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Original poster

Lifelong single and hate it

333 replies

HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 14:49

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

OP posts:
RuthandPen · 27/08/2025 19:57

LoserWinner · 27/08/2025 18:37

Lots. That’s how I first met my ex-husband.

Show quote history

Maybe my field is far more networking-focused!😀

I swear, most of the men would trample unseeing across a naked goddess for the inside track on some funding application.

MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 19:58

Shitmonger · 27/08/2025 19:27

What part of “no” are you not understanding?

OP has repeatedly told you that she does not want to talk about sex. She has indicated that she has some sexual history/experience but not a lot. You are continuing to pester her with your baseless assumptions. Stop it.

Show quote history

Pester? By asking two questions? Get a grip. If a grown adult cannot discuss a healthy part of life they are seriously lacking in emotional maturity.

Plastictreees · 27/08/2025 20:01

RuthandPen · 27/08/2025 19:57

Maybe my field is far more networking-focused!😀

I swear, most of the men would trample unseeing across a naked goddess for the inside track on some funding application.

Show quote history

Same. I laughed out loud when I read that suggestion. It must be heavily field dependent!

BlueyGreyWhale · 27/08/2025 20:08

Sing realistically, having got to a certain age with not one single romantic partner and having tried the things that the original poster has. And having all the hobbies and in academia and coming into contact with so many people, I think one has to consider that the fault lies with the chooser

Perhaps she just doesn't like what's on offer and never will.

There comes to a point where you haven't been able to meet one single person to get past a few dates with.You've got ask yourself what you are doing wrong instead

Thewhywhybird · 27/08/2025 20:09

I met my now husband when I was in my early thirties. I struggled to form a connection with anyone before then . I am quite shy and had a hard time letting my guard down. I was also dating the wrong type of guy - I was looking for a high flyer but I am not married to one, my DH is hard working, not a high achiever, but is kind and supportive in spades, which actually is what I need much more and we are happy together. It's worth giving some thought to what you are picky about because you can be wrong about what you actually need from a relationship, as I was, and I think that's why it wasn't working out for me initially.

Starlight7080 · 27/08/2025 20:37

BlueyGreyWhale · 27/08/2025 19:52

That's genuinely quite shallow. I'm not saying looks are totally unimportant, but is she a raving beauty?

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She has always been very shallow . But a nice person. And she is just average looking. She looks great for her age . Definitely aged well. But does just have this very childish outlook on love. She was obsessed with all the teen romantic films and I think she got a warped idea . Also her family are awfull snobs .

BlueyGreyWhale · 27/08/2025 20:43

Starlight7080 · 27/08/2025 20:37

She has always been very shallow . But a nice person. And she is just average looking. She looks great for her age . Definitely aged well. But does just have this very childish outlook on love. She was obsessed with all the teen romantic films and I think she got a warped idea . Also her family are awfull snobs .

Show quote history

Ah, well, she'll be single the rest of her life then. Hopefully, she won't get to seventy five and think that she could have been with someone nice if she'd given up her idea of having a boy band member

Doitrightnow · 27/08/2025 20:43

I sound a bit like you although I finally met DH in my late 30s. It was OLD, which I despised with a passion. I was very blunt in my profile about what I'm interested in and looking for and any wishy washy men didn't get a chance. Hardly went on any dates through it.

I wasn't that in to DH on the first date, but we had things in common which got us through a few more dates. I liked his family and he was really in to me and very persistent! I'm amazed he didn't give up - I wasn't very encouraging!

There are a million ways I know people who are now married met. Some I know of -

  1. friend had a dinner party with some old friends - some from school and some from uni. Two of them practically fell in love at first sight.

  2. older female asked younger man on a date. Man had fancied woman for ages but didn't think she'd be interested.

  3. girl went on a million OLDs. Treated it as a numbers game.

  4. female friend posted on Facebook about how much she hated being single and did anyone want a date! Friend of a friend said yes please!

  5. Oak Hall group holiday.

  6. work colleagues

  7. met at mutual hobby.

  8. Tearfund volunteering holiday

Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 20:49

Wibblywobblybobbly · 27/08/2025 18:00

Given you find 1 on 1 dates artifical and tend to develop feelings towards men you've spent time with in a group, how about looking at joining some single specific activities? Like group holidays for solo travellers, there are some great companies out there who offer really.interesting destinations.

