Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

I'm not looking for a spark so much as at least some level of interest in learning more, like you say, but I rarely seem to find that

What makes you feel like you don't want to learn more about someone? I'm in a relationship now but really enjoyed dating as I found it fascinating (I was lucky I never had any really bad dates). My theory is that people are spending too much time on dates doing boring small talk and not enough time really getting to know and connecting with each other. Don't tell me about your cycling hobby, tell me about the last time you felt truly happy. Way more interesting!

I mean I have religious friends who haven't even kissed guys before, so in that context it's far less unusual, although outside of a religious environment yes I'm well aware that it is. I appreciate you're trying to be helpful so I'm not trying to be rude by ignoring the questions, but I don't want to say anything more about what I have or haven't done or when. I'm not asexual though

I'm already a very male dominated career, and always have been

I’m mid 40s, have had a few short relationships, but otherwise very similar. There are some reasons for it but I definitely can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me with it looks so easy for other people. So I totally understand how it feels.

I have a friend who met her husband through an old fashioned dating agency/matchmaker. They've been together for nearly 30 years.

I would try a dating agency where money is paid and an attempt to vet the clients etc. I don't imagine there are many of them but I think it's worth a try.

But flirting and kidding and dating is completely ok within religion (if we are talking about Christianity here)

So to flip the question around, what makes me want to learn more is if someone has something they're passionate about, whether that's a job or hobby or whatever. Or having a mutual interest or similar life experiences we can bond over. Or if they're a great communicator, e.g. tells interesting or funny stories. Many of the dates I've been on they've either been not good at communicating, or we just couldn't find much in the way of common ground to talk about. But I take your point about boring small talk maybe not being the best way to build a connection. Maybe I should come up with some more interesting conversation starters.

That sounds perfectly possible. I'm not even sure it's a matter of expressing interest or enthusiasm, more being cognizant that this encounter could turn into a sexual situation...?

Sending solidarity! It's hard to find that balance between trying to be honest with yourself about what if anything you're doing wrong and keeping up the positivity. Here's hoping we both find someone!

I've seen this suggestion before but it's a lot of money, and this is the only time I've ever heard someone say it worked out. So I'm really sceptical to be honest

If you’re outside the healthy BMI range then that suggests that you might at least appear overweight? Healthy BMI is a very broad range (and it’s a pretty crude measure to begin with), so my question should maybe have been: what height and clothing size are you? Anything above size 12, unless you’re tall, could be considered on the chubby / overweight side, even if you’re healthy. Totally ridiculous but that’s how things are for a lot of men.

Completely agree that any weight loss should be for you in the first instance, but you may find it helps with dating too.

Good point.

I think if you did ID as autistic you could connect with other autistic women who’re dating and share experiences, maybe join a club for special interests, etc and you could read books by and for autistic women about dating and relationships which might resonate

There's a very broad spectrum of what Christians believe is acceptable, so there are some who would disagree with you about to what extent some of these things are ok. I wasn't one of them, but I definitely have friends who would disagree

Hi sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I really love the programme First Dates on channel 4, it has lots of different examples of how people can bounce off each other (or not!), perhaps take a look at this programme and something might act as an inspiration? Best of luck, you do sound lovely and of course a lot of it depends on the people you happen to come across, it can't all be on you x

I am tall, and I think I dress fairly well for my shape, but I am somewhere between 12-16, depending on what it is and what shop. So yes I'm sure there are some men who might be put off by my size. I have been slimmer in the past and it made no difference to how much attention I got though, hence wanting to lose weight for me rather than particularly thinking it'll make a difference with dating

I think I'd feel like an impostor if I tried to join a group for other autistic women, but thanks for the suggestion

I tend to shy away from reality TV but that's a good suggestion, thank you!

I'm off to do one of my hobbies now, so I'll check back on this thread later. But I really appreciate all the comments so far!

Given you find 1 on 1 dates artifical and tend to develop feelings towards men you've spent time with in a group, how about looking at joining some single specific activities? Like group holidays for solo travellers, there are some great companies out there who offer really.interesting destinations.

Or singles drinks, cooking classes, art classes etc?

It's a numbers game. You need to put yourself in as many situations as possible where there will be single people doing activities you might enjoy.

Also, and I feel bad saying this, but have you asked your dentist if you have bad breath and given your clothes a good sniff at the end of the day? I ask this only because I used to work with them loveliest guy who was lifelong single and he had smelly breath and he smelt of stale sweat even though his clothes seemed to be clean on every day. I assumed it must be a medical issue as he had lots of friends and family so surely they'd have told him? But on a drunken night out he asked me why he was single and I bit the bullet and told him very gently.

He was mortified but said he appreciated it, and went off to the dentist and got his breath sorted. He also changed his laundry practices (he was washing everything on 30 with non-bio) and both got sorted.

I moved jobs not long after, but I bumped into him a few years later with his new wife. Now clearly they could have met regardless, but now I do try to make a point of gently saying these things to people even if it is awkward, because these things are hard to identify yourself.

I met my ex and current partner at work and through friends respectively. I have adult dc who have long term partners, one met through friends and the other met on tinder.
if you really want to meet someone and work/friends are no goes I would keep with online dating. Logically there will be someone for you out there. You need to look for someone with similar values to you who’s happy to take things slow and build a friendship first.
But also helpful to work at gratitude for what you do have - your family, friends, career, home etc if you can find some peace with where you are at you might find dating less pressured.

@HopelesslySingle you know you can change your name if you’re worried about anonymity. But sex and the desire for sex are a healthy part of human life and is nothing to be ashamed about it. If you can’t talk to strangers about sex on an anonymous site, which seems to be a big part of your problem how are you going to discuss sex with an actual man/potential partner. I would suggest therapy if the issue is sex related as we don’t really know about your history. There’s a huge difference in having sex and never being in a relationship to having no sexual contact and no relationships. Good luck.

It’s a total cliche but I think a lot of it does come down to luck, also just being open to changing your mind about people you may have already formed an impression of. It might be that you meet someone and see them as a friend but could be a slow burner.

I knew my husband for about 6 years as a casual friend, never had any romantic interest in him at all. Then went for a drink with him and another friend one night and saw him in a whole new light! We’ve now been together 10 years this year.

I can’t comment on online dating as I found it disastrous personally, but do keep going out and meeting people. At the same time though, remember your own worth. There’s plenty of people who will take advantage of someone who’s longing to be loved. Good luck OP, I hope you find your other half 💕

@Wibblywobblybobbly Fantastic advice re: solo holidays.

Jesus wept. As a size 20-22 woman, I’m here to tell you that it’s not weight related.

Sure, some/many men don’t like larger women. I was married for 10 years and have been with my current partner for 4. Some do prefer their women “chubby.”

OP - if you’re only a couple of pounds overweight, it isn’t that, so please don’t be losing weight for imaginary men who care.

Find someone who wants you for you, not you when you’ve dropped a few lbs.