Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

Op what would happen if you said no! No you move out instead on those days?

If he can afford to move out and rent that seems better. Then sell house and split equity and walk away.

Why did he ask for this type of visitation that he knew his current life does not facilitate? It’d be like him asking for it when knowing he works weekends and needs to now change jobs. How did he not discuss all this with you.

OP he is being unreasonable but you need to prioritise your job and your degree. Do not put yourself in a position that you are going to lose job and degree even if that means sucking it up for a while until you have your ducks in a row! The petrol to parents is expensive but it’s only a few weeks to go - if possible could your parents loan you the money? Just focus on yourself now - degree and job is what matters here rather than if partner is right or wrong - just keep head down for now until you can get your financial security and future employability secured.

So you co-own the house with a mortgage? And you've had to move out? Surely he needs to buy you out.

Buying the OP out or forcing the sale of the house will take weeks or months.

The immediate problem is getting to work on Monday.

did u buy the house together, or rent?

@Quackduckwhy are you losing your job ?
Did you buy the house together ?

Did you share the mortgage payments. Could you stop and use that for petrol or 2 nights accommodation?

If you co-own the house, he can't force you out.

Is he still expecting you to pay your share of the mortgage and bills, even though he won't let you live there?

This man is a selfish bastard and you have done the right thing leaving. He is right to do whatever it takes to rebuild his relationship with his children, and I would support that he doesn’t have a new partner around, especially with ten circumstances you describe, but he had no right to encourage you to set up life with him while his priorities were still elsewhere.

He always knew he was going to do this to you at some point but didn’t care as long as he wasn’t alone while he waited for his court case to play out.

I hope you can find a way to finish your degree. Don’t give that up easily, talk to student finance about your change in circumstances and talk to student services at the university. There will be something they can do to help.

You need to stop paying towards your joint home (or at least pay less) to cover your additional costs until you have your qualification. I think he is absolutely right to prioritise his DC but he has been very unfair towards you, expecting you to move out at such short notice.

@Quackduck

Have I missed fhis info? What do you pay to live with your partner now

You seem to be (perhaps deliberately?) obscure about thr financial set up eg rent v mortgage, is it shared and are you financially linked/contributing. It also seems to be you are really avoiding disclosing your sexes - the language used is quite jarring I feel.

Surely you’re not going to through your career away with a month until you qualify? You need to keep going until you sit your exam at the very least. Tell your partner you won’t be contributing to bills etc and use that for petrol / accomodation. I’d be leaving this relationship as this isn’t acceptable.

I am also weeks from completing a degree

Weeks op, come on. Don't lose your qualification for the sake of a few difficult weeks. That's total madness.

to then force your partner out of their home that is co-owned

So you own the house together, it's not his house that you live in?

I would move back in, take a packed lunch for Wednesday evening dinner and sit in the car outside a 24 hour supermarket u til the kids go home. It would be shit but I'd do it for a few weeks if it meant I qualified.

Go to your parents for the weekend, deduct half the cost of your petrol from whatever you're paying for bills or mortgage.

Then think again once your exam is over.

You can do this. Don't let him defeat you

This is not what his children need to hear from him right now.

They need to know that they are the most important people in their father’s life. It sounds like it will be difficult enough for them to rebuild a relationship, especially if they’re still at the stage where one of the children doesn’t even want to visit, and including a new partner into this already fragile situation would only make the whole thing much more complicated.

@outerspacepotato said: Can you stay at his during the week, go to the library on the midweek day his kid comes, then go to your parents on the weekend until you find a place?

@Quackduck said: Not an option I would have to find somewhere open until 9/9.30pm.

You do realise that pubs are open until way past 9.30pm? Find a quiet one and you can sit in a corner nursing a soft drink for a few hours reading a book.
Or some shopping centres are open until 10pm, with cafes or fast food places.

So, to avoid having to sleep in your car (because you absolutely MUST keep your job and get your qualification), you need to stay with your parents at weekends Fri to Sun nights (I assume this is where you are as you say you have already moved out), have a long drive Monday mornings, and sleep in the house with now-or-soon-to-be-ex DP Mon to Thu nights, staying out of the way on Weds eve until late.
This is only for as long as it takes you to get qualified.

Meanwhile, see a solicitor about getting the house sold.

Based on everything you have said, yes the kids, especially trying to build a relationahip with teen A who is obviously struggling, needs to take precedent in your partners life right now.
I also think this is an absolutely horrible situation for you and I wouldnt be kicked out of my house every other weekend. Its very unsettling to be driving back and forth, living between your parents and a home you are not entirely welcome in. It will breed resentment and anger and will disrupt your life too much.
I would break up for now and suggest to him that be concentrates on that, and over time you can sure if your lives can fit together. Right now, they can't.

If you bought the house together, then I would move straight back in. If he doesn’t want you to meet his kids, then he will have to accommodate them somewhere else. This is your home, that you pay for. Your partner has a bloody cheek, he will have to find another solution because the current plan is ludicrous. Don’t let him ruin your future op, stay put and finish your exams, the problem is his not yours.

Then once you have your future sorted, kick him to the kerb.

We own the house together.
I pay half the mortgage, partner pays half the mortgage.

As someone mentioned, house sales / forcing sales take can months. I have about 15 hours before I could lose my job. If I cannot live in x location, my funding ceases. I cannot work from home over 100 miles away, my job relies on my being able to access the communities in my county some of them urgently within the next hour or two (within working hours).

I have paid my bills for the month automatic monthly direct debit, mortgage, gas, electricity, council tax, car payment, car insurance. I have around £200 left. There is no spare cash for petrol, air b&bs, hotels.

I have had to move out, my immediate problem is my job, tomorrow. I had to take Friday off and call in sick to pack up and move out. Partners new arrangement started this weekend.

In theory this is a possibility.
I can't see it happening in practice.
Where will he take his kids for the court-ordered overnights? (Yes, that is not OP's problem, but as a general principle I believe all adults should prioritise the welfare of children).
So she would be forcing a confrontation, whereby the DC turn up and see her sitting there, OR he cancels the arrangements, causing maximum turmoil for the DC, and potentially he has to go back to court?

I think OP was correct to move out to her parents.

Teen A is not going to be involved only Teen B.

Teen A did not engage with CAFCASS throughout the court process only to say they did not want contact then refused to speak or meet with them further.

Then stay in your own house. I would still stay away when the dc are around and I’d expect your ex to pay for your accommodation when you have to leave, but if your entire future is dependent on you living in the area you have bought a house in, then stay there when you can. Plenty of separated couples have to do this while their property is sold and divided and it won’t be easy, but it doesn’t sound like you have much choice unless you want to throw away your career because of a selfish man.

I feel strongly that you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face here.

Your priority has to be keeping your job and getting your degree. It’s 2 months.

Move back in with your parents at weekends. But only weekends. Otherwise, live in your shared home during the week, and find a quiet pub to sit in on the midweek visit day.

Just get through the next two months. Anything else is madness.

Madness and, being frank, on you for making a poor choice for the sake of 2 more months.

Teen A is not going to be involved only Teen B

There may be potential for this to change in future and it’s more likely if Teen B has a positive experience.