Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

I am in your age group. I can’t imagine DH doing this. He has occasional work texts but generally he doesn’t want to talk work unless it’s an urgent thing that needs an answer or action.
I would say trust your gut. Would you think it ott if it were a male colleague? I would expect him to really try to put your mind at rest about her when you mentioned how you felt, not get huffy. Have you seen her, so you think he finds her attractive?

Yes I have seen her when I needed to collect him from work a couple of times, she is attractive and about the same age.

DH worked with a lot of younger women and had lunch with them. But he never contacted them out of the office.

Be really clear with him, OP. "The time and attention you spend on this woman is inappropriate. The fact that you are not taking my concerns seriously is also a problem. This is a threat to our marriage. You cannot have a wife and a girlfriend." Make the stakes clear and non-negotiable. His only chance of saving the marriage is to own up to everything now and show remorse.

That's what I would do, anyway, OP.

It’s a regular thing for him now. Sometimes I go up to bed on a Saturday night and he stays downstairs chatting away to her. Makes me feel so rubbish and question why he would rather be messaging her than talking to me.

In a word, yes you should be worried. It is never, ever Dave from accounts that they have all this contact with is it?

Trust your gut. The odd message is absolutely fine but not to the extent you describe.

We had a big row weekend before last as it was happening even when we were on holiday with our DD and her partner. The response was she’s a mate and he is in touch with her in the same way he is with a couple of male friends. And that it’s the same thing and it shouldn’t bother me and it’s none of my business.

Sounds like you are in a three way relationship OP.
The fact have voiced your concerns to him and he isn't interested in how you feel speaks volumes. She is more important to him than you.
Unfortunately while he is still working so closely with this woman things are unlikely to get any better. If he was prepared to draw back from his relationship with her he would need to change his job.
You need to have a serious think about the future OP .

Yup. Tell him to cut that shit out right now. I am same age and have children in a similar situation. This is YOUR time as a married couple now.

Did I miss her personal situation? Married/dovorced/single/ruthless?
Either way, you have a DH problem here.

@wrongthinkerhas the reply nailed.

Good luck.

His response is more worrying than having a friendly relationship with her. Ask to see the texts

This is emotional affair territory and I’d be digging deeper. I’d be getting hold of that phone and I’d not feel any shame about it.

I’m so sorry, been there got the t’shirt and it hurts like hell.

I tried to be reasonable, that was a mistake, I should have gone scorched earth. His texting all hours turned into a full blown affair.

Get yourself a copy of ‘not just good friends’ by Shirley glass, he’s breaking down the walls of your marriage and letting her in and he needs a bloody big shock!

Nope. I trusted my gut, spoke to my ex husband multiple times about how I found it disrespectful of him to disregard my feelings about him texting a woman he worked with. The effort he was spending having conversations with her he should have been making with his wife. I also told him it was not for her to respect my boundaries but for him to do so and he needed to hear how this communication made me feel. He ignored me. We did actually separate after I read some of the messages and for multiple other reasons, but this was the catalyst for me telling him I wanted a divorce. They’re now together, funny that 😂

That's fine, then. He's made it clear that staying in touch with his "mate" is more important than being present with and spending time with his wife. That's his decision made then.

Honestly I would tell him he can move out of the house today, because you are not going to be humiliated by being put second best to his new girlfriend. And mean it, OP. Why should you be put in this position? Tell him to pack a bag and piss off.

She is married and through a mutual friend i understand they have dc.

At two places of work I have become good friends with male co-workers. We often had lunch together, went for an walk and messaged, sometime a lot in the evening if we were discussing something from work, or general gossip! I would normally be sitting next to my husband and regularly tell him what we were chatting about. Bringing him into the gossip!

I needed work friends and these were who I became friends with. With one we spoke about life a bit more, probably because I was getting engaged at that time and they were having babies. We still keep in touch, but not as much as we don’t have the same thing in common- work.

