Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

Did you confront him when he got home op?

You must have been with your DH for 20+ years.
At this point you know him extremely well, his usual behaviours, any changes that make you uneasy, what is normal for him in his actions, what isn't.
Other posters experiences, whether they would also be angry about it or whether they wouldn't personally be told who they could text and when- all irrelevant. It's changes in a spouses behaviour that are the biggest 'tell'. Believe what your gut is telling you.

You wouldn’t be suspicious if your dh was sneaking to the toilet to text some other woman, whilst you were on a holiday together? If his behaviour towards you changed to cold and standoffish? Those things wouldn’t make you stop and wonder what was going on?
There is a big difference between having an open and transparent friendship with someone of the opposite sex which has zero effect on your spouse and doing the things op has described.

He phoned to say he’s stopping off at the gym first. I would be suspicious but we all have family 360 app so I do believe that at least.

It was around 4 when you said he was due home in 30 mins, it's now past 8, how long does he normally spend at the gym or is it far away?

Is she a member @Needacoffeenow1

I meant I haven’t spoken to him yet, he was about an hour at the gym.

Oh god, I hadn’t thought of that. I doubt it but he wouldn’t tell me if she was..

I actually don’t think there is much point talking to him unless you have a clear path / ultimatum you want to make and you can and will follow through with it.

He is having an affair. Regardless of whether it has turned physical, he’s in constant contact with her and whatever they are discussing is not appropriate for you to see and he’s not willing to share it. That’s an affair.

He knows how upset you are with this ‘friendship’ but he’s still trying to cover it up so frankly he doesn’t care. He is focused on how he can get away with it not whether it’s upsetting you.

If there is any hope for your marriage you have to be willing to end it. If that doesn’t shock him then nothing will and it was over anyway. But before you tell him you need to be sure of where you stand financially and what the next steps will be. He needs to know you are serious and this isn’t an empty threat.

If he does a 180, shows you the messages and cuts off contact with her outside of work you can decide whether it’s enough to repair the relationship. But frankly it would be understandable if it’s already gone too far.

Your marriage isn’t a given. He doesn’t get to treat you this way and expect you to feel the same about him. Right now he thinks he has the wife at home who does everything for him, and is respected as a family man whilst getting his excitement from a secretive and addictive relationship with OW. That’s not ok.

Once he’s left with only a sordid and one dimensional relationship with this OW the allure won’t be the same. Especially if she has no intention of breaking up her marriage. I wouldn’t say anything to her husband. Why make it easy for him if she is dumped. And you come across as the crazy wife.

Rise above it all and tell him his actions with this woman has destroyed your trust in him and you no longer see him as the man you married. He’s disappointed you and let you down and you don’t think you can come back from this as you have tried your best to communicate how it has affected you but he hasn’t cared or put you first. Tell him he’s free to pursue this friendship and you will no longer stand in his way as it is obviously more important than his family. Then let him consider the reality of this and impact on his life. Let him feel the consequences.

Imho if you have to resort to threats to basically make your DH ‘behave’, it’s dead in the water already.

I know you say you’re doing this because you love him but if it were me, even if somehow I managed to snoop about enough to let the OWs DP know what’s going on I’d be worried my DH would resent me forever and then I’d be no better off.

The fact he’s already so indifferent to your feelings, has reduced intimacy with you and refuses to dial it down with OW, I’m so sorry but I don’t think there is a you and him any longer. I’d be wanting him out my life, not being a doormat to every whim of his whenever an attractive woman at work or wherever takes his fancy. I just can’t believe all the work you’re putting into keeping hold of this unreliable jerk instead of getting your ducks in a row.

This!!!

can you engineer a way to get hold of his phone and do a sneaky check?
Yes I would be worried by his behaviour

This would be my approach also. I don't really think you have any chance of saving your marriage unless you are truly prepared to end it.

💯 This.

Is the gym attending a new thing?

Is your dd a sensible person op? I would tell her if so. You don’t need to lay the emotional burden on her, but tell her he’s messaging and talking to another woman endlessly, tells you it’s just a work friendship but spends his evenings up late messaging her, can’t go out to dinner with you without sneaking off, it happened while visiting them, it’s what’s called and you are very upset and can’t stay married if this continues. Nobody else will think oh just a friend, and it will be a good life lesson for your daughter that you can only change what is in your control- in your case that is whether you are in this marriage or not, you can’t make him care how you feel.

Also, gyms have showers.

@Needacoffeenow1, he is addicted to the feelings and thrills engendered by OW and her attention/adoration, but he is not going to admit that to you. His agenda is to sneak, deny, minimize and gaslight to keep you at bay. He couldn’t care less about your tears and distress, and is choosing to treat you like shit on his shoe to escalate his affair.

As I and others have said, the only thing that might shock him awake is your drawing a definitive red line and showing him the door. He must understand that you mean business and will no longer tolerate his boundary trampling and contemptuous behavior.

@Needacoffeenow1, you need to operate from a position of strength, so a smart move would be to consult with a solicitor to learn your options and be informed.

Your comment here is balanced and kind. Your previous, "generational" comment was neither.

After reading your first post, I watched for any more comments by you, because I made an assumption that you had probably written more of the same.

I'm so glad to see I was wrong.

I completely agree with this, it would be my approach. I think I would start to talk about making an appointment with a solicitor, how the house would be sold etc.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

I hope you're ok, @Needacoffeenow1.

I've been in this situation, too. It's so hurtful to know that the person who is supposed to love you can behave this way.

I had also asked DH on a number of occasions to reduce contact, and eventually cut contact when it was getting out of hand and he was acting like someone I no longer recognised. He also refused to make a decision as he needed her friendship so much. He was defensive and angry. In retrospect, even though his behaviour hurt me, I wasn’t ready to give up on us and I would not have walked away. I think he knew this. When I gave my final ultimatum it was because I absolutely was ready to walk. I’d ’found my anger/ quiet resolve’ about this treatment, lined up my ducks financially, and was mentally ready to go. And if he had refused to make a choice I would have absolutely walked. It took me a long time to reach that point, almost 2 years of their escalating ‘friendship’, long phone calls, meeting up and lying about it, exchanging gifts at work. He also withdrew from me intimately, he said it ‘didn’t feel right’ given how unhappy I seemed. To add insult to injury. He took everything we should have had/ used to have in our marriage and invested emotionally elsewhere. It hurts like nothing else. Sending big hugs

He has made his choice. How is forcing him to cut contact going to make you feel better? He didn’t do it of his own accord because he cares about you and your feelings he will be doing it because you forced him to. You will know this and so never really feel settled. You’ll know that he chose another woman over you and the only reason he gave it up is because you made him.

Tbh there’s not a lot you can do in this situation, he has told you how he feels about you and about this woman so start listening.

As for the upcoming work trip, at the moment it’s exciting for him so take that feeling away from him by telling him you want a divorce and when he gets back his bags will be packed. When their cosy life blows up the excitement of another woman soon fades to harsh reality. And if it doesn’t well, at least you’ll know for sure where you stand. Be clear it’s not an ultimatum ie your bags will be packed if you don’t cut contact but because of the lack of care and consideration for you and your feelings and that damage has already been done.

Im sorry you’re going through this however it’s time to think about yourself. Forget about her husband and actually forget about her she’s not the issue here your husband is

I hope you are ok OP x

He's basically dating her.

Tell him to make his choice, wife or girlfriend. And mean it.

All the cool wives on here being deliberately obtuse, do you never get tired of being so deliberately disingenuous with your faux confusion about the problem?

YES OF COURSE people in relationships can have friends they text and lunch with, and YES OF COURSE these can be work colleagues and YES OF COURSE any of this can be with the opposite sex. However these type of threads are about when these NORMAL interactions have gone well beyond the parameters of innocent/casual friendships and have strayed into affair territory resulting in "the strayer" choosing to invest their time/care into the AP over their own partner.

Its really not hard to grasp.