Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

So wouid he physically push /drag you out of your house

if he does you call the police

I am not allowed

tell him bollocks

he is not legally allowed to do what he is doing but you LET AND ALLOW IT @Quackduck

The same answers keep coming up:

1- assert your right to use your house that YOU OWN
2- contact DV support services
3- get legal advice

@Quackduck there isn’t another option apart from what you’re doing right now, which you’ve said isn’t sustainable. You will have to do one or more of the options pp keep on suggesting to you.

What a sad situation. Getting together with a man with dependent children of any age is fraught.

My honest opinion? He is right to priotise his children especially with the severe mental health issue, the attempted suicide and the fragile relationship. He's probably terrified.

Building that relationship again must be his number one concern, and sadly you're a casualty of that.

But his behaviour is abusive coercive control and he doesn't have to be violent for it to be so. You co own the house. He cannot require you to leave your home. Get some legal advice.

You left your own network behind for this precarious happiness - work on rebuilding it.

He’s taking the pi££ and you are low priority to him. Maybe he’s not a bad person and I’m sure you love him but he’s got no room in his life for a relationship. Why you have to be kept a secret after 2 years together is beyond me. Is the ex wife aware of you?

I'm afraid you're wrong on this one. A lady was recently charged for "dishonesty under the Fraud Act 2006", for this same thing. She told the council she was homeless, but her name was on the deeds along with her sister for a house.

Just because you are "not allowed" access to the home you own, does not make you temporarily homeless. Because legally you ARE allowed access to the home. Your partner who IS abusing you by the way, is the one "not allowing" you access, but legally, he has no right to do so.

You only have two options here:

1. Get him to buy you out.
2. Go to court to force a sale.

He's not going to want to sell if his parents live in an annex, that's so messy. Unlikely he'll buy you out though, so you've likely only got option 2 to be able to get yourself out of this mess.

This partner is abusive, he is controlling when you can access your own home. I'd be reporting him to the police. I know you won't do that though.

Lying to your kids and hiding evidence of another person isn’t prioritising them in the slightest though. He’s a weak willed twat, his kids don’t seem to like him and are only spending time with him because the court says they have to.

The problem that everyone is struggling with and trying to help you see is that your partner does not have the legal right to say you are not allowed in your property. So legally, you are not homeless. You cannot be evicted from a house you own.

If you feel unsafe in your home then the only thing you can do is involve the police. You can then claim homelessness due to fleeing DV. But even then, without kids in tow you would be placed on a very long waiting list I imagine.

@Quackduck You are being abused. Abuse does not just mean physical abuse, You are being emotionally, mentally and financially abused.

I would be contacting the family court and telling them the truth if it were me (although i would never date a man with kids and i hope this thread makes others think twice) because as PPs say it seems like they dont want to see him anyway and they are being forced.

Look, if my partner told me I was categorically not allowed in a house that I paid half of and was equal owner of in the eyes of the law I would tell him to get stuffed. What would he do if you refused to leave? If he could becomg aggressive then that's another issue. You categorically cannot declare yourself as homeless while you own a property that you have the LEGAL RIGHT to enter. Your ex simply cannot stop you.

You need to call Shelter or Crisis and tell them your situation. There are exemptions for people in abusive relationships or fleeing violence but those people usually have proof that they can't stay in their owned property by way of police reports.

Could It be that the court decided you/ or any partner are not allowed to be present when the teenagers are having contact with their parent so something your partner has to stick to. Maybe your partner has to show he has a stable home for contact to take place, so needs to happen at your home. From experience I know this is often the case if children have not had contact with the non resident parent for a period of time. Also no court would or can force a child to have contact with the other parent especially teenager's given it could effect their mental well being.

Surely the DP would have said if that was a stipulation though. It’s very rare that the court would give a shit about a new partner being present so I doubt it’s the case. And it’s still out of order even if the court had said that - the DP doesn’t have his own place, he shares with the OP. If the court says he has to be on his own with the children at all times then he needs to find somewhere of his own and buy her out.
Im guessing he lied to CAFCASS and said he had his own place. Just like he’s lying to his kids.

Part of me is thinking OP should just tell CAFCASS what is happening, her ex-partner has obviously lied to them.

