Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

So she should leave the place for which is paying the mortgage and bills?

2 bedrooms and a shoe box.
I mean shoe box, if you put a single bed in you wouldn’t be able to even open the door fully and would have about 6” on one side of the bed.

So we have our bedroom and Teen Bs bedroom.

@Quackduck instead of making me “homeless” partner would be making someone else homeless and is that fair to them?

IS IT FAIR TO YOU? IT IS YOUR HOME OP. Kindly, stop being such a martyr and move back into YOUR OWN HOME. Partner can deal with HIS fallout

So enough rooms for you to go in the spare room and pretend to be a lodger for 4 weeks?!

I’ve read your updates @Quackduckbut not every comment.

This situation is really strange and doesn’t make any sense.

You’ve been in a relationship with this man long enough to have packed up your life and bought a house and in that time he’s apparently had little or no relationship with his kids.

There’s the first red flag. Firstly, why was he not seeing them, what’s the story there? Has he spun a tale of parental alienation or has he openly been a deadbeat dad?

If he was already trying to reestablish contact then he shouldn’t have been buying a property and moving in with a woman they’ve never even heard of. I’m not blaming you at all but did you not question this?
He’s scared now because he’s knows he’s fucked this up with his kids.

The only way I would be leaving that house is if he was paying rent for me elsewhere or putting me up in a hotel when his kids visit. Stay and put the house up for sale then rent somewhere else when it’s sold. What he does is his problem.

Why did partner have to go through court to get access to his children? If teenagers why has it took so long? Is access granted if just father and children? If access granted and u live together that involves u does it not.?

2 bedrooms and a shoe box.
I mean shoe box, if you put a single bed in you wouldn’t be able to even open the door fully and would have about 6” on one side of the bed.

So we have our bedroom and Teen Bs bedroom.

So you have your bedroom and your partners bedroom

When his teen is there he can decide if he wants to sleep on the sofa or on a camp bed in the small room

Ex partner refused contact. He always wanted contact.

It was only agreed contact through court.

We roughly had a year of ex partner putting false allegations in, court hearings. Obviously nothing was found and case was dismissed.
But ex partner would say things like partner is a heavy drug user and an acquaintance has seen partner drinking heavily on x date and purchasing drugs.

Well that’s difficult because partner was out of the country on x date. Here’s the proof rinse and repeat. Paying for solicitors out of pocket.

So partner always has wanted to be involved, ex partner stopped this until partner submitted an application to court.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this

This is completely unbelievable. Even the dopiest teen is going to realise that someone other than their father lives in the house.

Partner has the premarital home which is rented out, partner did NOT need my finances to get a mortgage.

Partner cannot take the children there and evict the tenants….that would cause a lot of legal issues and again…instead of making me “homeless” partner would be making someone else homeless and is that fair to them?

Your partner is absolutely taking the piss

If they were going to do this then he should have started eviction proceedings for his tenants a year ago and be planning to move into his property

You need to start focussing on yourself and let him worry about his fairness to others

Yes but he needed to show a home for his kids. The rented house cannot be used by father or kids so it was pointless.

Having a house with you helped him convince the court he has a suitable place for his kids to stay.

You cannot give up your job, degree. Ask him to pay for your expenses to travel to parents and all associated cost. He is not poor. He is getting rent. Decide what you permanently would like to do after you finish the degree.

She should leave the home she is paying half mortgage so he could show up for his kids?

Teen B has already seen their bedroom and been in it during day visits.

Im not dismissing what you are saying but this would raise suspicions, with Teen B and they would definitely be asking why they can’t stay in their room.

That's all well and good partner, but I need to live in my home so I can complete my qualification. I'll make myself scarce on a Wednesday and I'll stay at my parents' on Friday and Saturday. The rest of the time I'll be staying in my home. That I own. I'll deduct the cost of my petrol from my bill payments.

' our house '

do you mean our house, or our home.

who owns the property ?
is it bought/mortgaged or rented - whose name is on the mortgage / title deeds / rental agreement.

Teen B has already seen their bedroom and been in it during day visits.

Im not dismissing what you are saying but this would raise suspicions, with Teen B and they would definitely be asking why they can’t stay in their room.

To be frank, that's your partners problem to sort.

He can say he's taken in a lodger if needs be.

You losing everything is not the solution.

At the very very worst he should be paying a hotel for you on the weeknight and then petrol to your parents at the weekend

He also needs a set timescale for when he's telling his child or buying you out of the house

You keep saying ‘partner’. Is this in fact a same sex relationship?

Partners rented out home is the ex martial home.
Partner owned the home solely in their name, ex partner was not on the mortgage or deeds.
Partner did not need a show home.
Partner HAD a home to live in and was LIVING there when we first met.

Partner and I bought another house together, ex martial home was rented out by partner.

I see you had already answered my question re ownership of the property.

WHY on earth did you agree to move out, a simple NO.

Let him work out the logistics of HIS children.

YOU live there, it's 50 % YOUR HOUSE

Why have you had to move out? Surely the most sensible thing would be to go for a walk or sit in the car for a few hours on Wednesday until you find somewhere else to live or a new job. It seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

He can serve notice on his tenants legally if he wants to move back in and then you know this debacle will only be going on for a short time before he can move back to that house with his kids. You can then sell your joint home but with you living there until it is sold.

Your OH has royally fucked you over!

No way would i be moving out!

Why aren't you furious with him? You jointly own the property and you have paid the mortgage and bills for the month but you are letting him throw you out of the house. At the very least he needs to give you enough money to pay for a hotel so you can continue to work. Find your anger. This really isn't fair. You seem so passive.

Your a fool op. It's your house as much as his . I wouldn't of moved out. Its his problem to deal with . Hes had plenty of time to tell his teenage kids about you. But if you want to throw away your job qualification and house for him then go ahead.

@Quackduck is there a reason you’re going to such lengths to avoid the question of your sexes?