Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

Could your partner help contribute to your petrol bill?
I don't understand all the timelines in this relationship? So he was not seeing his children for 2 years as they know nothing about you and obviously haven't seen your home? It's a shame he never thought of his children first before the 2 of you bought a house together before meeting his children! Ridiculous.
I'm not sure why you are resisting the idea of going to a pub for one evening and travelling to your parents for the weekend. He definitely has to put his kids first, for it doesn't sound as if he has for a long time, and there's no way I would be giving up my qualification for a mere few weeks. I think you're resenting his decision to do this.

You didn't have to move out. It is your home.

Tell him to book you a premier inn or hotel for the weeknight required for the next couple of weeks and then start making a proper plan from there

You need to stop seeing this as something that's a done deal. You do not have to leave a home that you own

He needs to sort something out for his situation.

When he chose to buy a house together he knew that the kids would need to meet his current girlfriend. He chose to do it anyway. He can’t now kick her out for 4 days a week, this is her home.

He needs to find another solution, the current one is not acceptable.

You would be insane to let the end of your relationship derail your education and career. This is the end of your relationship, you just need to navigate it well.

he needs to prioritize his children. that is the reality. He never should have moved in with someone when he didn’t have a good relationship and custody pattern with his children. He made a mistake. He is now trying to fix it in the worst way possible, by not losing you. He loses you. It’s not fair to you and you don’t need to tolerate this treatment.

however, if you own the house, you don’t have to go anywhere. You have leverage and I suggest you use it. Either he buys you out asap or he pays your expenses for a local place to stay while you finish your degree. If the later, i would get it in writing that this does not go towards your share of home ownership. You wouldn’t have this expense without this situation. This is the cost of getting you to move out. I would accept the full bulk payment because you could buy a small place or invest that money and it would be a clean break.

I have had to move out

FFS op, move back in to your own home this evening once his kid is gone and go to work tomorrow morning. You're being so defeatist about this. You don't have to move out.

Stay in the house. Do not lose your job or your degree. He can tell his child you’re a lodger if he wants. It’s his problem to deal with - you OWN half the house, it is your home!

I agree there are solutions here, pls try…. Don’t be so passive, your partner cannot see your career crumble cause of his mistakes!!

I have about 15 hours before I could lose my job.
You won't lose your job - just drive there on Monday morning.
Yes it is a long drive, it sucks, but you have to do it.

If I cannot live in x location, my funding ceases.
That won't apply as your "official" address is still in the house with ex-DP.
No need to tell anyone that you are temporarily staying with your parents at weekends.

I have around £200 left.
That is enough for petrol for now. Go and sleep in the house Mon to Thu night, and use the food that is already in the house.
Go out Weds eve until late.
As you have already packed up and moved your stuff, take an overnight bag for the week.
Ex-DP cannot prevent you from staying there as you are a co-owner.

Contact the bank to arrange an overdraft or loan, or borrow some money from your parents, for petrol for the rest of the month.

Then, cancel all direct debits and standing orders for the house before next month.
Ex-DP will have to sort it out. It is not reasonable for you to pay for a house that you can't live in full time.
If you have sufficient funds, you could offer to do some shopping for meals Mon to Thu, and pay him £20 per week for electricity.

Then, when you feel the time is right (perhaps in a couple of months), tell him you have been to see a solicitor and ask him to buy you out of the house as an alternative to selling it.

The solution to stay at your parents only for the weekends is good and hang out at the library mid week. Also any extra costs you incur during this time he should be picking up.
It’s great he’s making an effort with his kids but he needs to step up for you too and not just wreck your life. It’s your house too, he doesn’t get to make all the decisions as though you are some sort of household appliance he no longer has a use for.
Push back here, please don’t roll over and lose everything you have worked for.

Why on earth have you moved out and put your job/degree in jeopardy? You co-own the house, you have every right to be there. The arrangement he has suggested won't work long term, and I'd absolutely leave the relationship, but surely it would be better to bide your time until you qualify by either a) refusing to leave or b) agreeing to leave whilst the child is there, provided he funds it.

