Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

Thanks @HopelesslySingle I would really like to meet someone but don't see it happening now. I would have loved to have had children but sadly too late now. I don't really get the comments saying you are dismissing suggestions! I don't see that at all. Its sometimes frustrating that some people that haven't been in this position don't realise how difficult it is or that it's not as easy as saying socialise, find a hobby, put yourself out there! I've done all of that and it still hasn't happened. I also get people telling me I should just do things on my own and not worry about meeting someone - I do things on my own all the time but I'm tired of it and it doesn't stop me from feeling sad that I don't have anyone to share my life with.

I agree re tinder. It’s where I met my husband and the last 3 weddings I attended the couples also met on tinder. We are all in our thirties. Anecdotally most people I know have had more success with tinder than any other dating app / website.

Totally get the format may not work for you though, and you may prefer another app. The way I saw it was that tinder is (or was, when I used it several years ago) the most popular so I wanted to cast my net wide so to speak, then filter from there. Honestly I was vehemently against online dating for myself and found the whole thing so cringe (the concept of swiping, having a profile, etc) but I was very intentional with it, and if it worked for me there absolutely is hope!

I think it’s a numbers game, I’d sign up to as many OLD sites as possible and make sure you have a few dates a week as annoying as that is.

All of my friends found their now husbands via online dating.

Im also long term single but happy enough, I do have a dd though which obviously makes a big difference.

I currently have a profile on both Hinge and Bumble. Maybe I'll try tinder again at some point but I find it easier to focus on one or 2 apps at a time rather than spread my attention. So yes, try try try again seems to be the way to go

And yes I too am baffled by how some people manage to find a relationship while seemingly not even trying and yet some of us get nowhere even when we do try.

Above the age of 30 I think there's a very small minority of people who manage to find a relationship without even trying (especially women). When I was single I used pretty much every opportunity I had to meet someone, including chatting up a stranger on a bus as I mentioned up thread.

I went to a wedding last weekend of someone who was single for a long time. Eventually she bit the bullet, cast a wide net on OLD and just booked back to back dates. It became almost like a part time job for her. I imagine it was exhausting and draining but she got there in the end.

Thanks for the support, and yes I completely relate to everything you say. Hobbies are great, they make my life better, but it's not necessarily the magic solution. And yes I too will do things on my own if no friends are free, and while it's definitely better than not doing the thing at all it does indeed get tiring and I'd much rather do things with company. I'm sorry you're in the same position, I'm constantly reminding myself of all the good things in my life but like you say that doesn't make the sadness go away.

That's interesting as I don't know anyone who met through tinder. I'll admit I didn't give it long the first time I signed up, so I'll try again and give it more of a chance this time round

I'm a long long way from getting a few dates per week 😬 But hopefully if I keep working on my approach to OLD I'll at least be able get more dates than I am currently. And again it's encouraging to hear of more OLD success stories.

Yes I imagine it makes a difference if you already have kids, although if I had to pick I'd choose a relationship over having children, so maybe if I had kids I'd still be here but complaining about the challenges of combining dating with parenting instead, which must be tough!

Yes you're probably right, I suppose I'm looking back and thinking of friends who always seemed to find relationships at a drop of a hat, but we were younger then, and like you say age makes a big difference.

I'm not sure I have quite the energy to treat dating like a part time job, but I'm definitely going to challenge myself to increase the amount of time I am dedicating to it. And maybe spending more time on buses, just in case 😅

There's nothing wrong with being lifelong single, at times it just doesn't happen (plus Covid took quite a few years out).

I've seen on here that a lot of people consider no prior relationships a red flag (I don't). I wonder how you navigate around the inevitable questions around past relationships?

Personally I think people that immediately ask questions about past relationships are red flaggable themselves, because these are the people who always want to be in relationships no matter how unsuitable it is.

How about you appoint one or two friends as official "dating coaches" (if they are up for it) and they start from scratch, scrutinize your dating profiles, discuss your wardrobe, go to a few bars with you and deliberately talk to men, things like that, and then try to advise you? Pick people who will be blunt with you rather than people who are always nice and hate confrontation. (You might have already tried this, of course.) Also well done for not rising to some insensitive comments. I know that being an OP can result in some brutal responses.

I think the calibre of men out there is really tough, this might be a factor. I hear you saying you're not into women and you know best but just FYI I have some friends who didn't realise until 30s because internalised homophobia is powerful even if not conscious and also because they are only attracted to lesbian women and not straight women so hadn't realised until they met more of them. Ignore me if youre sure.

I have no experience of this so feel free to disregard. However 3 thoughts for your consideration.

