Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

Have you ever kissed anyone? Been on a date?

I've kissed a couple of guys, but not for a long time. Been on dates with maybe 10-15 guys (almost all through OLD), but have never got past the 3rd date, usually because of a mutual lack of interest. Will admit I'm on the picky side, but I also don't to tend get much if any male attention.

Friends introduced you to friends? Work colleagues etc?

So have you never had any relationships at all including casual? Never slept with anyone? Or do you mean you’ve never had a long term relationship as obviously one is more unusual than the other.

Do you think you might be autistic

Do you give people long enough to build an emotional connection or are you dismissing on first dates because of lack of chemistry? I find people grow on me based on time and experiences spent together. Are you looking for a very specific type? Also very restrictive.

I'm also lifelong single (and not autistic FFS 🙄)

I've been mostly happy with it but did have a bit of a mini-crisis about it all last summer.

I got a dog and that put me back on track. Not sure if that's helpful, but it certainly helped me.

I'm autistic and it's basically a miracle that I'm married. My husband had to ask me out three times before I realised he fancied me. We were work colleagues. It was a different time.

I can count all the men I've dated on one hand and I didn't start dating my husband until I was 25. My husband insists plenty of men were probably showing interest or asking me out and I was clueless. When I did manage to find a guy to date it wouldn't last long - like you just 2 or 3 dates. Freezing when a guy is trying to initiate a hug makes guys think you're not interested. Even now if my husband gives me an unexpected hug from behind my first instinct and action is to recoil and/or slap him. Honestly, if I hadn't met him I'd still be single. Autism runs in families. I have several older relatives who never married.

Any chance you're similar?

I've asked friends but most know no single men of the right age, or if they do we'd be a wildly unsuitable match. I work in a male-dominated field so you'd think there would be options, but again hardly any are single.

I've had a very brief relationship but nothing of consequence. And yes I'm aware it's highly unusual. I did used to be religious and was holding out for someone similar, so that previously limited my dating pool, but that's no longer a factor. Most of my friends think it's mostly down to luck, but it's possible they're just trying to be kind 😂

It's possible, I definitely have some autistic traits, but I'm not sure I'd meet the threshold for diagnosis. Not sure what, if anything, I would do differently if I was though

I definitely do need time to develop an emotional connection, which is why online dating is really not ideal. I try to at least go for a second date if they're interested and there are no red flags, but I struggle to keep up the motivation beyond that if there's no obvious draw. Possibly I need to make myself go on at least 3 dates, but at some point it also feels a bit unfair to keep dating someone when I'm not really all that interested

It's always comforting to hear it's not just me! I'm not a huge animal person, or at least I like other people's pets but am less keen on the idea of getting my own, but I'm glad it worked for you! Have you made your peace with it or are you still hoping to meet someone?

It might be how you present yourself.

I started to get male attention once I got a decent hair cut, decent clothes and started wearing makeup. This was pre internet dating. Looking back, the way I chose to physically present myself would have been sending out, 'I am not interested in dating' vibes, because I dressed like I was not trying to be attractive to men.

Or it could be how you present yourself in behaviour/ demeanour. Ex-Bil never had a girlfriend despite having many friends, including lots of female friends. I am 100% sure it was his demeanour. Its hard to describe, sort of like he went through life apologising for his own existence, or doing things that were just unattractive in a man, making hang dog looks or daft faces. I feel really bad for never telling him. Ex-H told me had had told his brother this, but its clear to me now that H never had. His life could have been transformed by one of those lifestyle makeover shows where someone is taught how to present themselves. There was nothing wrong with him as a person really. It was just how he presented himself.

Those are my two thoughts based on my life experience anyway.

What's the feedback you've had from people you've been on dates with?

Do you present within the bounds of 'normal?'

I'm glad things worked out well for you😊I'm not sure I necessarily would pick up on when a guy is interested, but I'm also not sure enough men are interested in me for me to have something to pick up on😅

I don't have an aversion to hugs from friends etc, so not the same in that respect, but I don't love hugs from strangers, so maybe the fact that I'm uncomfortable has come across on dates, or maybe I just give out a general I'm not comfortable vibe. Not sure how to change that though, other than keep hoping the right guy eventually shows up and it all magically works out!