Or singles drinks, cooking classes, art classes etc?

It's a numbers game. You need to put yourself in as many situations as possible where there will be single people doing activities you might enjoy.

Also, and I feel bad saying this, but have you asked your dentist if you have bad breath and given your clothes a good sniff at the end of the day? I ask this only because I used to work with them loveliest guy who was lifelong single and he had smelly breath and he smelt of stale sweat even though his clothes seemed to be clean on every day. I assumed it must be a medical issue as he had lots of friends and family so surely they'd have told him? But on a drunken night out he asked me why he was single and I bit the bullet and told him very gently.

He was mortified but said he appreciated it, and went off to the dentist and got his breath sorted. He also changed his laundry practices (he was washing everything on 30 with non-bio) and both got sorted.

I moved jobs not long after, but I bumped into him a few years later with his new wife. Now clearly they could have met regardless, but now I do try to make a point of gently saying these things to people even if it is awkward, because these things are hard to identify yourself.

I've done a group holiday for solo travellers. It was fun and I'd do it again, but it was heavily female dominated and all the people on it said that's always the case.

I've also tried some singles meetup events. Have thought about art classes or something similar, but most options where I live are during the day or conflict with another activity. I'm still looking though, so maybe something will show up.

My dentist is always very complimentary about my teeth, so I don't think it's that, and I do have a couple of friends who are happy to be blunt when needed, so I'm confident they would tell me if I had bad breath or was generally smelly.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 20:51

autienotnaughty · 27/08/2025 18:00

I met my ex and current partner at work and through friends respectively. I have adult dc who have long term partners, one met through friends and the other met on tinder.
if you really want to meet someone and work/friends are no goes I would keep with online dating. Logically there will be someone for you out there. You need to look for someone with similar values to you who’s happy to take things slow and build a friendship first.
But also helpful to work at gratitude for what you do have - your family, friends, career, home etc if you can find some peace with where you are at you might find dating less pressured.

I hope like you say the right man for me is out there somewhere! And yes I am grateful for the many good things in my life, they just haven't made the desire for a relationship any less strong. But it never hurts to keep trying to work on practising gratitude!

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Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 20:53

PotatoPrometheus · 27/08/2025 18:06

It’s a total cliche but I think a lot of it does come down to luck, also just being open to changing your mind about people you may have already formed an impression of. It might be that you meet someone and see them as a friend but could be a slow burner.

I knew my husband for about 6 years as a casual friend, never had any romantic interest in him at all. Then went for a drink with him and another friend one night and saw him in a whole new light! We’ve now been together 10 years this year.

I can’t comment on online dating as I found it disastrous personally, but do keep going out and meeting people. At the same time though, remember your own worth. There’s plenty of people who will take advantage of someone who’s longing to be loved. Good luck OP, I hope you find your other half 💕

That's a lovely way to start a relationship! Will keep reminding myself to keep an open mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 20:57

MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 18:01

@HopelesslySingle you know you can change your name if you’re worried about anonymity. But sex and the desire for sex are a healthy part of human life and is nothing to be ashamed about it. If you can’t talk to strangers about sex on an anonymous site, which seems to be a big part of your problem how are you going to discuss sex with an actual man/potential partner. I would suggest therapy if the issue is sex related as we don’t really know about your history. There’s a huge difference in having sex and never being in a relationship to having no sexual contact and no relationships. Good luck.

I'm fully aware this is anonymous thanks. But one minute I think I'm being careful talking about generic hobbies and changing a few details, the next minute I'm accidentally letting slip that I used to live in Timbuktu, I play the bagpipes and I spend my Friday evenings at a taxidermy group, and hey presto someone figures out who I am. I'm exaggerating of course and maybe I am being needlessly cautious, but I have no idea who's reading this and might recognise something about me, so I'd rather play it safe.

But I do have people in real life that I talk about all manner of things with that I don't want to discuss in a public forum, anonymous or otherwise, so I'll save any discussions about sex for those people thanks.

