Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

This. Including the book recommendation.
This friendship has overstepped normal work boundaries and is impacting your marriage.

Slamming the laptop closed and going to the bathroom to call someone when you’re married is not grown up behaviour!

Theres no way I’d be tolerating this. He’s treating you like a doormat.

He is gaslighting you, don't fall for it.
I really recommend talking to people who know you both about it. Yes it'll be poking the bear but it'll shine a light on it all for both you and give you a more grounded insight.
A husband who was a nice guy and suddenly is off with you when you try and get in the middle of their 'friendship' is a typical red flag. It was my experience and we see it all the time in affair threads here I'm afraid.

Sending a hug, this stuff is brutal.

This is an affair OP, even if it isn't physical yet. You're justified in feeling how you do. This is not innocent and if it was he would prioritise you.

The question is whether you can live like this.

I hope you've stopped doing everything for him. laundry, meals, everything. He is cosying up with this woman at every single opportunity. He is utterly disrespectful of you and your marriage. withdraw all wifely support and services and then have a serious chat. It's ultimatum time.

If he won't show you the messages and closes his screen down when you walk past then that tells you everything you need to know.

If he won't give up her friendship then your marriage is over. He is putting her ahead of you.

If their phone behaviour changes, then they have something to hide.

But he isn't prioritising you. This relationship is impacting your marriage and you personally, and he won't do anything about it.
He is already choosing the friendship over you.
You need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and put some firm boundaries in place that you are ready and willing to hold.
Mine in this situation would be that he's not contacting her during your couple/ family time and that the messages aren't kept secret.
That's an entirely reasonable starting point and don't let him convince you otherwise xx

Is it the same as his male friends would you agree OP? For me that would be the decider on how worried I was. My husband isn’t a big texter really, he’s not someone who is glued to his phone and is more a “if you want to speak to me you’re best off ringing” kind of person, so if he was behaving like this with a woman I’d be concerned because I’d know it was not the usual. If your husband is someone who is a big texter and does have these same chats & volume of chats with his other male friends then I’d be less worried.

I do think though at the point your partner is unhappy with behaviour like this and raises it, the response speaks volumes.

Sorry for the flurry of posts from me, I've been responding as I'm reading and I'm mad on your behalf!
My husband had an affair, which we are recovering from. But for what it's worth he had a male work friend who was impacting our life in a similar way to your husbands friendship - so whilst in your situation there is rhe obvious risk of an affair that's not all there is to it.
Hu dh and his male friend were calling and texting at all hours and even that was impactful. At one point we actually sat having dinner as a family while he spent the entire meal on the phone to said friend. Obviously it was nothing sexual (my dh is straight, and I knew the male colleague) but it still got in the way of our family life and we had to put better boundaries in place.

Sorry for the flurry of posts from me, I've been responding as I'm reading and I'm mad on your behalf!
My husband had an affair, which we are recovering from. But for what it's worth he had a male work friend who was impacting our life in a similar way to your husbands friendship - so whilst in your situation there is rhe obvious risk of an affair that's not all there is to it.
Hu dh and his male friend were calling and texting at all hours and even that was impactful. At one point we actually sat having dinner as a family while he spent the entire meal on the phone to said friend. Obviously it was nothing sexual (my dh is straight, and I knew the male colleague) but it still got in the way of our family life and we had to put better boundaries in place.

Those of you defending him: Really??
He texts this woman in the evening, at weekends and when he’s out for dinner with his family.
He won’t show his wife the messages. He deliberately hides his phone when the woman texts.
He says she means a lot to him.
He gets angry when confronted about it.
None of this is how an ordinary workplace friendship works.
@Needacoffeenow1 You are absolutely not being paranoid or controlling.

This is really impacting on you and it's not fair.

I'd be telling my DH, he may not agree but this situation is hurting me and I need something to change. (The shutting down phone when you walk in a room is horrid).

I'd ask for time out of your relationship. whilst hes there continually messaging her, its upsetting you. He's not respectful. It's an emotional affair and it would be still that if it was Dave in accounts he was continually messaging. Does he shut his phone down when it's one of the guys?

Trust your instinct. She is more than just a workmate. He is hiding what he is saying to her and trying to make out you are paranoid. Something is definitely wrong.
If he can't even acknowledge he is hurting you that says a lot.

