don’t know what I’d do without you….And next thing you know one of them suggests a night time meeting so they can chat in person alone and one thing leads to another…Ask me how I know. 🙄 That’s how it played out for my husband and his lovely, sweet, just-good-friends work mate anyway. I only found out after the EA had been a PA for a year. I second the recommendation of “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

Unfortunately you can’t control his responses, only yours. You can tell him this degree of secretive closeness and dependence on another woman is inappropriate and unacceptable to you, and you need him to stop, but only if you’re prepared to separate if he refuses to give her up. That may end up being the wake up call he needs. If not you’ve lost him anyway. If you’re not prepared to risk this ending in separation, your only option is to turn a blind eye.

Maybe this isn’t your scenario. Maybe I’m just projecting my situation onto yours. But it sounds eerily similar. Good luck anyway.

It's sometimes a red herring that the messages are innocent and so nothing to worry about. It's more about the regularity and the constant need to communicate, so much so, it's spills over into your home life and family time. This isn't right - even if every message seems innocuous or purely work related.

I don't think you are being paranoid and controlling. How would he feel if you were constantly texting a male colleague outside of work hours? I actually think it's pretty rude when he's supposed to be spending time with you for him to be constantly texting, whether she's just a friend or not.

When I worked in an office, I had male colleagues that I was friendly with and would sometimes have lunch with. I think this is fine and normal. I wouldn't have been texting outside of work hours or meeting them for a drink in the evenings unless it was a group work outing. There's definitely a line that you don't cross.

My DH works with and occasionally socialises with both men and women - he doesn't text outside of work, once he's finished work for the day, he's spending time with me and his kids. We are his priority.

I think if I were you, I'd be considering whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who clearly prioritises his friendship with another woman over how his partner feels.

I had a very close male work friend for a number of years. We texted a lot. Met for lunch even when I left the company. Shared a lot.
My DH (for me, out of the blue) said that this friendship really bothered him and made him feel insecure. You know what I did? I held my DH, said that I was sorry and that I don’t want him to feel that way. That there is nothing in this friendship. I then emailed my friend with my DH on bcc (though he never asked for it, I wanted him to know), that I was cutting off contact out of respect for my DH and that although I cared about him that my marriage was more important and that o hoped he understood. End of story.
It is not the same as a male friend.
All that matters is how you feel. If you feel bad this is what he needs to sort out.
Put you first.
He is your issue.
I am so sorry.
I would say it is ultimatum time.

Nope. Not okay.

You have these instincts for a reason, OP. You know your husband and you know what’s going on. Don’t let him gaslight you.

He is prioritising her and himself above you, as though they are the couple.

I’d say show me the texts or it’s over. Then I’d say cut contact or it’s over. There are consequences to his choices and he doesn’t get you as a wife while making you this unhappy.

I doubt your marriage will ever feel the same again. So for that I’m sorry and please take care of yourself.

Do you not have friends that you regularly text?

In my circle, it’s quite normal to text friends in the evenings and weekends.
Some of these friends are from work, some from school or hobbies etc.

Perhaps it’s a generational thing because I make friends everywhere I work and end up texting and meeting up outside of work.
I am actually the least ‘sociable’ one usually and other colleagues spend more time together than I do.

I too would be telling my DH to mind his business if he was questioning who I’m texting and why.

So I guess it depends if you don’t like it because in your generation it’s not ok to be texting friends when you’re with your wife (but then when would you talk to them?) or simply because this is a woman and you’d be ok with it if it was a male friend.

None of us know whether this is just friendship or it’s developing into something else.

Yes we have a gut instinct but you need to be careful that it’s not just a bit of jealousy.

Goodness, this really hit. This is ALL I would have needed. Reassurance and love not refusal to understand my feelings and annoyance. that WE were the couple united, not me against them.
i actually wouldn’t expect him to cut out this friendship as they need to see each other and work together but it’s the need to be in touch out of these hours that I don’t understand. I have friends who are men at work but I don’t call/message them in the evenings as I imagine they would rather be talking with their wives than me.

He’s taking the piss. He doesn’t want to reduce the contact because he has grown fond of her, and he doesn’t like you trying to ruin that for him. It’s hugely inappropriate IMO.

I’d do one of two things. Either tell him it’s got to the point that he needs to stop otherwise your marriage is in jeopardy and if he refuses, he is choosing this friendship over your marriage OR get her number from his phone and message her to say that you understand they have formed quite the friendship, would her her husband like to come over for a cosy dinner party?

I’ve been through this with my ex. He was texting her whilst we were on holiday, whilst we were supposed to be getting ready to go to bed - everywhere.
When I confronted him we had a blazing row and so then he just used to lie about meeting up with people from work and her not being there (she always was - I saw the photos on social media after).
Why couldn’t I just accept her as his very good friend at work bla bla bla.
Well eventually he ended it with me “to be on his own for a while and think” and his parting words to me were “Yeah you actually are right to trust your gut…” which seemed a bit cryptic at the time but soon made sense after he immediately got together with her.

You know what’s going on, only question is, what are you going to do about it?
I pretended to myself it was all ok but I wish I’d given a firm ultimatum sooner as I needn’t have put up with the 2.5 years of gaslighting and (justified) paranoia.
You will be better off in the long run, I promise (I met my soul mate after him!)

I appreciate some posters on here have put their perspectives of how their work relationships with the opposite sex are completely innocent etc. I have similar, I have a male colleague whom I am close to, who I regularly text and chat away to outside of work.

HOWEVER my DH knows him, I often will say 'oh so and so has said this or that', if my DH ever asked to see the messages or ask what we are talking about, I would show/tell him. I would never get defensive, tell him it was none of his business, tell him he is controlling etc. I assume the other posters with opposite sex friends would also not say those things either.

That's the real litmus test about whether a relationship is appropriate or inappropriate, and your husband knows which one it is.