Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

I’d be worried about this. It doesn’t feel right. Especially the late night texting.

If I ever need to message my boss - and occasionally it is at a weekend or on an evening - it’s usually ‘family emergency will be late tomorrow/ can’t come in tomorrow because of xyz’ and I will get a short response of acknowledgement. Not back and forth jokey stuff. And I get along with my boss really well. But it’s kept professional, always. When that line is crossed there’s no going back.

And I agree with PP, withdraw all cooking & washing for him, and anything else you do for him. Move into spare bedroom if you have one. Start going out with friends more, maybe staying over. Two can play at this game.

They’re taking the piss, I wonder what her own DH thinks of this nonsense.

Get a hold of his phone. I’ve always defended “respecting privacy” until it bit me in the ass. There’s no privacy to be respected when they don’t respect you.

Agree with this. If a partner expressed insecurity over any of my friendships I’d tell them to lump it or fuck off in all honesty. My autonomy to be friends with who I want and talk to them when I want is paramount.

You sound lovely!

I text my friends at evenings and weekends and yes, I might check my phone between courses when out for dinner. Being at home with my partner isn’t some sacrosanct time that I become uncontactable within. And the more a partner complained about a friendship the more resistant and defensive I would get because their behaviour would piss me off. And I would NEVER show a partner my messages under any circumstances. I’ve been in relationships where that’s been demanded and it’s just a sign of the whole thing being toxic and unhealthy. I’d end a relationship before it got to that point. My past experiences mean these are my red lines.

Maybe something untoward is happening with the DH and this woman but ultimately he is correct in saying that he’s entitled to run his social life as he sees fit. The choices are accept it or ship out.

Men and women can be platonic friends. Best friends.

But they don't behave the way your husband is behaving. The secretiveness, the disregard and lack of respect for you and your feelings... I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I had an emotional affair with someone at work once, decades ago. We never crossed any physical line, and I didn't really want to - I didn't particularly fancy him. But I did love him, very very deeply, and I did want to be with him all the time, and the feelings I had for him were more intense than those I had for my boyfriend at the time.

Looking back, it was strange - a rabbithole I fell down so easily, but by stealth. I didn't fancy him. There was no physical attraction on my part. But by the end, I was in deep. It was very confusing.

So giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, he could be as confused as I was. That doesn't change a thing for you though - he's treating you horribly badly. My 'work husband' definitely got the best of me at that time, I thought of him before my boyfriend, I couldn't get enough of him, we went out for lunch every day, he drove me home even though it was miles out of his way, we had a Brangelina-style name bestowed upon us by people at work because it was never one of us, it was always both of us, something we leaned into by signing birthday cards and leaving cards together, like a couple. I know. Pathetic.

If my boyfriend had asked if we were having an affair, I'd have truthfully said no. If he'd asked whether I wanted to, I could also truthfully have said no. I don't think he would have thought to ask the right questions - do you love him as more than a friend? Is he more important to you than me right now?

It's not a part of my life I am proud of, on many levels. My boyfriend deserved so much better, but so did my EA. It ended because he was painfully in love with me and couldn't stand being in my orbit any longer, as friends - so he cut me off dead and moved jobs. It was an absolute fucking mess, and one you're potentially on the edge of.

If she's that good a friend, she should be part of your life too. My husband messages a few of his friends a fair bit. I know them all, we hang out together on occassion. So invite her over for food. Insist on seeing the messages they exchange. If he's twitchy about any of it, it's not you. It's him.

OP pay no attention to this comment whatsoever

So only opinions you approve of are allowed? Righty ho.

This man is taking the piss! No more washing his clothes and cooking his meals. A complete 180 is needed. Stop engaging.

Could you go and stay somewhere for a few days or a week even? He needs to see consequences for disrespecting you.

I also feel like you should tell people, mutual friends or a trusted family member. Get it out in the open. Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Find your anger OP.

@Shewasafaireh yep totally agree - me too - and I doubt many of those saying tough shit they will text whoever they want and whenever have been severely hurt by being bit in the ass or treated like a trusting idiot .

He knows its upsetting you and that it poses a risk to his marriage if he continues. He is choosing to continue probably ..and sorry to say this..because he has a massive crush on her and genuinely thinks about having sex with her or leaving for her. Sorry. So painful op

At thr moment you are trying to persuade him to he reasonable or see your point of view. The next step is setting a boundary even if he maintains his position that nothing is wrong. So you say right this is disrespectful and also dangerous to our relationship. If it continues our relationship is going to have to take a break /end

Its horribly painful op.but this cant go on for you . He is seeing you tearful snd humiliated and keeping lying hiding and pursuing his intimacy with her

He isn't stupid he knows its not right. But he wants to stay in touch with her so has to pretend he thinks its ok

There’s three in your relationship. If there’s nothing to hide, why won’t he show you?

I know, I feel very angry but it comes out in tears.

I found my anger when we argued and he turned round and told me it was all my fault, he was doing nothing wrong at all and shouldn’t get the blame for any of this.