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Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:00

To answer all the comments about weight, if a guy is looking for someone very slim, clearly I'm not the woman for him, but as PPs have pointed out, plenty of women of all shapes and sizes manage to find a partner, so I also don't think that losing a couple of pounds is suddenly going to land me a man. However, I'd like to lose a little bit of weight for me, so I shall do that, irrespective of whether it will or won't make a difference with dating.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:03

Tracklement · 27/08/2025 18:13

So if you don’t think this
then I’m just trying to understand why religion seems to have held you back from exploring and experimenting more during uni years

Show quote history

I might not have thought that, but at the time I was interested in dating another Christian, which significantly limited the pool of men I was open to. Some of those had different (i.e. stricter) opinions and boundaries about dating to me, so again that further limited the number of available men. But either way, as much as I like to pretend I'm still very young, uni was quite some time ago now, and my opinions on religion have changed since then, so since I don't have a time machine, it's a bit late to go back and tell myself to stop being so restrictive.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:05

LoserWinner · 27/08/2025 18:37

Lots. That’s how I first met my ex-husband.

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Wow, I'm impressed! That is very far from my experience of academic conferences. Great for networking/careers, finding love not so much. Maybe I went into the wrong field 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:08

Sundaykitchen · 27/08/2025 18:42

I can’t work it out from what you say.

When you are chatting to someone online, are you enjoying a joke or two and acting upbeat, interesting and fun? Do you feel excited about meeting the person and are they excited about you? It should be like that while you are chatting and getting to know each other. Then if you are lucky you will get on well in real life too.

As for size I don’t think that matters at all. I know someone very large who went on a mission to meet someone online dating. She had loads of dates (plenty of shags too) but she was confident and ‘bubbly’ and good company. She did meet someone and married again.

When the guys don’t want to see you again, what do they say? No spark? Maybe as you don’t have sexual experience with men you are blocking out any flirtation and not giving off interested vibes. Are any of these guys flirty with you?

Yes to acting upbeat, joking and trying to be fun. No to feeling excited about meeting the other person. I just really don't find talking to strangers exciting, the excitement usually follows after I've formed a connection, so OLD feels like the wrong way round to me. I've only really had 1 OLD dating conversation where I actually enjoyed messaging pre-date, and unfortunately he was weird in person (not in a good way) and not a good match for me at all. And the feeling was apparently mutual.

Some men have been flirty in person, yes. I've never really had a guy give me a specific reason for not wanting to see me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:13

iamnotalemon · 27/08/2025 18:44

Thank you! To be honest, I’m just focusing on my life and if I meet someone it’s a bonus. I think my life would have been completely different had I met someone younger or been in a few long term relationships, so in a way, it’s been a positive as I’ve been able to travel the world, move to the other side of the world on a whim and basically be selfish. I think turning 40 and STILL being single was tough, especially when some people would judge for me never having married and having no children, but I’m past that now. Would still like to meet someone but I’m not settling, that’s for sure!

Unfortunately I have no advice, but take the time to do the things you want to and live your life. I do hope you meet someone x

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I'm glad you can see some positives and have built a nice life for yourself. I've also moved to another country without having to worry about anyone else, so I can appreciate that I've benefited from the freedom of being single, but if I'd had the choice I would have chosen a relationship over the freedom. And yes I'm not looking forward to turning 40 either. I've already accepted that children aren't on the cards for me but that doesn't make it much easier when people make comments.

OP posts:
LoserWinner · 27/08/2025 21:13

HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:05

Wow, I'm impressed! That is very far from my experience of academic conferences. Great for networking/careers, finding love not so much. Maybe I went into the wrong field 😂

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That was my point. I didn’t go to conferences looking for love, I went for networking and career development, and in the process, met and got to know someone who turned out to be husband material. For someone who is finding the whole online dating thing unhelpful, it might be worth considering.

Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:14

waltzingparrot · 27/08/2025 18:52

What happened to all those matchmaking agencies that used to be around in the 80s/90s? If they still exist, you may have a better chance through them.

I think online dating put most out of business. Although again, I've not really heard any success stories from matchmaking

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:22

Topjoe19 · 27/08/2025 19:16

I think you need to give the guys who are interested in you a bit longer. Sometimes you can get a slow burner - there's no initial spark but give it time & it can grow.

What are you looking for, what's your ideal man? Following a crap relationship I thought long & hard about what I wanted & that's what I went looking for on OLD. I didn't set any parameters as such, I was accepting that love may come in different shapes/sizes/ maybe a man who's divorced or has kids already. I was just really open to meeting someone. After 3 dates that didn't go anywhere I met my now DH.

You sound lovely by the way. I'm sure you'll find someone but just be really open to it & whoever may come along. Have fun!!

