Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

This would cost me at least £60p/w extra in fuel so an extra £260 a month, plus say £10-15 per week on top for having to eat out and pay to park somewhere, so an extra £325 I don’t have per month.

It would be a choice between paying bills and eating every week or having the money for petrol to leave every weekend.

Do what's right for you OP. I think he has handled this badly.

He wants to build a relationship with his children at your expense.

Only you can decide if he is worth hanging around for until he decides to tell the children about you and have you back in the house full time.

It’s ridiculous you have to move out of your home when they visit. You’re not some new girlfriend, or but are serious enough to live together. Do they even know that their dad even has a partner?

If this is what he wants you to do, then he should be footing the bill.

Teen A is not with CAHMS, and was discharged for not engaging. Child A attended sessions but did not speak during the sessions.

I have moved out, but I will also most likely lose my job on Monday. I’m not stopping partner seeing the children, but to then force your partner out of their home that is co-owned between them and lose their job and income, is not an acceptable move.

It's a lot for sure but only two more months though and then you will be qualified for jobs with higher earning potential. Don't let your understandable disappointment or anger at your partner cloud your decisions, this is an important goal for you.

You cannot force him to agree to you staying in the home whilst his DC are there: the DC have to come first. That is the way it should be.

If you are not happy, then basically the relationship is over and you need to make plans for your future as a single person.

Is the home you had with DP rented or did you buy together?

If bought, point out to him that if you are not allowed to live there 2 or 3 days a week, he will need to buy you out or you will have to force a sale of the house.

If rented, you move out, and move all your stuff out. Stop paying your half of the rent and bills, shopping, stop paying for anything.

Focus on getting qualified, even if it means a long commute, or going into debt for a few years.

If you are co owners, you could put the ball firmly back into his court by refusing to move out, to suit him.

Once again (it would appear) a woman gives up so much in order to make a man's life easier. Tell him to come up with a solution!

Op how does DP expect you to maintain job?

Is the house rented or mortgaged and whose name is it in?

How does DP plan to erase every picture of you from house and all your clothes, washing, toiletries, jewellery, books etc.

If you move out can he afford house on his own? Does he expect you to still pay towards it? Does he expect you to still clean it?

There is supporting his children but this just seems a toxic mess tbh and I’m not sure how he expects this to work at all.

I take it you won't be paying half to the bills with this new arrangement.

I can understand why he has not introduced you ... you're going to have to give it time im afraid.

You can either get an airbnb at weekend or get your own place, whichever you prefer.

I will also most likely lose my job on Monday,

Don't do this. Sleep in your car if you have to. Shower at a swimming pool or gym.
You absolutely MUST keep your job and get your qualification.

Yes it is not acceptable for him to kick you out with no financial support - will he pay for you to get an air BnB or hotel?
But he is not wrong for prioritising his DC - he has just handled the practicalities very badly.

If he can't or won't give or lend you some money, there is nothing else to do but end the relationship and get your equity in the home back. Either he has to buy you out, or you see a solicitor to force the sale.

Focus on finding somewhere to live and finish your degree.Then focus on finding a new job.

He's told you how important you are in his life which isn't enough given his situation. Save yourself even more heartbreak now rather than later.

Do you actually co-own the house? If so I’d just explain you have just as much right to be there as he does and so you will not be leaving. If it’s his house then trickier.

They do not know.

I have said you need to tell teens about me, I am not expecting to meet them right away.
But you need to tell them you have met someone else, we live together etc etc.

But nothing.

He’s kicking you out of your own home. Shameful excuse of a man. He’s telling you what he thinks of you. I’m so sorry.

She has said that they co-own the house. It's really unfair of him to kick her out which will lead to her losing her job.

@Quackduck he doesnt have overnights with his teen b so why do you need to go home at weekends? he only has teen b coming one day per fortnight. dont understand why you are likely to lose your job on monday???

Ask him what he will say when they see all the evidence - your clothes, photos, belongings, toiletries, etc.
Is he expecting to hide everything of yours in his bedroom wardrobe?

If he refuses to tell them, I think you have to accept that the relationship is over.

If you co-own the house he can't kick you out so he needs to help you find a solution to this that works for you both.

How many bedrooms do you have? If there's a spare room it should be set up as his room. You can be either his landlady or lodger, whichever the more believable until you get your qualification. He can have the sofa when his child is there.

Then he'll either have to buy you out or sell up as your relationship is clearly over with his absolute disregard for you - putting his child first is absolutely fine, but to do that he has to find an option that doesn't involve you losing access to the home you own and losing your job.

This is the current arrangement, the new arrangement as agreed at court is 1 week day PM and overnights Friday - Sunday.

Please don’t throw all your hard work away op, try and stick out your job until you get your qualification. Then just move back to your home area, sounds like there’s too much drama in this man’s life

You’ve had some good advice yet every suggestion is met with ‘I can’t’ because’. What is your first priority yourself and your career or staying with this loser?

If I was you I’d put my job and valuable qualification first. Do you pay him rent or housekeeping? Perhaps there’s a room to rent which would be affordable until your are fully qualified and can move?

He sounds awful and needs to be dumped. Put yourself and your career first. There is ALWAYS a way forward.

Don’t give up your job. Do whatever you need to. Ex forced you out, force a sale and divide the assets.

I’m asking to clarify because this simply doesn’t make sense if OP genuinely is co-owner of this house. Not a chance you’d just agree & move out, risking losing your job, if it was truly just as much your house and his.

This!!! You will regret it if not Op. job and career first, do everything in your power to keep this job and get this degree.