Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

There is little to be gained by talking to him further about this. He is behaving unreasonably, and you have spent two years feeling like you're slowly going mad while he accuses you of being controlling, paranoid, and pushes you away to suit the story he's telling himself which enables him to carry on with his nonsense. He's happy for this to play out. He is showing no respect for you, or for your marriage.

You need to accept that this won't stop unless/until either of them call it a day. He's shown you that how you feel about this relationship with her is of no concern to him. I would change the locks the doors when he goes on his work trip, confide in a friend or family member and keep a lid on things til then, no more tears or looking to him for "answers". There's not much he can say at this point which is going to be of any use to you.

You're going to have to force this and show him you're not fucking around, or just wait for it to play out indefinitely, which is going to shred your mental and emotional wellbeing. Rip the plaster off.

He doesn’t touch you any more and they’ll be staying away overnight somewhere?

I wonder how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot here and it was you who had a close male colleague that you constantly messaged outside of work, even when you were on family holidays and you dismissed his worries and pushed him away? I don’t think he’d be best pleased!

The more you write, the more I’d be wondering if they’re already having a full on affair and not ‘just’ an emotional one. Because he’s definitely doing that in my opinion.

Sorry to say this but sound alike an affair and he’s majorly gaslighting you. There’s been another thread were the DH refused to break off his inappropriate friendship with another woman and it ended up in him moving out.
it’s plain to see from an outsider what is going on and if he had nothing to hide he would show you the messages.there are ways to bypass the life360 btw. He can go to gym, put airplane mode on and go elsewhere with it still showing he’s at the gym. Go back there turn off airplane mode and you’d know no different.

Same happened to my DSis .Work colleague, mentionitis, new shirts for work, working out all of a sudden, lost interest in sex. DSis even bumped into them together ( their job involved being outside / surveying etc) in town and she said she got a funny feeling just from their faces when they saw her. It was a year later she found out and immediately thought back to that moment and wished she’d trusted her gut.

And as I mentioned below I know very few men who expend time ,effort and secrecy to the extent of pissing off their wives on women they don’t have ‘a thing’ about - most simply can’t be arsed - also it’s about newness, if your bloke has always had loads of women friends from when you first new them or even ‘a singular woman friend’ you will know the score and probably a fair bit about that person, it’s when a guy who has never showed much interest in female friends before suddenly goes all secretive , withholds any info and seemingly seems obsessed about communicating with them at all times that your gut senses something isn’t right - I suspect many cool wives have never been in the position of thinking ‘this feels off’

@DiaryofaProvincialLady Sadly, I have NEVER come across one of these threads where the ‘cool wives’ have been proven right.

Then they seem to leave the thread, scuttle away and return the next time with the same old ‘cool wife’ lines. It always feels like gaslighting the woman who knows her husbands behaviour HAS changed.

@Needacoffeenow1 I hope you’re ok! This is such a hard time for you.

Hi OP,
I experienced this years ago. It is incredibly damaging. You feel upended. My self esteem, work life and parenting all suffered because I had this constant unease in me. The man you love is replaced by a cold, unfeeling Alien. They feel lost to you and even the way they look at you seems changed.

so to my eternal shame I spent time remonstrating with my husband and trying to get him to see that me and the children weren’t worth sacrificing for someone he had known for 5 minutes. I tried reminiscing about our holidays and achievements. I cried and argued and so he got more remote. I then launched into full on pick me dance ( although I didn’t know about the name or recognise this behaviour)

I guess what I am saying is don’t be me!
please take charge. Practice cold indifference to him now - even if you have to fake it for a bit. Also look up the 180 marriage strategy - this recommends no longer pleading and chasing a partner when they are displaying 💩 behaviour. Essentially it’s about focusing on you.

Wishing you all the best xx

@Eaternotbaker I think it’s because they can’t permit themselves to even treat you as a friend due to guilt- they have to create in their heads that you ‘no longer matter’ because they get so obsessed about the shiny new thing

If your partner insists on ignoring your unhappiness, what are they actually for, any more?

@Crikeyalmighty nakes a good point. If divas one of those blokes who’s naturally gregarious, becomes friends with everyone, make or female, , you woujdn’t worry so much but this is different. He’s singled out one person, and is being secretive, and considers her more important than his own wife.

)not sure where the diva appeared from , too late to edit once I’d noticed)

Don’t give him an ultimatum; instead, give yourself an ultimatum. It is much more liberating to decide yourself your line in the sand/deadline, and once that has passed - and it will - that's it, time’s up, game over.

You will take back power by deciding and securing your own boundaries. This is not something you consult him on. You decide privately, and you act decisively.

I agree, this is an affair. Also agree that ultimatum will be the only way.

This is what makes it all so wrong, OP.

Imagine a relationship in your own life that would make you behave that way around him. It wouldn't just be a friendship, would it?

good luck 💗

My husband had an emotional affair and I remember feeling and acting similar to you OP. I cannot believe they justify their behaviour. He completely changed as well. Sending lots of love and strength.

@Needacoffeenow1 I don't understand what the issue is.

It's rare for women to show a romantic interest in men at their workplace, let alone a married man.

It almost definitely is what he says it is; just two friends.

What's it like on Planet Shuggles?

🤣🤣🤣

Is this a joke? How do you think workplace affairs happen?

Yes , that’s it exactly, the messaging one another constantly is def not right .. You said it yourself , you & your collegue/ Friend ,text but not on Family time ..
OP going away up to bed & he’s below chatting to her , that’s not ok ..
I don’t know , I wouldn’t like it , & the way he dismisses OPS feelings ..
From reading the post , it’s like this constantly conversing with one another ! Like why so , seriously, I mean there’s no need for it ..

He is giving us the male perspective - shuggles has revealed on other threads that he is a man.

A man! So definitely on a different planet.

Your TV isn't real life.

Well I’d be leaving him or throwing him out. I couldn’t in all good conscience sleep with a man o knew was so blatantly lusting over someone else and more interested in their attention than mine.

It’s easier said than done but do it now while you’ve got life left in you. Otherwise this relationship will make you bitter and Sal your soul; you’ll waste the next chapter of your life being utterly bitter, resentful, miserable and neglected. LTB and find a man who wants you.

@shuggles you are talking crap - this thread is full of women who have been through similar as are hundreds of threads on mumsnet , men who declared ‘just a friend’ with colleagues and turned out to be rather more than that

You're either being sarcastic or ridiculous. There are so many posts on here from women whose husbands develop an inappropriate emotional relationship with a female colleague which, in many cases, becomes a physical affair.