Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

To further add;

Teen A will not be visiting and does not want to be involved in partners life - this has been this way since initial visitation was granted.

Teen B will be doing mid week and weekends, Teen B has been having 1 day every 2 weeks but no overnight visits with partner for about 3 months now.

You’re hitting your head against brick wall.

How DARE he kick you out every weekend!

go back to your parents, get a new job and blank this bloke. He’s treating you like a booty call.

you are worth more than this.

The fact one of his kids doesn’t want anything to do with him would be enough of a red flag for me regardless of the absolutely farcical situation he now expects you to adhere to.

Hes taking the piss - is this really a man you want to waste your life with?

He's telling you who comes first and it's his kids.

Time to find a new place to live. Can he help you financially with rent as he hasn't given you much notice to find a place?

Can you stay at his during the week, go to the library on the midweek day his kid comes, then go to your parents on the weekend until you find a place?

I am sumising here;

I think teen A cannot accept their parents split up and are no longer together. Teen A struggles with bullying in school, Teen A then took an overdose and ended up in hospital for a week.

Teen A won’t even speak to their other parent they live with, Teen A has been referred to CAMHS but was discharged as they would not speak or engage with anyone.

I feel partner is concerned that if Teen B was told, Teen A would take another overdose and I feel I would ultimately get the blame for this.

I would move out and rent local to your job.

There seems to be a massive breakdown with the relationship with his children, so I do understand his need to put them first. Introducing a new woman to their lives would probably be to the detriment of commencing this new arrangement.
However, why have you not been mentioned to them? You say a new relationship, but have you not been together 2 years or have i understood that incorrectly?
This sounds a total mess and I think I would be leaving and letting him crack on to build a good future with his kids.

Huge alarm bells here.

He's possibly not being entirely honest with you on a number of things. Is he definitely 100% separated from the children's mum?

Get out while you can. Or if you're not going to get out, then you need to hold your line and insist on being there even if the kids are.

What a horrible thing to ask you to do.

I think it is right that your DP prioritises his DC, and right that you move out.

Whether you want to continue a relationship with him is up to you. Realistically this was always going to be on the cards so in theory you shouldn’t be surprised but in practice, of course, it’s different.

Please look after yourself.

To add, he should prioritise his kids and I think you should move out. My child attends CAMHS and it's extremely stressful. They need our support and attention.
I don't think you've done anything wrong but he is right to put them first.

I think you're right to move out. I'd get on spareroom.co.uk to find a M-F lodging so you can finish your degree. Definitely don't give up on that with weeks to go.

I'm sorry he's a selfish idiot.

Isn’t your house full of your possessions? Are you expected to remove every trace of you?

I think he’s making it all up and has another woman.

This is a messy messy family - and tbh I can see why your partner is being so anxious and twitchy about you.

Easy for me to say now, but I fear a parent not in any contact with their dcs would make me very cautious.

But no you are not unreasonable to want a home that is yours 24/7. Suppose you accidentally left a critititem at home when dc was there?

Its a ridiculous state of affairs and this bloke is clearly in no position to be in any kind of serious relationship. You can't expect him to do something he fears will imperil child As clearly already terrible mental health - whether he is right or wrong, he's clearly and understandably petrified.

If I were you I'd simply rent my own place (however tiny) to commute to work and complete your course, and leave your dp to try to be a father. You simply won't be able to have anything resembling a normal satisfying worthwhile relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Not an option I would have to find somewhere open until 9/9.30pm.

I have had to move out already, come Monday I potentially will be jobless as well.

I wouldn’t be able to do the job I do now as I wouldn’t be able to qualify, I had my final exam in October, it cannot be transferred to another establishment as it is through my workplace.

There would be no help with rent.

You can't be forcing him to choose. He's already chosen. He chose his kids. His suggestion is ridiculous. I'd be putt off by the lack of spine. I'm impressed he's chosen his kids and doesn't want his new partner around them. But he lets himself down by not simply ending things, and trying to have you around when it suits him.

I'd also be put off by the mother of his kids and one of his kids having nothing to do with him. Raising a child completely alone is difficult, so he must be awful for her to not want him around. Cutting off parents is also very difficult, and never done lightly.

This relationship will only degrade you from here on out.

We lived together, in our own home. Not the martial home where they and the children lived.

Brining me up to the children was always on the cards, me meeting the children was always on the cards.

Until the time has come and now I am facing losing my job and have lost my house and had to move out.

Would you be able to do what he has requested short term so you can finish your studies. I would be tempted to put up with it till study is done and then take myself out of the equation.

He is trying to put the children first which is expected but it isnt going to be an easy situation for you.

No cheating, no one else on the cards, I am 100% certain about. I can access partners phone at any time, there is nothing untoward going on.

When partner is with teen B, I get photos of what they are doing / updates.

There is no slinking about or “just popping out” when we are not at work, we are at home together, going on holiday, renovating the house. We rarely do anything apart.

If my degree relied on it I would go along with dp's suggestion for the short time until I'd finished my exams.

Yes it's a pain to leave the house until 9.30pm but it's not for long now if I understand your op, you could go to the gym or cafe and then sit in your car on your phone or read a book until home time.

Then once you have your degree you can review the situation and relationship.

I have had a look even for a HMO in our area you are looking around £650 p/m for a room without bills. A studio or 1 bed flat goes for about £850 p/m without bills.

As I am unqualified therefore on a starting wage, along with my other expenses, this is not something I can afford, nor do I have savings for a deposit.

Your partner is doing what is right for him and his kids.
You need to do what is right for you.
By hook or by crook, you need a plan to get you to October with the training funding. Focus on that right now - getting the qualifications needs to be your priority. Once you are qualified, find a job, and get rid of him.

Do whatever you can to finish your course and qualification, even if it means hardly seeing him. That should be your priority as once you are done with it you will have more options and be in a better place overall.

I actually think your partner is not being unreasonable. His kids have clearly been through a lot and are hugely struggling. He's right to put them first.

Maybe agree to talk it through again after a few months.

Just to say, 4 hours a day commute is doable short term and you have a goal and end point in mind. I do it twice a week indefinitely, and while I appreciate every day is different you can manage it short term by building in time to destress and exercise at the end of the day. You can do this.

OK.

Why doesn't he rent a small place to have the dc over to instead?

This seems a more sensible proposal.

It's so unfair on you to kick you out of you're own home.

If you don't want to travel to parents every weekend could you afford a BandB just 2 nights a week. You might get a good rate forcevery week. You pay 1 night and partner pays the other. It seems such a waste to throw away your job and degree.