1- a big disruption/life change like travelling or workawaying (random example!) for a few months can be a good things to shake things up inside and outside and see things differently clearly, awaken new sides of ourselves etc etc. Also more chance of encounters with men who might excite you.

2 -hormones. I have been reading loads mostly from alissa Vitti about hormones and how these within our our cycle shape our drives, habits, communication and all aspects of our life. Hormonal contraception can really mess up our body and minds' natural rhythms and drives. Would explore that as i know many women who felt totally different off the pill and it awakens new sides of then. Also cycle syncing can reconnect to your aninal/sensual self and body etc.

1. Therapy. I didn't have one healthy relationship before this and it cleared up so many assumptions and limitations I didn't even know I had. Would help with coming to terms i guess too

You seem lovely. Wishing you the best xxxx

In what way did Covid take “quite a few years out”? If OP is based in the UK, there were Covid restrictions from March 2020 until so called ‘freedom day’ in July 2021, so 16 months. Full lockdowns were only a subset of that - my friends and I were certainly still dating around the lockdowns, and I actually met ex-DP during that time.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to say something about getting dates @HopelesslySingleWhy do you think you won’t be able to get a couple of dates a week? If you’re active on 2-3 apps, have a nice profile (I highly recommend getting friends to critique your profile) and are responsive to texts, you should be able to GET the dates. The difficulty is finding someone you click with / fancy, but that’s where the numbers game part comes in - go on lots and lots of dates. Try to make the most of it. Suggest restaurants and bars you want to go to, activities you want to try, cool places you want to visit etc. That way it’s not just hours of walking around in the cold with a stranger (for some reason lots of people on MN seem to favour ‘going for a walk’ as a date, whereas I used to flat out turn down such low effort dates). I don’t know your views on casual sex, but if you fancy someone but don’t think they’re boyfriend material, you could consider a FB/FWB while you search for something more serious - that keeps things interesting too.

There's nothing wrong with it per se, no, I'd just strongly prefer not to be! And yes covid did also take away some time when I would have liked to have been dating, or at least getting out there and meeting people.

I've actually only been asked about prior relationships once when OLD. The poor guy clearly wasn't expecting it so it was a tad awkward, but he said he was surprised as I seemed lovely and easy to talk to etc. He didn't want a 2nd date but he didn't say why, so while I have no reason to think that was a factor, he may well have seen it as a red flag, who knows.

Covid restrictions were still ongoing until Putin invaded Ukraine in March 2022.

Yes and I am UK based.

If anything nothing has recovered, night-life in London still hasn't recovered.

I have done many aspects of this already, but haven't done the going to the bar thing, or at least I've been to a bar with friends many times but not deliberately seeking out men/feedback on my interactions. Will have a think about which of my friends would be good at being blunt enough but not too brutal!

Thanks, I've read enough threads to know there's usually at least one insensitive comment, but all the very useful and thoughtful suggestions have more than balanced it out. So I'm glad I posted!

All restrictions were lifted in the UK in July 2021. Some travel restrictions remained into 2022, correct. But all social activity resumed mid-2021 - pubs, bars, restaurants, cafes, bowling alleys, exercise studios, mini golf courses, etc etc

I haven’t heard anyone blame Covid for lack of dating opportunities in 4 years, and actual impact on date activities was less than 2 years.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can definitely see how internalised homophobia could be a thing, and in religious communities homophobia can sadly be pretty overt, including in some of my family members. But there have been men in my life I'm very strongly attracted to, and not so much as a hint of attraction to women, so I don't think it's that.

I've travelled and moved quite a lot, including abroad. It was great, but I'm at a stage of life where I'm enjoying being settled in one place so that's not in my plans right now. But maybe someday in the future I'll get restless again.

I spent many years without any hormonal contraception, and haven't noticed any differences between when I've been on it and not. So again I don't think that's relevant in my case, although like you I know women who've felt a big difference so it clearly often can be a factor.

I'm reluctant to try therapy but I'm encouraged to hear you found it so helpful. If enough people keep suggesting it maybe I'll eventually talk myself into giving it a go...

To respond to your earlier post OP, there is nothing at all wrong with being a logical person! Only that it can be helpful to tune in to your emotions, curiosity and playfulness when on dates as it can help with the chemistry/attraction. This links into the flirty/sexy vibe previous posters have mentioned. Obviously you need to have some attraction to the person you’re dating though, you can’t magic chemistry out of nowhere. Hopefully it’ll be helpful to have an increased awareness of how you’re feeling and presenting on dates.

