Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

He won’t show me the messages, I asked him last weekend. That’s how the big row started. He said they are private. But there’s nothing in them that should make me upset, so why am I being so unreasonable.
I thought marriage was meant to make you feel safe and secure and loved. I don’t feel any of these things but I imagine she is feeling very happy with this cosy little friendship that he is happy to encourage.

Please read this thread, and then go on to read the second part. This is already well on the way to being an emotional affair, her being married means nothing.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

I have seen some of the work messages sent during the day though as we share a home office and one evening he left his Teams chat up from earlier with her. Nothing inappropriate/hauled into management for but lots of non work related stuff, music, tv shows they like, private jokes. Arranging work night soon out ‘on the lash’ - his words. Nothing about work, partners, children. Trying to impress each other/make each other laugh. There was gossip about some contractors but carefully worded. All felt too intimate.

Hence why I said it’s ’show me or it’s over’ stage – but only you can decide that.

It appears drastic, yes, but realistically what’s the alternative? Are you now supposed to let this play out and feel this unhappy for the rest of your life? That’s equally as drastic. So, for me, I think it’s time to start accepting the inevitable.

Of course a marriage is supposed to make you feel safe and loved. If he’s not going to provide that for you, and instead provide it for another woman, be she a ‘friend’ or not, then as difficult as it is, you have your answer.

They both know what line they are treading. They are making an active choice in this.

Yes exactly. I have a male friend at work. Sometimes we text at the weekend. Our texts go something like

Him: how was your run
Me: good. Managed 10k
Him: well done. (Wife) did half marathon yesterday.

It's max 10 texts and not flirty and always mentions wife, he also sends pic of him and wife doing whatever activity. I can't imagine us texting into a Saturday night.

Can you get hold of the phone and check the messages?

I just don’t want to be that person. I think it’s become more about how I feel about them and his reaction to it now. It’s be tempting but to be honest I think he would have deleted anything anyway.

Doesnt matter what anyone says, you have told him it upsets you and he has chosen to continue to speak to her. He has chosen another woman over your relationship. Thats all there is to it. He has no respect for your marriage. Im so sorry op. He is an absolute shit.

He’s having an emotional affair

If asking him to cut contact with another woman is causing an issue and he hasn’t just straight up gone sorry I didn’t realise how this looks and stopped, you have a big issue.

Nip this in the bud asap before it goes any further. Lay a hard boundary and stick to the consequences if he violates it.

I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

This did not start out as an emotional affair but it’s certainly become one. Your h has had his head turned and this has also happened because of the amount of time they’ve spent together. It has created a closeness and emotional connection. His energy that should be going into your marriage is going on her instead. She’s no friend to your marriage and she’s also his ego fluffer.

I would tell your h to leave the marital home because you need time and space away from him. Show him what the loss of you means .

Do read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Why would you looking at his phone be so bad considering the damage he has done to your marriage already?.

He won’t show me the messages, I asked him last weekend. That’s how the big row started. He said they are private. But there’s nothing in them that should make me upset, so why am I being so unreasonable.

I am of the opinion that there is nothing really private in marriage. If my husband is upset by my actions then I’ll do anything to help understand why. We have open phone policies to an extent.

If my DH wanted to look through my phone I would let him, however unhappy that made me because I have nothing to hide. If he was constantly asking to look or snooping then we would have a problem and this would mean we would have a big sit down about what he’s looking for and what he thinks I’m doing, and how his behaviour isn’t okay.

If I asked to look through his phone and he said no, we would have a big, big issue. IMO that tells you everything you need to know. He’s already picked her.

I have a lot of contact with a good friend who is a male colleague inside of work hours but it's pretty rare for us to message outside of work.

Reasons we would be in touch outside of works hours are if it's an urgent work related thing or a significant personal event; ie. he would message me on my birthday if it wasn't a work day. If something important was going on with one of the kids he might message me about it on a w/e.

I think it's unreasonable he is giving her so much of his time and attention when you are together and it's also unreasonable that he can't see that.

OP you know there’s more to it than what he’s saying. It’s a tale old as time. He will probably delete stuff now you are on to him and this way lies madness trying to get proof, believe me I know.

I had the same but the women at work was two decades older so at first I didn’t think much of it if anything maybe she was just the mothering type. Anyway long storey short they were having a two year affair we broke up and he’s with her now.

He would fly off at my request to minimise contact out of work hours. The simplest of requests were treated as if I was asking for the world and looking back that’s when I should have known for sure.

I think the majority of men are pretty simple if they’re not hiding things and most wouldn’t want the agro of their wife being upset with them and would respect her wishes. He’s acting offended and doubling down and the reason why is they are at least, emotionally enmeshed in one another and he’s not willing to give that up.

Him not showing you the messages as well. In my case mine did but after he deleted many of them. Wasted so much time over it.

What will probably happen next is ‘ you pushed me to’ we were just friends but you kept pushing at me and you’re so controlling. Whatever narrative works for them.

No one can know for certain the nature of this "friendship". However, if my DH reacted the way yours has in such a situation, alarm bells would be ringing and I would be having a serious conversation with him to calmly set out the facts (basically what you have said here) and telling him that he can prioritise this "friendship" that hurts his wife or he can prioritise his wife. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know to decide on next steps. I am very sorry you are in this position. Find your anger.

To answer your question: yes you should be very worried. Late night texts, constant texts, refusing to show you. That would be enough for me to tell him that you wanted a separation and that you were letting your family know why, including DD. He has to live with the consequences of his decisions.You need to start telling people so it is not hidden. He needs to feel some heat and some reality. Do not hide his shitty behaviour. Sunlight destroys this stuff. you do not have to accept this.

I agree with this: it's his disregard for you what's most concerning.
Trust your gut.

I really don’t think your H likes you much OP anymore - it’s not just the behaviour it’s the fact he doesn’t care it’s upset you - so I would be making plans I’m afraid - who wants to stay with someone who would rather quite clearly be elsewhere- it’s sad and unsettling but oh so common - my H had a period like this 20 years ago, it stopped at some point after about 8 months because I got wind of it and in his case he did I know like me a lot, he just enjoyed the buzz of having someone young and pretty messaging him when he was 41 and liked the secretive aspect . Classic mid life crisis

I asked him who he wanted to prioritise and he said it’s me but (there’s always a ‘but’) he’s not going to stop being friends with her and being in touch. That she means a lot to him.

He’s a grown up and he can choose his own social circle. I don’t know what to say to that. I suppose my question is why choose her when he knows what that does to me? I’m in tears nearly every few days knowing how he quickly closes his phone or his computer screen down when I walk past or when we’re out, goes off to the bathroom to so obviously text or call her.

He’s clearly having an emotional affair - you’re well within your rights to ask him to stop. If you have to fight for even that; it shows you how far he has ‘gone’ from being reasonable.

How would he like it if you did the same? If he didn’t hear me and respond appropriately ie stopping contact and/or moving jobs; I would find a nice male colleague who also needed to be regularly kept in touch with to show your husband what utterly dick behaviour this is within a marriage. You do not have to accept this if it’s a red line for you!!! Maybe give him a few moths then ask him to move out if no change… Xox

By continuing to message her (despite knowing how this makes you feel) he is prioritising her over you.

He needs a very clear wake-up call and an understanding of what the consequence of continued messaging will mean.

I would definitely be concerned, and would agree it definitely seems like it has the potential to turn into an emotional affair, or worst, if it hasn't yet.
If he wont show you the messages to give you peace of mind I would be massively concerned. Innocent people don't usually have to object much when they have evidence to prove their innocence.
It could be nothing more than a friendship, but why not let you see that with your own eyes?