He had his own place which he chose to rent out rather than live there so it didn't ned to happen at OP's home or anywhere else other than the home he already owns. . It would be interesting to hear the Op's DP's ex's side of why they split up....I've no doubt that version will be completely different to what the OP's been told.

@Glowingup
Whether it's co owned or not it is still a stable home with his name on the deeds( along with partner.) It's by no means fair but the court is only interested in the welfare of the children. The court will and does take into consideration any partner when contact has not happened for a period of time, if the other parent does not agree with the partner being present is reasonable in the circumstances. Its an awful position to be in. Finding somewhere of his own is easier said than done, as OP is realising in her situation. Not wanting to tell his kids for a period of time is reasonable but definitely should be a agreement of when to tell them.

Finding somewhere of his own is easier said than done,

He has somewhere of his own, he just chooses not to live there. If he was really that bothered about seeing his DC, he would have remained in his house and applied for contact then, but instead he gets OP to "help" him get a house, "help" him apply to the court and now "help" him by moving out. The man is a knob and my guess is his plan is working out just fine for him.

Exactly. Not OPs circus Not OPs monkeys

Would the family court expect the partner to just fuck off out of it as the OP has been doing.

I really doubt this was stipulated by the court. I have a lot of experience in this area and where the kids don’t even know of the existence of the partner, why would a judge specify that she shouldn’t be present? The only way I can see that happening is if the children themselves object to a new partner being there. Plus if that had been done, then the children’s mother would know about the OP’s existence and would (from what’s been said here about false allegations etc) have told the children.
If he doesn’t have a place that he thinks is suitable for contact then he has to see them outside the home, which is what he had been doing until recently when the contact moved into the home.

They really wouldn’t. It’s an issue that comes up time and again on these boards but basically the family court generally couldn’t care less if someone gets a new partner (unless that new partner is proven to be dangerous and abusive). I doubt the OP has ever been mentioned in any of the court proceedings because if she had, the kids would likely know about her. This idiotic arrangement has been decided on by the OP’s DP, not the court.

@Quackduck could his parents buy you out of your share to enable you to get out of this mess? Because it is not a relationship if he bans you from your home (and for many other reasons). You said yourself you consider it done, so I would try and ger things moving if you can. The more you tell us (about DP going round hiding stuff because you didn’t do it well enough) the better.

You know, someone could anonymously send a letter to the ex/kids telling them what’s what and how it is half your house. Then you could at least get back in the house because there would be no point once the cat’s out the bag, if it isn’t already.

If you went back to the house and simply don’t leave, what would happen? Would he try and manhandle you out?

Op as much as you want to think there are nuances in homelessness, the legislation that the councils go by is very clear cut. You are automatically ineligible for temporary or long term housing from them if your name is on the deeds to a property unless there are very specific criteria - eg if the home is uninhabitable due to fire or flood, or in an established case of domestic abuse.
There's a chance you could potentially prove coercive control based on what you've posted, but it would have to be a real, current threat, not a 'what it' due to your experience in a previous relationship with a different partner. Living in a home where things are tense or your (ex) partner is annoyed about is a situation that housing would expect you to put up with until the house is sold - it's more common than you might think when couples separate.
The vulnerabilities you mention won't make a difference if you're not eligible to start with. It might mean you get a bit more time and sympathy from a housing officer, but it won't over ride the basic eligibility criteria.

For the love of fuck, what do you mean when you say he ‘physically won’t let’ you in the vicinity of your own OWNED home?

Exactly. He's coining in a nice income on his rented out property, whilst getting OP to "help" him finance another property for him to live in, help him see his kids etc whilst she sofa surfs half the week like a hobo - absolute madness, the partner is a psychopath and OP needs to:-

report his threat of violence to the police
move back in, to the box room and ignore the twat
put the house on the market
finish her course
move on with her life

Yeah I think the truly abusive nature of the relationship has become clear. I think his kids are just the method by which he can hijack the property.

OP is still not legally homeless so her next step is a court order. An occupation order on the basis of breakdown of relationship/dispute between co-owners may be possible.

On what are you basing your statements? No court would order that a third party unconnected to the proceedings be excluded. They might say the dad has to have his own place, but that’s a him problem and doesn’t bind the @Quackduck , who is still allowing this to happen.