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Original poster

Partner won’t tell the children about me

529 replies

Quackduck · 31/08/2025 15:14

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quackduck · 31/08/2025 17:35

Elektra1 · 31/08/2025 17:29

Given the scenario with the children, if you knew (as presumably you must have known) that his objective was to re-establish a relationship with his children (as it should be), what did you think was going to happen when you moved in and he got time with his kids? You don’t just introduce a new partner to your kids when you barely have a relationship with them yourself, they’re upset by their parents’ separation, and you need to re-establish the parent-child relationship. Moving in together was an error and you should move out, give your relationship some space and give him a bit of space to be with his child(ren).

We have lived together ~2 years.
This is not new.

I helped with the court application, partner was always telling me that they will tell the children and I will meet the children once visiting started (3 months ago), so 1 year 9 months down the line of buying a house and renovating a house together.

Until the court order came through for mid week and weekends…now the situation has done a 180 flip.

OP posts:
user593 · 31/08/2025 17:36

My DP didn’t tell his teenage children about us for years but they never came to our house, he visited them at his exes’ house. I wouldn’t have stood for the arrangement your DP has suggested.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 31/08/2025 17:37

Sorry OP but you don’t seem to be thinking clearly at all.

You’ve had a conversation about not moving out but then moved out anyway. That’s just a bad decision. You don’t need to talk about and agree to you staying, you just do it.

you’re not asking your partner to choose - they’re the one creating that dynamic. They need to come up with a range of realistic solutions, not just make you do something ridiculous. I simply cannot understand your actions unless there’s a massive drip feed.

Flakey99 · 31/08/2025 17:37

Jeez, why on earth are you risking your career and independence over this bloke who has too much stuff going on in his life to prioritise you? You’re throwing your life away whilst you’re waiting on the sidelines.

Surely you can lodge and rent a room somewhere in the short term near your work and complete your studies? That should be your number one priority at the moment.

Silverbirchleaf · 31/08/2025 17:38

So you’re a secret. How on earth has its gone this far? You don’t agree to live with someone, set up hone etc, without telling your kids. What happens at Christmas? You get evicted for the duration? I get that he has to put his kids first, but to what extent.

And what are the kids going to think when they discover their dad has a live-in partner, and she’s been in his life for over two years!

Original poster
Quackduck · 31/08/2025 17:39

Diarygirlqueen · 31/08/2025 17:19

Could your partner help contribute to your petrol bill?
I don't understand all the timelines in this relationship? So he was not seeing his children for 2 years as they know nothing about you and obviously haven't seen your home? It's a shame he never thought of his children first before the 2 of you bought a house together before meeting his children! Ridiculous.
I'm not sure why you are resisting the idea of going to a pub for one evening and travelling to your parents for the weekend. He definitely has to put his kids first, for it doesn't sound as if he has for a long time, and there's no way I would be giving up my qualification for a mere few weeks. I think you're resenting his decision to do this.

Application to get visitation to the children started around a year ago, waiting times, cancelled dates by the court as they are so over run, other stalls is why . Initial visits were not in our property and outside / doing activities etc.

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 31/08/2025 17:41

Can your partner afford to put you up in a B&B or hotel for the times you need to be absent, and you live there the rest of the time? The financial fallout from this should not be all yours to bear. He’s made this situation so it is for him to step up and sort it out.

Starlight7080 · 31/08/2025 17:41

Why did you move out? Its your house too?
He couldn't force you to leave at the weekends ??? So why not just stand your ground.
I dont get why you had to leave.
Its his choice so he should have left.
Go back ! Stand your ground.
If its your house to with your name on everything then he has no rights to ask you to leave on the weekend or midweek.
Although popping out for a few hours is easily done.
Also how many years since he saw his kids ? Why was he not aloud any contact?

SnakebitesandSambucas · 31/08/2025 17:42

I don't think he is going to want you back in. I can see him changing the locks, he's got his perfect set up now . Don't leave!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/08/2025 17:42

Hang on. You co-own the house? Why the fuck are you moving out then? Stand your ground, and he can bloody leave, this is his fuck up to fix, not yours.

Zempy · 31/08/2025 17:43

He can’t kick you out of a jointly owned house.

I would refuse to move out. If he doesn’t want DC to know he lives with you, HE can move out.

No way would I risk my qualification and job like this. Clearly this relationship is over, but you need to stay put until you are able to move.

Goonie1 · 31/08/2025 17:45

I would arrange a meeting with your employers urgently for Monday morning and just be honest about the situation. It’s an unusual circumstance and they may be able to help you. As well as hopefully being human and empathetic, from a business point of views, if the company has invested in you with your studies, then they will want to protect that too. Speak to them, you might be surprised.

Im terms of your living arrangements, firstly, I understand that your DP wants to put the children first. However, he is in effect making you homeless. As a compromise, could the weekend contact be just a day (not overnight) for the time being until
the house is sold and you have funds to help with your living arrangements? Not ideal, but making yourself scarce for a day is easier than travelling to your family for the full weekend or commuting 4 hours daily. Plus it’s a temporary measure. Your DP could also take them out for the day.

notatinydancer · 31/08/2025 17:46

Absolutely refuse to move out. It’s half your house.
Then get it sold - he is an absolute loser.
Don’t understand why you think you’ll lose your job on Monday ?

Kary26 · 31/08/2025 17:47

It doesn't feel like the partner is putting in any effort at all to stop op throwing away her career and qualification.

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 17:48

DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/08/2025 15:45

I think you're right to move out. I'd get on spareroom.co.uk to find a M-F lodging so you can finish your degree. Definitely don't give up on that with weeks to go.