This is a really shit situation OP, I am sorry this is where you are. I would be at my wits end tbh. I just read you own the home too, apologies for not catching that part.
I think from your posts that financially neither of you can easily rent another place while keeping the mortgage. Is it possible to create a plan with timelines that he agrees to. Like if in three months nothing is changing then you force the sale and split. Becuase you cant do this indefinitely, he should really be looking at moving out himself, not you. Can he not have the kids at his parents for example? I say kiss because it is highly likely teen A could want contact too once teen B has started coming. Or it could go massively downhill with teen B or teen A, or teen B wants to spend more time at the house, or even ask to move in with Dad. What will happen then. Pretending you dont exist and the house is entirely his, is unworkable and ridiculous as a long term plan.
Are you supposed to remove all traces of you while teen B visits? Pictures, shoes by the door, beauty products in the bathroom etc. A teen will work things out pretty quickly.
and what if something hapoens where they cant return home at the exact time, say there is an issue with the roads on the weeknight and they have to wait at your house or stay over and then you are waiting in a pub, where will you go?
Or a phone battery dies and you arrive back earlier and they are delayed leaving and you meet on the doorstep.

Oh OP you reacted under stress by moving out which is understandable but you must go back!

its your home and you cannot & must not be told to move out. It is his situation that’s changed the status quo and him that needs to work on a reasonable solution. it’s insane that he expects you to go along with a bonkers plan that puts your job and degree at risk.

if you were off sick on Friday then call in sick to and say you’re still not well…. then move back in! Or tell work you need an emergency day of leave (if they’re decent & understanding).

don’t accept this, you absolutely don’t have to. Stand up for yourself and your career.

This advice is spot on.
I feel your anger but you need to face the fact that He Does Not Care about your job/ degree. Sounds like he's not even considered your circumstances at all. His decision is all about him and his children and rebuilding his relationship with them (which I totally understand) but he's out of order demanding you leave the house you co-own every weekend. Was it a discussion? Or he just told you to move out (of your own mortgaged home) when his kid/s stay?

That is the red flag here.
Also, you did it. You've moved out this weekend.

And you're paying half all bills (on a low wage as I understand it) then not permitted to use it full time? I can see his side but he's shown his priorities to you.
Do please do whatever you can to qualify but reassess this relationship come November.

Given the scenario with the children, if you knew (as presumably you must have known) that his objective was to re-establish a relationship with his children (as it should be), what did you think was going to happen when you moved in and he got time with his kids? You don’t just introduce a new partner to your kids when you barely have a relationship with them yourself, they’re upset by their parents’ separation, and you need to re-establish the parent-child relationship. Moving in together was an error and you should move out, give your relationship some space and give him a bit of space to be with his child(ren).

So I have had the conversation with partner about refusing to leave;

Partners rely (not verbatim) was I can’t be forced to choose between you and the kids. That’s not fair. Then partner went on to say relationships are about compromise.

I told partner they have not lost anything, they still have a job, they still have a house, they get to see their kids. Partner said they have still lost everything.

Partner said the last thing I want to do is hurt your or my kids. Partner said after I left, okay if that is what you want.

This is obviously not the whole conversation. But a very brief summary. So yes I have definitely explored that option of not refusing to leave.

Then, cancel all direct debits and standing orders for the house before next month.

To clarify, you don't need to cancel anything coming out of a joint account, you just stop paying money into a joint account from your own personal account, and you contact the bank ASAP to get your name taken off the joint account.

Is there a reason you are going to great lengths to not disclose your sexes? It may be valid info eg you’re in a same sex relationship and your partner doesn’t want to disclose this? You may get more nuanced support if that was the case for example.

All this use of “partner” etc instead of he/she is really standing out to me. (As is the fact posters are automatically assuming OP is a woman and partner is a man)

A pp saying you are a lodger is a great idea.

@Quackduck Can he afford the home you both own on his own?

This. At least until you finish your degree.

Is your partner threatening you?

I can't think of another reason why you would put your future at such risk (and you don't seem to want to find a solution from all the suggestions here either).

I agree re ss relationship too.

With respect - no, you haven’t explored staying short term. FFS, why are you seemingly trying to lose everything, when all you need to do it get through the next two months? You’re blinkered right now.

DON'T MOVE OUT!!
It's your house as well so stay put for your job. Tell him you want to split but you need to sell the house first. Why should he get priority? I suspect he only wants his kids in order to pay less maintainance since he was fine not seeing them often for two years.

I would LTB but first get your ducks in a row: job wise and finding an appartment once you got the money from the house sale. Don't let him bully you to leave!!!

But you still need to stay in the house Mon to Thu nights.
Tell him this.

Tell him you cannot talk about your relationship or what the future holds, as you have to think about your job and you don't have the headspace for him or the relationship.
Tell him you have to take practical steps to get your qualification and keep your job.
So you will no longer be able to contribute financially like you have been, as you now need money for petrol and other costs.

You're being a bit of a doormat here OP. It's 50% your home. He can't make you leave it, so don't. He can tell the kids you're his lodger if he needs to, but moving out is batshit.