I could give a long list of what my ideal man would be like, but in reality like you say love comes in different shapes and sizes. So e.g. I'm not necessarily looking for anyone in a high flying career, I want someone reasonably intelligent but that doesn't have to mean academic and I don't mind whether or not they went to uni. I don't just swipe right on the really hot guys, am not just looking for someone 6 foot and above, personality matters more to me than looks etc. So it's not like I have a long unrealistic checklist where I'm ruling most guys out on paper, but in practice I still just don't feel that attraction very often. Maybe like you say I just need to be more patient and persist for a bit longer.

OP posts:
OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 27/08/2025 21:24

HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 16:00

It's always comforting to hear it's not just me! I'm not a huge animal person, or at least I like other people's pets but am less keen on the idea of getting my own, but I'm glad it worked for you! Have you made your peace with it or are you still hoping to meet someone?

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I'm not holding out for a nice man turning up, no. I think some people just don't ever find their person (or any person in my case 😂). I have come to understand that love, sex, men and relationships are just things that happen to other people, and that's ok. Not everyone gets to have it, and I've made peace with that.

Though if I fall in love at aged 75 with someone who loves me back of course I'd be delighted 😂

In any case I have mapped out as best I can a route for financial security (nest egg for crises, retirement planning, other income streams through hobbies etc).

Reading your posts about being a slow burner I definitely know what you mean. The apps to me felt contrived, inorganic and forced. And the men on them seem terrified of being in any way friend-zoned without understanding that when dealing with some women, that is the best possible place they could be if they want to win her affections. I too have never been nervous for any dates from the apps because... well... I don't (yet?) fancy the person I'm meeting. In fact I barely know them! I know can get nervous with people I crush on (a few colleagues over the years so it's not a total dead-spot). I have never understood how people are nervous for a date with someone they don't fully know. If you don't know the man really well then why do you care what his opinion is of you? I just can't get my head around it.

Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:26

lobeydosser · 27/08/2025 19:24

Hi @HopelesslySingle . I've read all your responses and agree with other posters that you sound great. Down to earth, bright, cheerful and friendly. I don't know if anyone else has suggested it (haven't read whole thread) but have you thought about a touring holiday with a company like eg Exodus? Somewhere really remote and fascinating with a couple of dozen like-minded travellers (not an advert honestly!) Cycling in Cuba or walking in Albania or whatever. You get to have a good break and get to know people at a slower pace. You might just meet someone.... (worked for my DH anyway! I was his tour leader very many years ago...)

Thank you, that's very kind of you. That's lovely that you met your DH that way! I replied to a PP to say I have been on a group holiday, which was fun but very female dominated and apparently that's pretty much always the case for that travel group. Maybe it depends on the company though, or the type of holiday. Might need to work on my fitness levels before I attempt one of the longer more active holidays though 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:28

Timefortea72688 · 27/08/2025 19:28

I am also a lifelong single, 30 and never before got past the 3/4 date. I am picky I guess but not to the point that makes sense to have been single for this long. OLD is so hard and not fun really. I feel the odd one that has not really got past anything and been with a guy for any period of time.
Don’t think it’s you, but it’s not fun and hard, I feel you 🫠
You got this

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one, but I'm sorry you're also in this boat. I agree it's really tough feeling like you're the only one who can't seem to get anywhere with OLD. Here's hoping there's someone out there for both of us!

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Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:32

Starlight7080 · 27/08/2025 19:51

One of my friends is lovely . Really interesting. Lots of hobbies .
About to turn 40 and has never had a proper relationship.
We think one of her main problems is she basically still wants the boyfriend she wanted as teenager . Which was any of the men from the boybands she loved. And still loves.
So any man who shows some interest in her but looks wise is not poster guy material. She doesnt give them a chance at all.
Sometimes a few dates is not enough to form any sort of attraction.

I really don't think this is me. Of course poster looks sounds great, but that's all a bit pointless if there's no genuine connection. Almost all of my crushes have been about personality first and foremost, looks come after that on my list.

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Original poster
HopelesslySingle · 27/08/2025 21:34

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 27/08/2025 19:53

Oh I have a friend like that
her list is so long you would need double ply extra long toilet tissue to write it all down

and the older she gets the less likely she is to get her perfect list
which is something that goes back to her teens

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Again, I really don't think this is me. I probably could write a long list if I had to, but it's a bit silly to think that the perfect man even exists, and if he did I doubt he'd be interested in me!

OP posts: