Woman at DH work - should I be worried?

[Needacoffeenow1]

NC for this. Me and DH been together for many years and have grown up DD who is at uni. Over the last year it’s very obvious he has got increasingly close to a woman at work. They’ve known each other for a while but now work on the same project so see each other during the day, often take their breaks and lunch together. Sometimes this is in a small group with others but they are the constant in that. He says they are mates but they text each other at all times, late evenings, weekends. He was even (briefly) replying to her at my mum’s birthday dinner.
I’ve asked him what the messages are about but he gets annoyed and brushes it off like I’m being an annoyance. He says it’s jokes about the day etc. I’m not so sure. It’s like they need to keep in touch. Feels teenager-ish but he’s middle-aged!
I don’t know if I’m being overly suspicious or not. He’s never done anything in the past that means I should be concerned but this is a new development…
Last weekend I said I found it upsetting and asked him to minimise the out of office hours contact. That it’s especially hurtful that he’s is doing this with her even when we are in the same room on should be a cosy evening together but he gets huffy.
dont know what to do but I know it’s starting to wreck things between us and making me feel very insecure.

ABSOLUTELY THIS!

Finding your anger is quiet resolve that you will not be treated like this. You will not be sidelined. You will not become a bit part in their drama. You will not be the third to their triangle!

My opinion is that if YOU are unhappy then HE should be taking this seriously and not brushing aside your feelings.

If he won't show you the messages nor will he take your feelings into account then I think he's having an affair, either emotional or physical or both and you no longer matter to him

What would he say if you told him you want joint mediation with a view to possible divorce?

I can’t imagine another man being as important to me as him. I really can’t.
when things are good we are so great together but then the phone comes out or he’s late back from work and my stomach twists.
he never wants to touch me anymore he says it’s because how I’ve been with him. That if I can’t trust him then this is what happens.
They are working on a project next month that involves them and the rest of the team staying somewhere overnight. I just can’t deal with the thought of that but he says I have to trust him as there is nothing going on.

It's totally inappropriate and he knows it. Why else go to the bathroom to text her? Don't let him fob you off with excuses, you are not being controlling, you are his wife and he needs to put you first, not this friend. As if he would behave that way with a man, which heterosexual man would text a male mate secretly and late at night? That would be even weirder really.
The more he gets defensive the more you need to push. I have been in a similar situation and I wish I'd made more of a fuss sooner. It really is not ok when they are texting each other on holiday.

The more you post the more I’m thinking this is a full blown affair. He is withdrawing affection to make you toe the line and shut up. He’s keeping you on eggshells. Anxious and nervous rather than show you compassion, empathy and kindness. This is abusive behaviour.

He doesn’t sound like a lovely man at all.

Even if the female colleague were just a friend, your DH wouldn't be spending so much time texting her. From that assertion alone, it's clear he's talking nonsense.

I have absolutely no issues with my DH having female friends. He’s friends with my female friends and has female work friends. But that’s because he is very open about it all. If he’s messaging one of them he’ll often say “listen to what Jane has just said blah blah blah”.

It’s your DH’s reaction and secrecy wrt what they are talking about that would worry me. Having a private relationship with another woman isn’t on.

@Needacoffeenow1 but there is something going on and that night away is going to fully 100% seal the deal. You need to end it now. If he really wanted or wants your marriage to work then the thought of you asking him to leave should strike fear into him and he would cut contact with her outside of work in seconds. He wont and you know this. Do this now before you become a shell of yourself. He is already choosing another woman over you.

This reminds me so much of a recent thread that I hope you don't mind me linking - maybe you will find it helpful as there was a lot of good advice on there too
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

I've just seen your update about him not touching you due to you not trusting him. That's convenient for him isn't it! A nice excuse not to let anything interfere with his closeness to his "friend". I am sorry you're going through this. It looks very much like he's already sleeping with her from this update. Could you contact her husband? I would throw everything at this, if you want to stay with him he needs to know what he'd be losing.

Not RTFT yet but this stands out to me. My husband said all the same things about his female work colleague when I was unhappy with the relationship they had. He cut her out for a bit and then told.me he was unhappy as he didn't have any friends here (we'd moved back to where my family lived but apart from them I didn't have any friends here either) and he wanted to be able to be friends with her again.

They have been living together for about 9 years now.

Sorry, but this is all wrong and there’s probably something going on (or one or both of them wishes there was).

It’s because I’ve been really upset about them going away next month. He said I either trust him or I don’t. I said I don’t know what to think because he is so secretive and that’s when he pushed me away (gently, when I was going to hold his hand)

I bet they're counting down the days to the overnight work trip 😔

I agree with this, OP needs to get this all out in the open quickly and let the other woman's husband know, it might be too late but I would throw everything at it now, no more hiding in bathrooms. Let him deal with the anger of the woman's husband.

I don’t know anything about the husband. Or how to contact him. Or her. If I went down that avenue I think we would definitely have no future.

You don’t have to do anything. Personally I’d go full grey rock and completely disengage. Cool as a breeze.. ice cold. Hopefully this will shock him into action when the thought of actually losing you guys home. Currently he has two women competing for his attention and one clear winner. i think you are in real trouble here and if you want to save your marriage begging won’t help .. I suspect it will have the opposite effect. At the moment he has all the power .. time to take some back.

Yes my sister said similar. He has wife and nice home and can enjoy the flattering attention of an attractive woman who clearly thinks he’s wonderful and hosts his ego. All the time while I’m at home washing his socks and feeling like crap

Sorry what is grey rock?

Completely ignore him. No attention of any kind.

In that case an ultimatum is needed, that you can stick to, and make it clear this stops or the marriage is over. It doesn't sound like he is willing to give her up, really sorry OP. Contacting the husband is just something I would do, these things carry on in secret, so getting it out in the open is best.

Please stop washing his socks or dirty undies! Just stop all of it. Go out, go see friends and family for support, go please yourself. You need nurturing and building up by people who love you

I agree with contacting the husband. FWIW affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark. Give her something to do ie dealing with her husbands awareness, instead of texting your husband late into the night. And then tell him to leave. Honestly he is not a lovely man. Pushing you away when you are seeking reassurance is a nasty, grim thing to do.

Even if I could, I have no idea what I would say to her husband?
I have plenty of things I would like to say to her but short of going to their office which would be humiliating, I can’t contact her

Yes give him a glimpse of what will happen if he continues with this behaviour. Some people dont appreciate what they have until its gone, until the cold reality hits.