Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

Not quite right – it isn't stonewalling or the silent treatment. It's giving as little emotion to your interactions with him as possible. Communication is short and only includes the necessary basics.

Grey Rock Method Examples:

• Giving one-word answers like "yes," "no," or "okay"
• Using boring phrases like "eh," "mhm," or "uh-huh"
• Not looking directly at the person and keeping your face blank
• Answering questions quickly without adding extra details
• Ending conversations as fast and safely as you can
• Not showing any feelings when someone tries to upset you
• Speaking in a flat, monotone voice
• Avoiding sharing personal information about your life
• Not asking questions that might start longer conversations
• Keeping your body language neutral and relaxed

Look into how things would be if you separated so you have that knowledge and use it to give you the strength to suggest he moves out or whatever at some future date as you don’t like playing second fiddle etc.
He hast shown understanding or remorse and your complaining is making it worse. Look into the finances etcetc -at least you will be busy and occupied and hopefully determined - it might make him wonder what’s got into you. Stop him being so sure of himself.

'Not quite right' is very polite. Now I understand what it is. Thank-you.

He will certainly do this - be prepared for that op.
It just confirms how hard he's working to protect his bubble.
Don't accept any gaslighting. You don't need to rise to it just keep reminding yourself of actual facts, don't let him muddle you.

I wouldn't be talking to him today re this woman's husband. After him retreating from you and gaslighting you, do you really think hes going to act suddenly with a conscience?
You've had great advice here. Grey rock him and start looking at your options. Him not wanting to touch you etc, it looks as if he's checking out of the marriage. I would be getting the power back, not arguing with him about her husband. He will just call you crazy again.

They’re all the fucking same aren’t they? They all say the same thing, hence why it’s called the Script. So utterly predictable and utterly depressing.

I like what the poster said about telling him he can’t have a wife and a girlfriend and it’s time to go, if he refuses to give up his deeply inappropriate relationship with another woman.

He has made a decision - to ignore that you say his behaviour is upsetting you.

The hiding texts, lying… get support in real life as I’m sorry to say, this is already an affair. He has checked out.

Do you really still want to be married to him, OP? After the neglect, disrespect, gaslighting and carrying on this "friendship" at the expense of your marriage?

Ask yourself what it would take for you to feel safe in your relationship again. Then ask him whether he can give you that. And if he can't, or says "I don't know" then the only possible way forward is for you to tell him to leave.

This has all got to be on your terms. He is the one going outside the marriage and giving his energy and attention to someone else. That is not the behaviour of a good man or a loving husband. That is a below-standard man and someone you would be happier without. I know right now you are in the mode of trying to persuade him to pick you. But ask yourself: what do I want? What will make me happy? What do I deserve? And then follow your heart.

I used to work for a company where most of my team were men, and I had a work colleague I would always go to lunch with, since he left we would meet up for dinner about once a month. I consider him to be one of my closest friends, but we were just friends and were not attracted to each other, so I think it is perfectly reasonable to have friends of the opposite sex. DH has also joined us a couple of times for dinner, as has friends partner.

The messages you describe do seem excessive, I message my friend often, there isn't anything in the messages that I wouldn't want DH to see so I wouldn't have a problem if he saw them, but I'm not sure I would be keen to show them to him if I thought the only reason he wanted to see them was because he didn't trust me.

The question would be why would he trust you if you were shutting down all his concerns, dismissing his feelings and withdrawing affection?

I think friendships like this are unlikely to cause a reaction from a spouse.
You've included both partners at times and presumably you don't prioritise contact with your friend over quality time with you dh / family. It doesn't sound like you're hiding in the bathroom to chat to your friend.
I think its totally fair to expect privacy when you've demonstrated trustworthiness.
I would assume that in a normal marriage transparency would be offered, even grudgingly if there was any anxiety on the part of the spouse. Assuming that anxiety is out of the ordinary. I don't think many of us would tolerate a spouse who is constantly suspicious. But the op seems to have had a long marriage without this kind of issue coming up before. In those circumstances I think a request for more transparency is fair.

I would be telling him that the situation has be become intolerable to you. No decent husband would be behaving like this and you have had enough. You are also planning on telling your daughter the situation to prepare her for your separation. The woman’s husband will be easy to find if you do a quick google search on her own name. I’d also be very tempted to say that you will be informing her ow husband to see if he knows about this “friendship”. Your husband does not need to know you don’t know his name yet. For your own mental wellbeing the narrative that you are to blame has to change and that change begins with you taking care of you

He’s DARVOing you

Op

You are feeling powerless because your aim is to control him by getting him to do the right thing.

You will.get your power back when you realise you are in complete control of your OWN life...your own boundaries and how you are prepared to live.

You can start that right now.

Exactly the same for me. I have a couple of male friends at work who I text outside of work and have lunch with. I would feel upset if my male partner told me to tone it down as I don’t have many friends where I live and find these work friendships really vital.

my partner has a few female friends he texts and sees but he has always had friends of mixed gender. That’s just how both of us are.

but that’s us and if your husband has literally never had a female friend before or any interest in females as friends maybe I would be suspicious.

But in the middle of a meal or holiday??? When you know how it makes your partner feel?

I wouldn’t text anyone in the middle of a meal as it’s fucking rude but yes to on holiday if I was chilling by myself

Op: asked him to choose and he has refused to make a decision

That would be the decision for me.

I think you should take your power back and start the divorce process. You can't control his actions but you can control whether you accept them or not.

@Needacoffeenow1 my husband was the exact same - 6 months ago I would have said he was the most loyal trustworthy person, and everyone who knew him would have described him as a genuine good person who would have always put his family first. That all changed when his head was turned by someone at work. Even his Mum couldn't believe who he had become. Its awful when they turn into someone you never thought they could be, but seems it can and does happen. Hope you are OK x

Yes, I agree.

It may sound pathetic but yes I really do want the man I married back. I have loved him for so long and he means so much to me. He is usually such a kind person which is why this shutting me down is so hurtful.

Do not mention her husband if you have no way of following through. Empty threats undermine you.

You're not going to get your kind husband back unless you take definite action. He needs to be shocked into action. Going grey rock will make it easier for him to justify his friendship as a source of support. You or he need to leave - for now.

Okay, well then your only chance here is to tell him the marriage is over, he's free to go. It may be that it's the wake up call he needs to realise he needs to end his affair and work on making amends with you.

If you keep doing what you're doing, begging him for scraps, all that tells him is that he can get away with doing whatever he wants. Maybe he stays with you for a while until this woman pushes him to leave you. Or maybe she dumps him and you will be allowed to nurse him through his broken heart.

Your only power here is to choose yourself. "Husband, I love you and I want our marriage to work. But I won't tolerate being put second best to this woman. So unless you are prepared to end the friendship, you need to leave, now." Choose yourself, OP!

It is not at all pathetic op x

I'm sorry but you are no longer his primary relationship.