Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

Yes I'm very lucky I do have some amazing and close friends, so at least I'm doing something right on that side of life 😊

Have you ever fancied anyone? I wonder if it’s the building attraction/chemistry part that’s missing on dates which leads to friendship vibes, but you’ve got to be feeling attraction to start with! If you aren’t used to flirting then that can be a bit awkward too initially. I’ve know some great women who were long term single and unhappy about it - they had a lot going for them but approached dating in quite a formalised way, like an interview. Partly due to anxiety, partly due to inexperience. This wasn’t great for building rapport and genuine connection. I think you need to keep dating as it does get easier!

I have, and currently have a massive crush on a friend, but unfortunately he isn't interested. It doesn't happen very often though, and none of the guys I've been on dates with have been particularly physically attractive, so there's been both no emotional connection and no real physical attraction either.

I do think friends first would suit me a lot better, but it's hard to meet single men in the real world. I don't think I treat dating like an interview, and I tend to not be anxious because I'm not emotionally invested, but more experience still might help. I guess I can only keep trying!

I wouldn’t focus on ‘dating’ I have had a couple of relationships since my marriage ended, and in both cases they were people from a wider group of friends and we got to know each other through group events, chatting etc rather than initially going out on a 1-1 date that I never could bear to do - don’t know how you could really get to know someone in an artificial ‘dating’ environment.

You sound like a smashing person with a full and interesting life. I hope you find who you're looking for soon.

I think you sound great, and I doubt this is a ‘you’ problem. It is just really hard to meet people. Keep going and say yes to as many new social opportunities as possible - it really is a numbers game.

A large part of online dating seems to be location too. I lived in a busy city at the time I was dating, and had very positive experiences- I met my now husband after only a month on the app. I have friends in other locations who have really struggled, mainly because there were fewer options of quality men.

It’s brilliant you have so many interests and lovely friends, you clearly have a lot going for you.

I completely agree OLD is very artificial, meeting someone through a wider group of friends would be the ideal! Unfortunately my friend groups are lacking in eligible single men, apart from that one friend who isn't interested. Again, I guess all I can do is keep trying and hoping that more single men come out of the woodwork, and if not at least I'm having fun with friends

Thank you, that's very kind!

@LupaMoonhowl I am not sure what you mean by artificial dating environment? Online dating is ubiquitous and many people have had success from it. Personally I have only ever dated and never gone down the friends first route.

Did you attend uni?

Thank you, although I think it must be at least partly a me problem😂I've also moved around a lot, and currently live in a reasonably sized city, so it isn't like I'm trying to date from the middle of nowhere. But am also aware the dating pool isn't exactly huge at my age, so even in a city there aren't endless options. And it's nice to have another success story for OLD, am impressed you met your husband so quickly after joining the app!

To me it feels artificial as it's one on one from the get go, you don't get to see someone around their other friends until things have progressed further, you're you're looking for attraction from the start and trying to impress someone before even knowing if you even like enough to want to spend time together at all, let alone as a romantic interest. So I can definitely relate to it feeling a bit forced and artificial. Am sure other people feel differently though - maybe if you're more extroverted it feels more natural? Or that could just be me...

Yes - for 7 years, as I also did a PhD, so some might argue I spent too long at uni...

@HopelesslySingle Honestly it’s a societal problem at this point! There’s nothing hopeless about you. Glad I could inspire a bit of hope!

Are you just too picky and uncompromising?
I think most people that jump into relationships tend to prioritise being with someone rather than noone. So look past lack of mutual interests, personality flaws and don't really think long term just, do I like this person enough to spend some time with them. It then develops over time to a relationship. And you also have to be willing to accept that you will hate many things that they do, disagree with them about a lot of stuff, find some of their habits revolting and they will irritate you at times. And also accept that they will feel the same about you as well at times. But its a balance and if the good times outweigh the bad then the relationship continues.
I have a couple of lifelong single friends and they are always looking for true love, the perfect partner, the one they want to spend time with. And I don't think thats realistic. A good partner is like a best friend, you take them warts and all (unless they are just not a nice person then get rid) and you work on a relationship and nurture it. It doesnt just happen overnight.

Oh, I don't think so. Half the people I know met their spouses doing doctorates. Two close friends who now have student-aged children of their own met at a party at my house in the first year of my doctorate. I know someone else married to her former doctoral supervisor.

Are you absolutely certain that the friend you are attracted to is not interested? I mean, have you actually spoken to him about it?

My other question was whether, if as you say you're not anxious on dates because you're not emotionally invested, it's possible that you're coming across as completely uninterested?

I think lifelong single is a pretty good way to be, especially for a woman in our present times, but am sympathetic to your cause.