I have autistic niblings, so possible that it does run in my family, though again I'm not sure I would meet the threshold to get a diagnosis.

I have decent hair, don't wear makeup every day but I do when I go out, wear nice clothes and get complimented on my outfits etc. I'm by no means stunningly attractive but on a good day I think I look reasonably good, so I don't think it's a looks issue, though I could be delusional of course and nobody wants to tell me I'm actually hopeless looking😂

It's possible there is something about my demeanour though, I think I possibly do give off friend-zone vibes, but it's hard to know how to change that. Something to ponder though, thanks!

What does someone see when they meet you on a date? (I don't just mean what you look like, how you dress, self-present etc -- I mean wha kind of person do they meet? What are you interested in? What is conversation with you like?)

If you work in a largely male industry do you have male friends you could ask for honest feedback?

Is it definitely men you want to date? Just asking as I have a couple of previously long term single friends who are now very happy with their female partners.

If you’re able to have lasting friendships then you are clearly able to form and maintain social connections. Do you have any friends you could ask for very honest feedback about any potential dating barriers you may have?

If someone is introverted or socially awkward or neurodivergent, you can of course still meet someone - you just haven’t connected with the right person yet. I still think online dating is a good option, even though it’s a bit of a quagmire, it’s how many people I know met their husbands (including me). If this is something you really want, I would try to date as much as possible (with standards though!) and also try to say yes to lots of social things too, to expand your social network and increase your opportunities to meet someone.

Importantly, have interests and hobbies and friends and fun… don’t make meeting someone your whole life. You really are more likely to meet someone who will complement your life when you are in a good place yourself. You are a complete person already, you want someone who can add value to your life. Make sure to value yourself.

I haven't had much in the way of feedback from OLD, it always feels a bit awkward to ask when it's only been a handful of dates. On the few occasions I've met someone outside OLD and asked them out or whatever it's always been along the lines of they think I'm great but only think of me as a friend. And in those cases the friendship has persisted afterwards, so I don't think they were saying that just to be nice.

I don't know that I'm normal exactly, definitely have a few quirks, but have lots of friends and am fairly social, albeit being much more comfortable once I get to know someone than when meeting strangers. So as far as I can tell, yes I'm within the bounds of normal.

I have one fairly close male friend and he's never had anything constructive to offer, only support and solidarity. Wouldn't really feel comfortable asking colleagues.

I have a lot of hobbies and interests, so don't usually lack for conversation topics, and try to be fairly balanced talking about me vs them. Nothing worse than going on a date where they only talk about themselves! I can be a little bit awkward, and tend to bounce off extroverts better than fellow introverts, at least a first. So while I'm not the life of the party I don't think I'm totally hopeless at actual dates. Usually when I've got past the first date it's been me ending it, although that doesn't happen particularly often.

I wouldn't go too down the "autism" route you are clearly able to maintain relationships as you have lots of friends you say so that doesn't scream someone who isn't able to build connections..

I've been asked this question before, but yes very definitely men. Not sure I'd be any better at finding a woman though anyway 😂

I've got lots of close friends and have asked them often for feedback, including on my OLD profile etc. I've had the odd bit of useful advice but mostly it's just sympathy and encouragement that I'm a lovely person, deserve to be happy etc and they're sure I'll find someone eventually. Of course being my friends they are more than a little biased, but I like to think that at least one friend would have told me if there was a glaring red flag.

Yep I hate it but like you said OLD is still one of the easiest ways to meet someone, so I'm not giving up yet. Glad it worked for you, my friends are probably 50:50 split between found their person and getting absolutely nowhere, so more success stories are always a welcome reminder that it does sometimes work out!

If anything I have too many hobbies, and I try to fill my life with as much fun and friendship as I can. So I guess I just need to keep doing that and hope I either do eventually meet someone or come to terms with being single