I don’t think therapy could be an option because something is ‘wrong’ with you, I think it can be really helpful for everyone in gaining insight into themselves and their patterns of relating. My point really was not to dismiss the idea too quickly just because you’ve had in depth conversations with friends as it’s really not the same. Good therapy can be totally transformative.

I am surprised you’ve never discussed past relationships on dates or before meeting. I still think there’s value in trying to build some connection and interest before meeting, it sounds as though it’s mainly small talk you’re having? I was more quality over quantity when it came to OLD, I was very intentional with questions from the off set and wouldn’t meet anyone I didn’t vibe with over text or phone. I appreciate some people are very different in person though, but I wasn’t prepared to risk wasting my time if the chat was dry. There is probably a balance to be found here, and it may be that you need to prioritise dating if you really want to meet someone. I’m not saying you need to put your life on hold at all, but ultimately I guess you want to make space for a person to share your life with and dating can be part of that journey.

I absolutely think Covid had a big impact on dating and socialising in general; all my single friends said the same. People became more cautious about socialising and there are still repercussions of the enforced social isolation now.

Hopefully you’ve found some helpful suggestions from this thread, we are all rooting for you!

I personally don't feel it took a few years out, but it definitely took some time out. I also was living alone and massively struggled with loneliness, and it took a while to pull myself together afterwards, during which time I wasn't in the right headspace for dating.

I don't expect to get multiple dates a week because I have been active on the apps on and off for years, both paid and free, and struggle to get one date a month! I've had multiple friends critique my profile so I don't think it's too terrible, and I make an effort to be relatively open in my criteria for swiping. I accept I can try harder and maybe need to mix up some things with messaging, but I can easily go more than a week without getting a single match let alone a date. I'm going to try being on more apps at once and put in more time swiping and messaging etc, and maybe I'm being too pessimistic, but I still find it hard to imagine jumping from maybe a date a month to multiple a week!

I actually quite enjoy going for a nice walk, but yes one of the few positives I've taken from OLD is having been to some nice places. I'm not opposed to casual sex, but I rarely meet anyone I fancy without first having some level of emotional connection, so never say never, but in practice I can't imagine FWB working for me.

I don’t want to keep harping on about therapy, but it always piques my curiosity when people are reluctant to consider it. Especially if there is an issue in their life with is longstanding. This is quite a defensive position against vulnerability , and again potentially shutting down an opportunity for emotional growth. People can worry about therapy unearthing feelings which might seem unbearable, or worry about seeming or being broken or defective in some way. I still feel there is an emotional block / disconnect with you OP, but this is just posts on an internet forum so I could well be wrong!

Also, you need to be willing and open to really gain anything from therapy otherwise it’s a waste of time. I wouldn’t advise going for therapy just because it’s helped others, it needs to be something you genuinely want to engage in and are curious about.

Although I am a logical person I do think I tune into my emotions pretty well in other areas of life, just not OLD. I guess there maybe has been a lot of small talk pre-dates, sometimes there has been more relationship chat but usually what we're both looking for, how long we've been OLD etc. So I think asking more meaningful questions is definitely something I need to try.

I mean I definitely think there are some things wrong with me 😂 But no I get what you mean. I have a friend who's super enthusiastic about therapy, she'll be so impressed if I do decide to give it a go!

And thank you, it has indeed been helpful!

So for me my reluctance is because I really don't like being vulnerable with strangers, not because I dislike being vulnerable in general. I'm perfectly happy opening up about all manner of personal and difficult topics, but in the context of friendships where the vulnerability is reciprocal. Baring my soul to a stranger who isn't (and of course shouldn't be) talking about their own personal issues on the other hand is something I would really really struggle with. I don't think I have an emotional block in general, but clearly most people are much better at opening up to (relative) strangers than me, so I accept that maybe I do have some kind of block or at least am unusual in that area.

Knowing that it has helped others of course doesn't guarantee I would find it helpful, but it does go at least partly towards convincing me that it might be worth putting myself in a situation that I would find deeply uncomfortable. And I need to feel like there's at least a chance I will genuinely find it useful, otherwise like you say if I'm going in thinking it's a waste of time I probably won't fully engage and it might well become a self-fulfilling prophecy

I'm about to go away for the weekend so I'm not sure how often I'll be checking this thread, but I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who's commented. It's been a great mix of supportive messages, solidarity, encouraging stories, new ideas, and challenges to my ways of thinking/doing things. I didn't expect to get anywhere near as many replies, and I'm very grateful for all the thoughtful messages. I have some new ideas of things to try and am now feeling at least a bit more optimistic about my chances of meeting someone

Do come back and say you ve created a tinder profile.