Jesus OP, this is awful. Are you saying that he sees you like this every day and still continues? This is not OK

I would ask to see the conversations whilst you are sat in same room and immediately - if they aren’t there then he’s deleting - why would he do that? Just say it’s not sitting well with you and you want to see them , if there’s nothing out of order then it isn’t a big issue is it ! If the boot was on the other foot I’m pretty sure he would feel uncomfortable

Op, I'm sorry this is happening to you, he clearly is showing no mercy as your hurt is growing.
Make an appointment with the GP, a female one, many of them really understand your situation, you arn't being paranoid, you are being excluded. I should imagine other people who he works with are noticing their closeness as well.

I agree this needs sunlight, tell those who are close to you, you need support although the next step is him going underground and lying further, going on different apps, burner phones etc, it becomes a cat and mouse game.
Sounds like he's shutting you down after discussing this, if he becomes aggresive call the police, this is the very thing that can trigger domestic violence, it's not harmless it's brutal, wounding and shows a sadistic nature in those who minimise affairs.

Are you still sleeping together ?
You need to stop helping him, ask him to leave, many like this ultimatum as it creates more freedom for them but I suppose she is married, do you have her husband's details.
This looks like it won't end by you being upset or asking nicely but you can make him uncomfortable and steer the narrative back, he will try to shame you into submission, don't fall for that, his behaviour is wrong.

Would your DH be comfortable with you having a male "Friend where you gave the same attention as your DH is to this work mate? I doubt it. He may say he would be to protect what he has with this woman, and that is also quite telling, how protective he is on what he is doing, and then gashlighting you into thinking you are the one with the issue.

I went through a similar thing about 15 years ago with my husband.

'Work wife' (gag), prioritising his friendship with her, chatting at all times of the day and night, wouldn't agree that the friendship was an emotional affair, 'I can have female friends blah, blah, blah...'

It came to a head when one of my oldest school friends died and he was off comforting his friend about a headache. I told him to chose between his wife or his girlfriend and I got the same old crap. Anyway, his phone broke and she had the nerve to ring the house phone at like half 10 at night and I absolutely let rip at her and him and told him to leave.

He dropped her like a hot turd when I packed his bag. They're no longer friends. He has other female friends but there are boundaries.

Don't put up with it op.

My best friend is a man who I met at work.
We message almost everyday and just have a constant conversation going.
We regularly call each other on the phone and meet up.
We are very close and I know that men and women can be completely platonic.

However, your DHs behaviour is completely unacceptable.
He shouldn’t be sneaking off to the bathroom to text her and you shouldn’t be in tears about it.

You have no choice but to decide whether you want to continue with this relationship and then give him an ultimatum.

You are not asking for no contact.
You are just asking that he respects your feelings.

It is so reassuring to hear people say they find this behaviour wrong too. For the last few months I have been turning it over and over, thinking I am controlling, jealous, manipulative, that I am ruining everything and that I am soley responsible for the downtown our marriage is taking. He has said all these things when we rowed last weekend.
I’ve only talked about this with my sister but she lives abroad and I feel very alone and that I am in the wrong.

Yes, exactly this.

What's the housing situation? If the house is yours, I'd ask him to leave. He needs a short sharp shock.

And you say they're going on a works do soon - on the "lash"? Nah, fuck that.

You DO need to look at those messages - there's nothing wrong with this, at this point. He hasn't helped you to feel better, so it's time to put yourself first now.

Fwiw, when I thought my first H was cheating, I did look at his phone, and found the evidence. I was in self preservation mode.

With my current DH, I didn't like how much he and a colleague were messaging. Now, they weren't flirty, and it was only when they were bored on nightshift, things like sending pics of their dinner etc, but it just felt like too much messaging. I told DH how uncomfortable it made me, and he's not sent her one message since - yes, I check!

Never ever be afraid to take care of your own interests. If that means snooping, that's fine. You don't want to be blindsided when he's 10 steps ahead of you.

I hope it's nothing Op, but you do need to check those messages.

I would ask him to read not just friends.

And you're a grown up who decides who she lives with/is married to and that's not someone who disrespects her and cares less for her feelings.

It could well be that there is no EA going on and they are just friends sending each other memes etc, but that doesn't make it right. Whatever the nature of their relationship the issue is that he is prioritising her over you.