I'm devoted to my spinsterhood now, but I am old. I've been married twice, to foolish choices, and had a lot of enjoyable flings in between. Here are some of things I learned:

It's important to think of yourself as sexual and sexually attractive. In my early twenties, a flatmate taught me how to masturbate(!) I realise all 20-year-olds know this now, but her point still stands - I needed to appreciate and honour my body's sexual potentials.

I was slow to learn that it isn't a compliment when a man finds you attractive, nor is it a threat. It's a rare man that would never think of you sexually. Assume they do. If your interest is reciprocal and it's safe, let yourself feel it and let it show.

I'm a touchy-feely person and make friends very easily. It was therefore a surprise to learn there are techniques to building connection. They're really simple and you have heard of them, but do you do them? Most of it's about mirroring - gestures and words - and stuff like keeping an open body position, looking people in the eye and smiling easily. Everybody loves full attention.

If there's mutual attraction, social touches and prolonged eye contact take on new meanings. Work with this.

I noticed that women who talk about their own bodies a lot get laid often. I couldn't comfortably do it, but there's a helpful principle here: your topics of conversation can gently bring someone's attention to your physique. Now everyone exercises, this is quite easy to do without seeming forced.

You seem to be doing okay with the online dating. You're going on dates with men who haven't sent you screaming for an early bus! Try to relax a bit more and have fun. If the dates you're having aren't fun, arrange to do something more to your liking with them.

By and large, it's a numbers game however you meet men. Back in the old days we would 'meet' a hundred guys on an average night out, maybe get talking with two or three, usually go home as single as we left the house. I think you can forget this when doing something as narrowly focused as OLD - you'd have to swipe right hundreds of times, just to get the equivalent of an old-fashioned night out!

To repeat: enjoy yourself 🙂

I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

Your friend's were strangers at one point.

I note the word introvert...people who label themselves that are a particular type I find.
They're almost proud and think it makes them special that they dont like socialising. But equally you say youve tried hobbies and online dating and meetups so clearly you managed it. You say you have too many hobbies and fill your life with as much fun and friendships as you can - said no true introvert ever.

I wonder if you're so keen to be labeled an introvert it's becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

Op you sound lovely!

are your hobbies and interests mostly with women? Any chance you can do something completely different eg running, cricket or whatever where men hang out?

I have been told in the past I'm too picky, but I think it's more a problem that I'm slow to develop an emotional connection. And I don't have a long checklist or anything of criteria a man must meet. Once I have that emotional connection, I have no problem taking some warts and all. But unfortunately when I have met someone I'm genuinely interested in it's not been reciprocated.

Before I've developed feelings though, yes I do tend to notice issues a lot more. So whenever I go on an OLD it's usually a case of I don't have much in common, don't find them physically attractive, and while they seem perfectly nice I didn't really enjoy their company enough to want to spend more time with them. So then the downsides I've noticed about them do tend to outweigh the feeling that they were vaguely nice, if that makes sense. Not sure how to overcome that though, possibly I need to try harder to spot the positive qualities in dates? It's hard to talk yourself into having feelings for someone though...

Yes I know quite a few academic couples, think it gets harder past the PhD stage though, and I'm not doing a second PhD on the off-chance😂

Unfortunately yes, I asked him out and he was very kind about it but clear he just sees me as a friend.

I do my best to come across as interested, I'm not totally blase and demanding guys impress me or anything, but yes it is possible the disinterest does come through somehow.

You might be on the wrong dating site.

If you're introverted and slow burn then tinder is hardly for you for example.

And did you “enjoy” student life ie the extra curricular side that many enjoy at uni? Is that when you kissed? Did you flirt?

I do think of myself as sexual but I'm not sure most men do. Or at least, the ones I would like to think of me that way certainly haven't.

I've heard of mirroring etc, and although I have a bit of resting bitch face I do try and smile at people, think about my body language etc, not sure it's made any difference though.

If there was mutual attraction that advice would be great, but my main problem is I just haven't experienced mutual attraction. The relatively few guys I've wanted don't want me, and the relatively few guys that want me I haven't wanted. In retrospect there was at least one I should have given a chance, but that was years ago so too late now.

Well I did have one first date where we were both running for an early bus 😂But generally no, that hasn't been the case. I usually don't find meeting strangers fun though, even if it's an enjoyable activity part of me is still thinking I'd rather be doing whatever it is with a friend.

But I guess again the message is to keep trying, and hope that I get better at trying to have fun even when in an environment that doesn't come naturally to me

Oh no I actually love socialising, didn't mean to imply that I hate people or socialising. I just meant that I have to make an effort to get through that initial talking to strangers stage which I honestly kind of hate to reach the point where I find it enjoyable. So I'm introverted in the sense that talking to new people requires a lot of effort, but once I get to know someone it's all good.

Some of my hobbies are also solo at home hobbies, I'm not out every night of the week doing stuff, I prefer a balance between hobbies/hanging out with friends and having some alone time.