One thing that others have mentioned about friendships - I do genuinely think women can have really platonic friendships with guys whom they have no interest in in any other way - and that’s why some find it hard to not get why these friendships don’t feel right — I know very few men who invest the time in women they aren’t interested in that way to the extent of constant texting , meet ups etc - unless it’s a very very old friend ( like a uni friend from years ago with whom they have friends in common) or someone who can seriously further their career prospects - they can’t usually be arsed!!

Honestly I really feel for you. It makes you feel so unsafe, as though your security blanket has been ripped from you.

The fact he’s being so utterly tone deaf around your pain is a huge red flag. He is prioritising this woman and the contact over you. To be honest it’s not her it’s the ego kibbles and validation he is receiving from this relationship.

It might be worth googling surviving infidelity and their 180 strategy. It’s about creating emotional distance and seeing more clearly. But do get hold of not just friends by Shirley glass it is eye opening.

she means a lot to him

Does he say the same about his male friends?

Short answer - yes, you should be worried. This is either an emotional affair or heading rapidly into that territory.

My DH put me through this for the best part of 2 years and it is only after a lot of soul searching, therapy and cutting complete contact with OW we are now back on track. But our marriage has fundamentally shifted and whilst he now does everything he can to reassure me I can trust him, is open with devices etc I will always hold a tiny bit of resentment, which I try to never show but occasionally rears its head.

He said all the same things to me ‘she’s just a work friend’, ‘I can be friends with a woman without feelings involved’ ‘you’re controlling me by telling me who I can talk to’. I drove myself crazy thinking I was an unsupportive wife for at least 12 months. He was constantly messaging her (she’s very attractive of course), during our time together in the evening, when we were out together, at night in bed together, first thing in the morning. He showed me a few messages at first, then start deleting them, then moved to Snapchat. He swore he wasn’t attracted to her. He even promised to reduce contact a few times but it never lasted long. The thing I really couldn’t forgive, apart from the intrusion into our life together, was he started treating me differently - at a work do where she was there he ignored me and they were giggling like schoolchildren together.

I became a shell of myself, crying all the time. He would get angry and defensive if I asked him to reduce contact, he even said I was ‘holding a gun to his head.’

It took me a long time to realise it would never end. I also managed to get into his email and found some overly flirtatious emails, which he said he’d never send again.

I eventually told him (and meant it) that he has a right to ‘have friends’ and not feel controlled and do what he wants. I also have a right to do what I want - and I don’t want to feel second best, ignored, emotionally unsafe and unhappy. Even if (a big if) you are just friends, it is making me unhappy and my choice is to exit this marriage in the next 5 minutes if you don’t end it with her. He cried and messaged her and cut contact there and then. We then had individual and joint counselling to understand how/why this happened and recommit to our marriage.

Like I said, things are much better but I’m sometimes taken back to the sadness and anger that my best friend could put me through merry hell. He understands this now but says at the time he really couldn’t see beyond his own needs to how much he was hurting me.

I don’t know if this helps, but please know you are not losing your mind. Trust your gut.

This is how my ExH affair began. At one point he was even sat on the bed all day on his laptop messaging her like teenagers!
we’re now divorced and she’s welcome to him! She was very immature and alot younger though!

I honestly think if I did he would meet up with her as I wouldn’t be around to notice.
Nowhere is about just us as a couple anymore. Last month I booked a city break for his birthday just the two of us. Things seemed good but then I noticed he kept finding an excuse to go to the bathroom more than is usual. I thought he was unwell and was worried about him until I heard his phone pinging each time with several messages. I’m assuming it was her because I said something about where’s your phone and he lied and pretended it was in the bedroom.
feel so fu**ing stupid.

This is awful, I wouldn't be ignoring this.
I would tell him he has to prioritise you and if his response is not what you want, I would be ending the marriage.
Sorry this is happening x

Thank you for sharing this and I’m glad for you that things are getting slowly better for you. Everything you said is so like our situation.
The heartbreaking part for me is that I have had this conversation (sort of) and asked him to choose and he has refused to make a decision. I feel so second best it’s unreal.
He just refuses to think he’s doing anything wrong as a married man, that a mad, dramatic, controlling marriage wrecker not her

When I say find your anger, that doesn't mean that you scream and shout at him. Finding your anger is to say mentally say "fuck this, I don't deserve this and I won't stay around to be disrespected'.

That’s actually really triggering. I remember the extended bathroom visits and I’d go onto WhatsApp and he’d be on it, messaging her. I became hyper vigilant and incredibly anxious. And I’d been a ‘cool wife’ before. Absolutely happy for him to be friends with who he wanted and message when he wanted but the change in behaviour was so obvious. NEVER AGAIN.

Please don’t let this ruin your mental health even more. Lines need to be drawn. I know it’s not nice but he needs a shock. I read once you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage. Hated that phrase but get it now.

You need to read the Chumplady website, And do a complete 180. If you're not yet strong enough to give him an ultimatum or ask him to move out please at least withdraw from him emotionally and physically. You just need to look after you now. He's in the throes of a major crush and you can't reach him or get through to him so make yourself unavailable to him. He needs to see what he stands to lose, YOU.