I have been in the same situation with a female co-worker and they are now my best friend- it’s been almost 15 years. The two male ones came afterwards. I believe that my best friend and I formed a deeper bond as our chats were deeper and weren’t primarily based on work.

If my husband had asked me to tone down the male friendships I would have probably been annoyed, and defensive. Because there was nothing going on. I didn’t find them attractive and there was never any indication that they found me attractive. We never exchanged gifts or made inappropriate comments about one another. If this has happened then I would have pulled them up on it and cooled the friendship. I would have reduced the relationship if my husband found it difficult but I would have been annoyed and felt like he didn’t trust me.

You know your husband though, I don’t. I just wanted to provide my reality in this situation.

I was very tempted to do this last weekend when we argued. I’m angry at myself because I wanted to be calm but I ended up crying. He insists there’s nothing to it, I’m being paranoid and controlling and it’s the same as it is with a man so what’s my problem?

Together at lunch & breaks, constant messaging even late at night, weekends, during family gatherings, and when alone with you??

@Needacoffeenow1, you are not being paranoid and controlling. Their level of contact is way too intense and enmeshed. This is an emotional affair. It speaks volumes that he dismisses your discomfort and becomes defensive when you ask him to dial it down. He wants you to stfu and back off.

You both need to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Your H has opened a window to OW and made her his primary relationship. As he is refusing to give her up, I would advise you to give him a sharp shock by sending him away while you weigh your options.

I’m a bit on the fence with this one. I have a male co-worker and we get along really well as mates. Will send each other memes about work sometimes or things about tv programmes we both like. But I 100% do not have any romantic feelings for him whatsoever. He’s just a really good friend. So I find it sad that men and women can’t be friends without someone being jealous. However I do feel there’s a line. We’re not texting each other constantly, especially when spending time with family.

The fact that he constantly tells you it’s ’none of your business’ is the biggest red flag here. He’s telling you indirectly that he doesn’t care if your feelings are hurt. That would be all I’d need to hear to start getting my ducks in a row. Sorry, but I’m not going to be sat still like an easy target as he’s shown you who he is so time to get moving. He can’t have it both ways and I wouldn’t like knowing I’m his second best.

I think you have every reason to be concerned

does he message his male friends the same way keeping in touch with them all the time ? Is he just a really sociable person and he is really treating her no different to his other “mates”

if the answer is yes then I would point out to him that even if it’s innocent friends to him, to the other woman he could well be coming across as more than a mate is he aware he is openly flouting about with a - I think the term is - “work wife”

you are not prepared to be made a fool of, if it’s innocent then you’re sorry but it’s a friendship you want stopping,

what ever you do, don’t sit around and wait for it to go away, if you have suspicions then you can money on others will have too. Maybe go and chat to his other work colleagues if they look guilty or shifty or down right pitying you will have your answer

What was his reaction when you cried? He could visibly see how upset you were and how much this is bothering you

That's just gaslighting, isn't it? She's not a man, she's a woman who he spends time talking to when he's with his wife and family. If it was completely innocent, he would not be spewing this nonsense. He would say, "oh God, I see what you mean, I definitely do speak to her a lot and I can see how that could create the wrong impression. I'm really sorry I've caused you this concern, it was insensitive of me. I'm going to stop messaging outside of work hours."

It's not innocent, though, is it? And he's not listening to you or respecting your marriage. He thinks he can just bully you into accepting his new romantic interest. I would honestly just tell him to leave. I think it would be over for me, more so because of the gaslighting and disrespect than because of the messaging. But the messaging itself is bad enough.

You should do as this poster has said.Your reply is the opposite . You had a row and cried.
Do it calmly and firmly.
If he says no then you know .
For good measure if through in asking for the phone at the end and see that reaction .

I also wanted to add I work in a very male dominated environment. I’m good friends with with one male in particular. He is married, I’ve met his wife, we actually socialise together, and I have a huge amount of respect for his marriage and his family life. So it doesn’t always end the same way my situation did. But my male friend includes his wife in our conversations, there was a profound difference in how he behaves and how my ex husband did.