I'm sorry he's a selfish idiot.

I agree with this. You focus on getting your degree now. Do not leave this job, find a room from room share or similar websites. Forget about him. Yes, he is prioritising his kids but he is treating you with no thought. You go and come back as he wishes. Focus on work and find someone better if possible avoid a person with kids.

Pinkissmart · 31/08/2025 17:48

Do you get a maintenance loan from student finance which could pay for living expenses?

Dontcallmescarface · 31/08/2025 17:52

Well, well well, he's played the long game like a pro. He's got you to the stage where you've bought a house with him and so helped get him a home for him and his kids....you've served your purpose and now he's quietly getting rid of you. He doesn't care about what happens to you now...he's got what he wants.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2025 17:52

In the long run you need to drop the partner, find a place to stay and get on with your life. If the house is co-owned by the two of you then he can't force you to leave while his children are there either. So he needs to contribute to a solution that works for you. At the very least he needs to help you finish your degree even if you both decide to end the relationship afterwards.

Co-owning a house with a man whose children don't know you exist was unwise but you are where you are. To be honest I don't think he's been telling you the whole story about this. Are you afraid of him?

Will he cover the cost of your accommodation near your place of employment for the next couple of months? Or will your parents give you or lend you enough money to live while you finish your degree and sort out selling the house and gettionmg your money back? You probably need to get yourself back into your house as soon as his child has gone and get some legal advice.

Original poster
Quackduck · 31/08/2025 17:52

Pastaandoranges · 31/08/2025 17:28

This is a really shit situation OP, I am sorry this is where you are. I would be at my wits end tbh. I just read you own the home too, apologies for not catching that part.
I think from your posts that financially neither of you can easily rent another place while keeping the mortgage. Is it possible to create a plan with timelines that he agrees to. Like if in three months nothing is changing then you force the sale and split. Becuase you cant do this indefinitely, he should really be looking at moving out himself, not you. Can he not have the kids at his parents for example? I say kiss because it is highly likely teen A could want contact too once teen B has started coming. Or it could go massively downhill with teen B or teen A, or teen B wants to spend more time at the house, or even ask to move in with Dad. What will happen then. Pretending you dont exist and the house is entirely his, is unworkable and ridiculous as a long term plan.
Are you supposed to remove all traces of you while teen B visits? Pictures, shoes by the door, beauty products in the bathroom etc. A teen will work things out pretty quickly.
and what if something hapoens where they cant return home at the exact time, say there is an issue with the roads on the weeknight and they have to wait at your house or stay over and then you are waiting in a pub, where will you go?
Or a phone battery dies and you arrive back earlier and they are delayed leaving and you meet on the doorstep.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes when teen B came over for lunch / dinner on every other weekend, even though it was for a couple of hours, I was expected to hide away my belongings, everything from shoes, shampoo to my bedside table things and go to my parents. Stuff it in a suitcase, in a box, in a kitchen cupboard, in a wardrobe.

I have already spent the past month trekking up and down the country going to my parents at weekends.

I asked partner what happens if the children are told and say they are not happy they do not want their parent seeing anyone new? Partner did not have an answer and blanked the same question present several times.

I asked would I then be expected to move out? Leave my job? Partner did not have an answer.

OP posts:
sugarapplelane · 31/08/2025 17:55

Hang on a minute. You co own the house? So it’s half yours?
That’s one hell of a drip feed Op.
If that is the case then you DON’T move put. He can’t force you.
Are the visits of his child to your house dependant on you not being there? If not, then he can’t make you leave.
You need to go back now

Original poster
Quackduck · 31/08/2025 17:56

Dontcallmescarface · 31/08/2025 17:52

Well, well well, he's played the long game like a pro. He's got you to the stage where you've bought a house with him and so helped get him a home for him and his kids....you've served your purpose and now he's quietly getting rid of you. He doesn't care about what happens to you now...he's got what he wants.

Partner has the premarital home which is rented out, partner did NOT need my finances to get a mortgage.

Partner cannot take the children there and evict the tenants….that would cause a lot of legal issues and again…instead of making me “homeless” partner would be making someone else homeless and is that fair to them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Quackduck · 31/08/2025 17:57

Pinkissmart · 31/08/2025 17:48

Do you get a maintenance loan from student finance which could pay for living expenses?

I don’t get any student finance, my workplace pay for my qualification, therefore I get a wage. I do not attend university it is all accredited in house through an external awarding body.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 31/08/2025 17:57

I’d move out. He’s not wrong to prioritise the children’s needs but equally you can’t be expected to live away from your home. You need to take a step back in the relationship

IOSTT · 31/08/2025 17:58

@Quackduck how many bedrooms in the house you own with him?

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 17:58

Quackduck · 31/08/2025 17:29

So I have had the conversation with partner about refusing to leave;

Partners rely (not verbatim) was I can’t be forced to choose between you and the kids. That’s not fair. Then partner went on to say relationships are about compromise.

I told partner they have not lost anything, they still have a job, they still have a house, they get to see their kids. Partner said they have still lost everything.

Partner said the last thing I want to do is hurt your or my kids. Partner said after I left, okay if that is what you want.

This is obviously not the whole conversation. But a very brief summary. So yes I have definitely explored that option of not refusing to leave.

Can you tell him that you both need to sell the house? As you are not left with money to commute or pay rent after the mortgage and bills? Or ask him to reimburse you money towards mortgage, bills for 2.5 days a week. This way you can go to parents on the weekend and stay in library, cafe on Wednesday till 9 pm at least till the time you finish degree. You can then take a permanent call.

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